Was going to put this in L&R but it turned into an essay so I decided not to.

[gemsybobsy]

It's a bit of bitter jealousy on my part as well, I don't have any problem admitting that. It's clear that there is great importance placed on finding a partner. It's hard knowing I'm never going to have somebody who cares about me that much. When I loved somebody enough to compromise... I tried to change myself and my orientation for them, which was a mistake, but I'm still bitter that it wasn't enough. And it's rubbed in my face every day, zillions of times, that I failed at showing my love for that person. I KNOW people don't list relationships in order of value, but it certainly bloody feels like that when you can't give people what they need, so they choose someone else. If you COULD place a trillion quid price tag on a friendship, I would place one of all of mine. But when they opt to spend time in a relationship they obviously would place a higher price tag on... well, ouch, tbh.

I tried to explain this to my mum who, when I told her I wanted to move back over to her side of the Water because I got lonely, she said that, 'You think we're all over here getting together without you every night, and we're not. I never see your brother either and he's only up the road.' I tried to tell her that that isn't my point, I don't just feel left out of extended-family stuff... I feel left out of household stuff... my point is that they all HAVE somebody, someone to come home to, eat with; just to be with all the time. While I know that being in such close proximity to somebody all the time would drive me bonkers, sometimes I can't help that loneliness. Nothing can fill the void, because by the time I'm already down about it, I'm already bitter at everybody and don't want to see them. I feel like it's always up to me to go to them when I'm down, and, irrationally and selfishly, I kind of want somebody to care enough to come to me first and catch me before I get down about it. I get upset, I tell Facebook I'm fed up, people offer me tea and cake and cuddles. Then they forget about me again, because their own lives take over, of course, which is fine, really. I'm not saying I want to be centre of everyone's attention... but I kind of am saying that I want to be the centre of somebody's? But only sometimes? That's what romantic relationships are all about, right, sharing your whole world with somebody and making them the centre of yours? See what I'm saying? Of course people crave that. Of course I'm going to, sometimes.

I love my own company, and have always wanted to live on my own, and being around too many people does my head in. But sometimes it's bloody hard being alone. Especially this time of year. If I'm even slightly missing human company, I never feel like I can talk about it with anyone, because every time I bring this up someone'll say, 'You'll find somebody', or they'll tell me I am 'so important' to them, they love me, etc... then in the same breath they'll say, 'You''ll find somebody of your own some day'... as if that's any comfort whatsoever... It sounds bitter, but they might as well say, 'You're great and all, but I have this other relationship, and that's better. You'll have to get one of these too.' It's all just so... harsh. And there's nothing I can do about it except a) stay busy, gratefully accept the attention I do get from the people I love, and confidently go about being cheerful, doing what I feel like doing and pleasing myself, or b) be bitter that they don't think about me enough, hide from everybody in my room and be angry at them all and rant about them on the internet.

Sometimes it just has to be b).

Comments

[eremite.livejournal.com]

Our whole society is so geared to this binary entity, and a lot of the time single people seem to stick out as "awkward" and "unfinished".

I think that - unconsciously - many people DO list relationships in value order. Maybe not in a "making a list" way, but certainly weighing up possibilities, expectations, obligations and so on in any given situation. Those binary entities take priority, both with themselves and with other people!

I haven't been the centre of anyone's attention (in that "special" way, at least) for many years now. For the first few years, I hoped and dreamed. Now... I've become reconciled to the idea that this is it. It used to hurt - the loneliness was terrible, and sometimes it still is - and the cries of 'You'll find somebody' made me want to throttle people (I promise that you'll never hear it from me!), this childish paradigm based, apparently, on Disney characters and pop songs.

A lot of my yearning wasn't for sex but - as you say - for someone to come home to and talk with. The thought of getting in, knackered, and have someone else make me a cuppa!

[thebarkside.livejournal.com]

It really, really does feel like that. Like I'm supposedly missing another half. Sometimes when I mention that I'm lonely I feel like people are telling me, 'I told you so! See, you DO want a boyfriend, I knew you would one day!' I don't want a partner, I just sometimes want more attention!

Living in Anna's house, I sometimes have Anna to come home to. Well, I'm usually in before her and she sometimes stays at Jon's but when she's here she is brilliant at making me cuppateas :D <3

[r0xikat.livejournal.com]

it is human nature to be with someone. platonic or not, we all need someone to put our whole into entirely. we are social animals. it's what we need to function.

and you can't always concern yourself with what other people are thinking.. you will lose yourself in things you can't control.

I don't know what else to tell you but to keep your head up and keep on.

[thebarkside.livejournal.com]

I don't like giving people my whole, really. I like talking, deep and meaningful, and I don't do that enough. I think that's what stops me being lonely - being able to talk properly. I hate small talk, and most social gatherings end up being like that.

Thanks you. xxx

[mmipanda.livejournal.com]

I agreed with your l&r rant but it was too late for me to contribute.
I've been living with Nathan pretty much the whole time we've been together and you just get so used to that other person, to the point that when he makes plans that exclude me I have a few moments of 'omg I will have nothing to do all weekend because he will be gone' - which is stupid, I just see what everyone else is doing until someone has an appealing suggestion. But he is definitely first on my list and it doesn't mean I like other people any less?

It's hard to explain. It's like a natural gravitation thing, I guess.

[thebarkside.livejournal.com]

Hehe, yeah I got a bit angry and unecessary in L&R. Tsk. I think it was just a sore spot, I was feeling lonely and shouldn't have gone in there. Haha. The natural gravitation thing was all I was saying, when I was saying that partners are the most important. It wasn't about ranks or lists, but I found it too hard to explain and got angry.