gemsybobsy: (choccy)
Decided I should start posting my rants in here again instead of inflicting it on my Facebook friends list. Somehow I feel like I have to write better here, though. Make it like a blog/article, instead of a rant, which works better on Facebook? Haha, I bet this doesn't last. I've been snoozing all evening because of migraine, and now I'm all inspired to write about what's been going on with my health and that.

After 3 months of rigorous diary keeping and investigation, I think I have got to the bottom of my belly problems. Fruit and vegetables. I was always eating loads, and all sorts of different ones, and whether it was the sugars, free fructose, too much fibre... I dunno. But now, I'm basically just eating green leafy veg and blueberries, and it's been great. I'm thinking maybe my bowel can't deal with a lot of different types of sugar at once. I'm still also avoiding having too much lactose at once, as well as things like mushrooms and avocados and sweeteners (polyols) and wheat (fructans). Basically, it's the low-FODMAP diet, but with little of the fruits and vegetables that the low-FODMAP diet says are 'safe'. Before, when I tried low-FODMAP, I incorporated as many of the safe ones that I possibly could. So it didn't work. I'd have salads with cucumber, peppers and tomatoes, curries with loads of carrot, broccoli and all sorts, all at once; as many vegetables on the 'safe' list as I could because I thought I had to, to get all the vitamins.

But. Now I am going to have to limit all of the things I have been eating instead, because they're contributing to this chronic migraine aura and vague headache that I've got going on, and that is DOING MY HEAD IN. I've been munching on nuts, dark chocolate chips, peanut butter, Nutella, vinegar dressings, caffeine, tinned fish, pre-cooked chicken (I have the basics Sainsbury's brand which I will need to check for nitrites, sulphites and tyramines) and... condiments... and yoghurt (not been eating much of that but I did buy some last week because I haven't been getting many animal products of late and now IDK WHETHER TO EAT IT OR NOT ARGH).

FFS. So now, I'm left with... green veg, blueberries, potatoes, rice, oats, spelt flakes (which seem to be great for me)... eggs and fresh meat...and for my sweeties, I'm going to have to just have, like, popcorn and white chocolate. Which = binge territory. I liked snacking on nuts and dried fruits and dark chocolate chips because they didn't lead to bingery. I guess I could make pancakes with blueberries and maple syrup. Or I could not have anything sweet ever again and die miserable but at least I would shift some of the flab off my ample butt.

Also I am having therapy for my failbrain, and it is rubbish so far.
gemsybobsy: (space)
Suddenly very cold; gas fire keeps going out so I've got the electric one on the go. Thanks to the energy meter in front of me I can see the bill going up.

I have had an incredible weekend (two fantastic gigs), but I feel so flat, and I felt flat the whole time. I hope it didn't come across on stage. I'm so frustrated with myself; I thought I was finally over this. I know I'm introverted and I need breaks from being sociable. But I know things are bad when it gets to feeling like that all the time. I think that at heart I'm a social animal who doesn't often want to be sociable, so I'm miserable because I'm not sociable. It's like I'm pissed off at myself because I'm not who I should be, but because I am what I am, which is not good enough. It's pure apathy; I want to make something of myself, be creative, but I don't have the energy or motivation, frustrated but wallowing in it and feeling sorry for myself and just can't get over it, bored but won't do anything, lonely but don't want company. I had a dream I was pulling a car up a steep cliff face and couldn't get over the top. I'm not normally one for dream analysis...

I get angry at people but I can never say so because I would upset everyone. I get snarky when people find joy in things I don't know about (yeah whatever, shut up), or vent frustrations at things I might think they should be grateful for... And I know that it's me that's the problem, not them, and by directing my anger and frustration at everybody else, I'm actually making it all about me... Because, damnit, it's never all about me, and sometimes it bloody should be, I'm only visible if I kick off or if I haven't removed your lime-scale, but I'm not the one that's the issue, everyone else is at fault and they should all recognise that they all suck and I'm angry and envious that none of them has my stupid, ridiculous, self-centred, angry angry angry mind.

Despair, despair.

I want to eat an awful lot of crisps right now.
gemsybobsy: (sherlock3)
So, I don't mix well at all with beta blockers. My lungs were all HELL NO. I've had to go on a course of steroids and I've got a new inhaler. PURPLE! Darnsarnit. I'm alright now, lung-wise, but my tummy is also... bad. Let's not go into that. Probably just too many DRUGZ. Dr D is going to ring me on Monday to talk about trying new stuff for the weird aura 'heady and floopy' feeling; which is still going on, all day every day argh argh fml boo, without the beta blockers. They worked wonderfully for the brainfail, in just two days. Typical. I generally still feel like crappityballs. Dr D says I need to take a week off, and I shouldn't do nuffink or owt. Like that's gonna happen. It's annoying being self-employed. Someone gimme some sick pay! Didz is really smelly tonight. :/
gemsybobsy: (eleven)
Heh, I had the migraine from hell last night. Felt like I was being stabbed in the side of the head and in the back of the eye. Shit was awful. I was talking rubbish! It got so bad I phoned the emergency services, and I think I have quite a high pain threshold in general/certainly don't over-react in any way over health matters. By the time a paramedic phoned me back I was talking okay and stuff, so I wasn't rushed in or anything; my sis came and got me and we went to an out-of-hours doctor where I was given codeine and some anti-sickness stuff because I felt so darn sick. Today I went to my regular GP and got stronger triptans, some propanololololololololol and a referral for a CT scan. How exciting!
gemsybobsy: (floyd)
Oh, the third day of sertraline withdrawal (again). Can hear eyes moving again. I haven't been taking them 'cause I haven't been home in three days and I have a blue hand.

Good morning!



IT'S A LONG STORY. )

TO BE CONTINUED...
gemsybobsy: (bhuman)
Actually my evening's been quite dull, and a bit faily. I was messing around with new hoovery bits and a screwdriver and my fubar Dyson (I broke said new hoovery bits and ended up just ordering a new hoover). Then I picked glue off of some old tins for crafty purposes (and cut myself in the process). I started planning Christmas, got pissed off, and planned to cancel Christmas, made disgusting cookies (and gave them to Didz), did two loads of laundry in my cute baby washing machine, sat by the fire and drank about 10 cups of coffee (spilt some on the carpet and melted my kettle handle a little bit). Then I sat down to eat some walnuts that tasted a bit like paint and watched two awful films. That's a lot of THINGS, right? So why do I always feel like I've wasted all my time when I've done a lot of THINGS (even if they all turned out hilariously disastrous)? It reminds me of when I went through that bout of GAAAH a few months ago. Five windows and EastEnders (argh Yusef gtfo!) on the go all at once, and still bored.

So, I be getting on with useful, creative, interesting things. I been makin' foods. I maked curry and soup and bread and all sorts. I'm staying in this weekend and will make more cookin' in mah kitchen, and make use of some of these lovely books I've blagged... I might sit here and play some musics and time will whizz by and I'll think I've done nothing because I don't seem to recognise that I'm actually doing things. I always go to bed feeling like I've not done anything. Like I'm getting no feeling of accomplishment, or whatever, even if I consciously know that I haven't stopped for breath all day.

ANYWAY. I love living here. Some bits of town look like they belong in a rural village and some look like the posh bits of Covent Garden. Didz and I get so much attention everywhere we go. Our local doggy park is gorgeous. I still don't have my parking permit so I park my car at the Winchester and walk home across town from there. Whenever I nip into/walk past the pub for whatever reason, peoples ask me to stay for a drink! Nice peoples! I hardly ever go out at the moment though because I'm really scared about money and I never feel very sociable. I love it when people pop round mine, mostly, but I never want to stay out anywhere for a drink or round someone else's for a cuppa or whatever. I guess that's quite rude; expecting people to come to me. Is it? I'm LOVING all this space, though. I spend my weekends listening to the evil laughing ducks outside my bedroom window, strolling about the park and chillin' on my chaise longue. I'm in a quiet little schizoid bubble of glorious cocoon-like win. Heavenly. I don't need to go out at all this weekend 'cause my shonky old cupboards are full and I don't have any errands to run or gigs to play or see or any pesky sociableness to participate in. And I have some CUSTARD. Hell yeah.

For paws that do dishes.
gemsybobsy: (Default)
...if I'm doing the right thing. I went drinking on Friday at my local-pub-to-be, all unexpectedly like, and had a great time. I went to Fallout last night and sat on the sofa in the front bar for most of the night, panicking about money, and I'm sitting here now panicking about money... which is silly, because I'm well on my way to scoring a few more customers in the area and I've been offered bar work, and there is some interest from another cleaning company who want a part-time housekeeper, dear, and...

I don't know. I'm wondering if running away from Southampton is really the best thing to be doing considering I've only just managed to get my life and brain on the happy train. After so many years of struggling with the devil's own depression, anxiety, social problems and the lowest of low self-esteem, I've managed to strip all of that away and uncover my true self; I'm confident, strong, and happy to be myself wherever I go. So should I risk that by changing everything again? Why do I always get bored when things are going along nicely, and want to stir things up? And why move towns, when new people are all terrifying and/or a potential bell end? I'm confident now, but I'm still wary of people. 'Bring it on! Give those fuckers a (metaphorical) taste of Teh Gemseh,' says my confidence. My shy, self-deprecating side, on the other hand - which still occasionally lurks beneath the confidence - is going, 'Oh but everyone will think you're weeeird, you won't be accepted, you can't just expect to make more friends by moving to another town, you won't like it, you're going to have to put yourself out there to have a good time and you're too lame...'

Doubting doubts, plz to be off. I love my new house. I still can't bring myself to tell you guys about it though, or show anyone the pictures of it. But I will! My application's at the referencing stage, and should find out this week if it's successful. I was told that it should all be fine, and the estate agent asked me if I wanted to meet the landlady on Wednesday, which is awesome. So they obviously don't foresee a problem. Still pooing bricks though.

Ohhh.

Aug. 31st, 2011 10:40 pm
gemsybobsy: (amy)
During the 5–8-day period when sertraline was temporarily replaced by placebo, the most frequent symptoms (reported by more than a quarter of patients) were irritability, agitation, dizziness, headache, nervousness, crying, emotional lability, bad dreams and anger

or all of the above?



I can hear my eyes moving. :/
gemsybobsy: (amy)
I am... a bit... fine, actually. Too fine. So much awfulness in my family, and everybody (especially my nan) is so upset about everything. But I don't care. Emotionally. I genuinely can't bring myself to give a rat's ass. Which I know is awful, but I don't feel awful about it either. I guess that's what a high daily dose of SSRI is for. I've never been on pills for this long before, and I always had this worry about losing my ability to feel, but... it's good. It's just taken the painful, negative feelings away. It never crossed my mind that this could be a good thing, and that if I didn't have any negative feelings anyway I wouldn't care. Haha.

Seriously though - I like this. I actually have no feelings apart from boredom and pleasure. Which is amazing. I can sympathise and empathise as normal, but it's all just from my head and what I've learned about life, and not from my heart/soul/entire being. And now I'm thinking, oh man - I've always been like that really. Like, have I always just got sad for myself? I've always been really, really self-centred. I know I've been sad for others in the past, but I got over it. I can't remember it. It's just for just a little while, then I shut the door. If that makes sense. I used to think people did that to me and it made me depressed and not willing to make friends with anybody because hey what's the point if they don't really feel for me... but really it was me doing that to everybody else. Me, me, me. If someone's upset, I'll get the wave of feeling that says, 'If that was me, how would I feel?' And the cheeky voice in my head goes, 'Pretty shit, but look the sun's out, you're fabulous, there's money in your wallet and it's not you, so go and be awesome somewhere.'

What a bitch.

I've only ever pleased myself, and I swan about living my own life in my own world every single day. I told my dad that people think I'm really kind and there for everyone and what-have-you but I'm actually a really selfish person. My nan always asks me if I get lonely spending so much time on my own but I really don't, I have Me and that's good enough. I have great friends all of whom I try to see once a week at the least, and that's also good enough. I don't do intimacy, I don't do problems, I don't want to deal with any of the harsh bollocks life throws at humans, I just want to be frivolous and shallow so fuck off with all your emo. I'll play along with being social and polite and considerate. I don't pretend exactly, I just go through the motions and behave like I should. What's expected of me. If I could behave exactly as I wanted right now, I would probably go about singing and dancing all the time, drawing attention to myself and have everybody only talk about me. The only thing stopping me from doing it is a little bit of cerebral concern for other people and their feelings. Its all hilariousness, because Dr G did tell me that pills won't make me jump out of bed in the morning singing 'the hills are alive with the sound of music'. (Mind you I often did that in my lowest moods anyway.) I'm naturally quite narcissistic; I get bored when people are around me and I'm not the topic of conversation. It's so childish. Maybe it's because I'm an eldest child! I think of stories that have happened to me so that I can entertain people by talking about myself. I've always been like that, but now... even more so. Lol.

I still talk to other people about themselves, even strangers - I go about and chat to people randomly in shops, ask them how they are and pay little attention to the reply because they inevitably say, 'Fine thanks!' and that's it... I know that's normal, I'm sure most people generally swan about and do what they want to do and don't spare another thought for small talk. I guess that's why small talk is small talk! Maybe it was just me that was wrong before - I used to emote and worry and obsess about everything, to the point of depression. Maybe it's good to have the ability to close the door on other people's feelings.

Now, depression - diligaf? Which is fantastic. But when a friend or someone close needs consoling I'm useless. I do the *hugs* and the xxx and that, and while I know in my brain that I DO CARE about those guys, and would probably fall apart if they weren't in my life (again, that's a selfish point of view right there, oh god this is lame I should stfu and stop analysing myself)... I can't actually feel anything. I know I probably shouldn't be so blasé about saying that pubicly because I probably won't have any friends left soon. But I don't know. I know I care about them. I know the feelings are still inside me somewhere. If something really bad has happened to someone, I'll be like, 'Oh shit, that sucks,' feel sad for about a second and then block it out and find something fun to do. I know I should feel guilty about that, but I just don't. When I think about what it feels like to be able to feel, I just think of misery. All I can feel now is boredom or HAPPYHAPPYJOYJOY. Is it really happiness, or did I just emote too much before? Is this how people feel all the time and is this just plain sailing, as it were? Who even knows. I ain't even bovvered. I'm stuck in the doldrums but it's party city and the weather's lovely, thank you very much. My brain tells me I should apologise for that but if I did there'd be no sentiment behind it.

Bah.

Dec. 6th, 2010 09:47 pm
gemsybobsy: (devy)
Ugh, so much for keeping it away from IRL people. Accidentally told my nan everything on the phone, so now she's going to phone Mum and so now I'm waiting for the awkward 'what's all this about?' phone-call. Possible bipolaroid-ness (lol) aside, I'm mostly just upset that I'm back on sodding sertraline after two and a bit years of not having to take anything. Ugh. I want to PUNCH MY BRAIN IN THE NECK. AND I WILL.

Who's coming to my 30th birthday party? I want to swan about with my friends under a marquee in a beautiful grassy park or garden; I want to drink afternoon tea poured from dainty teapots, quaff fizzy pink wine, and nibble fairy cakes and cucumber fucking sandwiches to the sound of a string quartet. And then I want to throw on some heavy fucking metal and party till dawn.
gemsybobsy: (space)
I really didn't see this one coming. I have been saying for months now that even though I'm busy all the time I never feel like I've done anything worthwhile and that I'm always thinking too much and can't ... well, it's all here: there was the eels up inside me, thoughts aplenty but nothing useful, and this...

So this morning I went to see Dr G because the last lot of IBS tablets hadn't done a thing and I still have this damned feeling of 'fullness' in my right hypochondrium (for which I am going for an ultrasound, how exciting!) He asked me about my mood (he thinks my hypochondrium problem is hypochondria), and I explained the latest... dark-ass thoughts, not being able to shut my branes up, how I never feel like I can do enough and can't concentrate on one thing at once... I just thought it was anxiety. Dr G asked me, 'Do you feel like you could be Einstein if you could turn off the noise in your brain?' I said, 'Ha! Maybe not Einstein, I'm not down with da science and da logic. But I feel like I've got all these ideas and abilities inside me that I can't get out and put to any use.'

He said it sounds a bit like hypomania. I mean, I didn't even consider it, not for one tiny second. I've read about bipolar disorder of course, but I don't think that's me. I thought hypomania was meant to be like, productive? Like, getting loads of work and errands done (which I am, I guess?) Or just... I dunno, more physical; things like having excess energy and not being able to sit still and going jogging at 3am (I guess I do often dance at 3am...) I dunno. Preconceptions, I guess; everyone's different and there are levels? He asked me about my sleeping patterns, and made a tutting noise that told me that they don't sound normal or healthy at all. I thought that was just the way I am? Apparently it's not normal, either, to be at the computer having conversations in twelvety different windows while reading a book and listening to a song and watching the TV on all at the same time. Lol. When Multi-Tasking Becomes Mania...

We then talked about my general outlook and lifstyle and I think we determined that I had a full, enjoyable, busy life and that my circumstances were not the issue. Which makes me feel really bad because it's the old feeling of, 'I have nothing to complain about so why...' It's aaall in my head. Of course he then had to bring up the one thing that is (supposedly) missing from my life - and tried, once again, to persuade me go go on dates with 'nice lads'. He told me to have hope and said, 'I know, I know,' when I gave him my usual cynical reply.

Anyway, I feel awful. A little bit stunned. And a bit sick 'cause I just ate a fucktonne of Pringles. I just had to get some sense out of this so sorry if it's written all shitly. Argh I really don't want IRL people to know about this... for some reason. I dunno what to do.
gemsybobsy: (amy)
It's a bit of bitter jealousy on my part as well, I don't have any problem admitting that. It's clear that there is great importance placed on finding a partner. It's hard knowing I'm never going to have somebody who cares about me that much. When I loved somebody enough to compromise... I tried to change myself and my orientation for them, which was a mistake, but I'm still bitter that it wasn't enough. And it's rubbed in my face every day, zillions of times, that I failed at showing my love for that person. I KNOW people don't list relationships in order of value, but it certainly bloody feels like that when you can't give people what they need, so they choose someone else. If you COULD place a trillion quid price tag on a friendship, I would place one of all of mine. But when they opt to spend time in a relationship they obviously would place a higher price tag on... well, ouch, tbh.

I tried to explain this to my mum who, when I told her I wanted to move back over to her side of the Water because I got lonely, she said that, 'You think we're all over here getting together without you every night, and we're not. I never see your brother either and he's only up the road.' I tried to tell her that that isn't my point, I don't just feel left out of extended-family stuff... I feel left out of household stuff... my point is that they all HAVE somebody, someone to come home to, eat with; just to be with all the time. While I know that being in such close proximity to somebody all the time would drive me bonkers, sometimes I can't help that loneliness. Nothing can fill the void, because by the time I'm already down about it, I'm already bitter at everybody and don't want to see them. I feel like it's always up to me to go to them when I'm down, and, irrationally and selfishly, I kind of want somebody to care enough to come to me first and catch me before I get down about it. I get upset, I tell Facebook I'm fed up, people offer me tea and cake and cuddles. Then they forget about me again, because their own lives take over, of course, which is fine, really. I'm not saying I want to be centre of everyone's attention... but I kind of am saying that I want to be the centre of somebody's? But only sometimes? That's what romantic relationships are all about, right, sharing your whole world with somebody and making them the centre of yours? See what I'm saying? Of course people crave that. Of course I'm going to, sometimes.

I love my own company, and have always wanted to live on my own, and being around too many people does my head in. But sometimes it's bloody hard being alone. Especially this time of year. If I'm even slightly missing human company, I never feel like I can talk about it with anyone, because every time I bring this up someone'll say, 'You'll find somebody', or they'll tell me I am 'so important' to them, they love me, etc... then in the same breath they'll say, 'You''ll find somebody of your own some day'... as if that's any comfort whatsoever... It sounds bitter, but they might as well say, 'You're great and all, but I have this other relationship, and that's better. You'll have to get one of these too.' It's all just so... harsh. And there's nothing I can do about it except a) stay busy, gratefully accept the attention I do get from the people I love, and confidently go about being cheerful, doing what I feel like doing and pleasing myself, or b) be bitter that they don't think about me enough, hide from everybody in my room and be angry at them all and rant about them on the internet.

Sometimes it just has to be b).
gemsybobsy: (barrowmaaan)
-
My mind feels like a, I dunno... a giant orgy of jellied eels. Yup. I haven't stopped DOING THINGS throughout this whole month but my brain is still nagging me to do mooooar. Well, the eels are. They're all nagging me to do different things and my brain's just all *queue page of

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!*

I dunno. Life is all crazy and things are happening but I just feel like I'm not doing enough creatively or whatever, if that makes sense. No attention span. I'm also rather mood-swingy. I was all pro-active and upbeat and enthusiastic and GO TEAM MUTTS AND MOPS! this morning, and now I'm... not.

+
I saw the Trocks yesterday! Love love love love LOVE.



I was with my ballet ladies. We laughed so much, and we hovered outside the stage door afterwards to ask nosy questions about pointe shoes. We then wandered along the Strand and back across the South Bank, enjoyed some delicious cheesy tortelloni, then took the longest train home. I think I'm going to do my intermediate ballet exam. Hahaha. I just want to be able to fouetté like those wonderful Trocks. Amazing!

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