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E to the mo.
Oct. 28th, 2012 08:10 pmSuddenly very cold; gas fire keeps going out so I've got the electric one on the go. Thanks to the energy meter in front of me I can see the bill going up.
I have had an incredible weekend (two fantastic gigs), but I feel so flat, and I felt flat the whole time. I hope it didn't come across on stage. I'm so frustrated with myself; I thought I was finally over this. I know I'm introverted and I need breaks from being sociable. But I know things are bad when it gets to feeling like that all the time. I think that at heart I'm a social animal who doesn't often want to be sociable, so I'm miserable because I'm not sociable. It's like I'm pissed off at myself because I'm not who I should be, but because I am what I am, which is not good enough. It's pure apathy; I want to make something of myself, be creative, but I don't have the energy or motivation, frustrated but wallowing in it and feeling sorry for myself and just can't get over it, bored but won't do anything, lonely but don't want company. I had a dream I was pulling a car up a steep cliff face and couldn't get over the top. I'm not normally one for dream analysis...
I get angry at people but I can never say so because I would upset everyone. I get snarky when people find joy in things I don't know about (yeah whatever, shut up), or vent frustrations at things I might think they should be grateful for... And I know that it's me that's the problem, not them, and by directing my anger and frustration at everybody else, I'm actually making it all about me... Because, damnit, it's never all about me, and sometimes it bloody should be, I'm only visible if I kick off or if I haven't removed your lime-scale, but I'm not the one that's the issue, everyone else is at fault and they should all recognise that they all suck and I'm angry and envious that none of them has my stupid, ridiculous, self-centred, angry angry angry mind.
Despair, despair.
I want to eat an awful lot of crisps right now.
I have had an incredible weekend (two fantastic gigs), but I feel so flat, and I felt flat the whole time. I hope it didn't come across on stage. I'm so frustrated with myself; I thought I was finally over this. I know I'm introverted and I need breaks from being sociable. But I know things are bad when it gets to feeling like that all the time. I think that at heart I'm a social animal who doesn't often want to be sociable, so I'm miserable because I'm not sociable. It's like I'm pissed off at myself because I'm not who I should be, but because I am what I am, which is not good enough. It's pure apathy; I want to make something of myself, be creative, but I don't have the energy or motivation, frustrated but wallowing in it and feeling sorry for myself and just can't get over it, bored but won't do anything, lonely but don't want company. I had a dream I was pulling a car up a steep cliff face and couldn't get over the top. I'm not normally one for dream analysis...
I get angry at people but I can never say so because I would upset everyone. I get snarky when people find joy in things I don't know about (yeah whatever, shut up), or vent frustrations at things I might think they should be grateful for... And I know that it's me that's the problem, not them, and by directing my anger and frustration at everybody else, I'm actually making it all about me... Because, damnit, it's never all about me, and sometimes it bloody should be, I'm only visible if I kick off or if I haven't removed your lime-scale, but I'm not the one that's the issue, everyone else is at fault and they should all recognise that they all suck and I'm angry and envious that none of them has my stupid, ridiculous, self-centred, angry angry angry mind.
Despair, despair.
I want to eat an awful lot of crisps right now.
