Tails from the Bark Side

27. Whether you like to plan ahead or be spontaneous
I like to make plans. I make lists and things; what I'm going to buy, eat, cook, pack, places I'm going to go to... I love making lists. But I am often spontaneous. Today, for example, I grabbed a load of stuff to sell, went and sold it, and used the money to buy teacups.

28. What you look for in a friend
Genuine people who aren't afraid to be a bit silly.
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29. Whether you’re a night owl or a morning lark
I love the daylight! I like the dark too, but I love light. I love getting up early and watching the city wake up. I do sometimes end up staying up till gone 5am when I have to be up at 8am. I wouldn't say I was a night owl though; I just get distracted with internets and stories. I sleep as little as possible really because it's boring.

30. How you would like people to remember you
I've actually always had a bit of a fear of being forgotten. Like, nobody ever talks about my great-grandparents, and their parents, and I think that's so sad. I think that's why I've always written diaries, so I can leave something behind for future generations to find. Or maybe just, "Gemsy was proper nice and well metal."

THE END OF THE MEME OMG I ACTUALLY FINISHED ONE.

I am... a bit... fine, actually. Too fine. So much awfulness in my family, and everybody (especially my nan) is so upset about everything. But I don't care. Emotionally. I genuinely can't bring myself to give a rat's ass. Which I know is awful, but I don't feel awful about it either. I guess that's what a high daily dose of SSRI is for. I've never been on pills for this long before, and I always had this worry about losing my ability to feel, but... it's good. It's just taken the painful, negative feelings away. It never crossed my mind that this could be a good thing, and that if I didn't have any negative feelings anyway I wouldn't care. Haha.

Seriously though - I like this. I actually have no feelings apart from boredom and pleasure. Which is amazing. I can sympathise and empathise as normal, but it's all just from my head and what I've learned about life, and not from my heart/soul/entire being. And now I'm thinking, oh man - I've always been like that really. Like, have I always just got sad for myself? I've always been really, really self-centred. I know I've been sad for others in the past, but I got over it. I can't remember it. It's just for just a little while, then I shut the door. If that makes sense. I used to think people did that to me and it made me depressed and not willing to make friends with anybody because hey what's the point if they don't really feel for me... but really it was me doing that to everybody else. Me, me, me. If someone's upset, I'll get the wave of feeling that says, 'If that was me, how would I feel?' And the cheeky voice in my head goes, 'Pretty shit, but look the sun's out, you're fabulous, there's money in your wallet and it's not you, so go and be awesome somewhere.'

What a bitch.

I've only ever pleased myself, and I swan about living my own life in my own world every single day. I told my dad that people think I'm really kind and there for everyone and what-have-you but I'm actually a really selfish person. My nan always asks me if I get lonely spending so much time on my own but I really don't, I have Me and that's good enough. I have great friends all of whom I try to see once a week at the least, and that's also good enough. I don't do intimacy, I don't do problems, I don't want to deal with any of the harsh bollocks life throws at humans, I just want to be frivolous and shallow so fuck off with all your emo. I'll play along with being social and polite and considerate. I don't pretend exactly, I just go through the motions and behave like I should. What's expected of me. If I could behave exactly as I wanted right now, I would probably go about singing and dancing all the time, drawing attention to myself and have everybody only talk about me. The only thing stopping me from doing it is a little bit of cerebral concern for other people and their feelings. Its all hilariousness, because Dr G did tell me that pills won't make me jump out of bed in the morning singing 'the hills are alive with the sound of music'. (Mind you I often did that in my lowest moods anyway.) I'm naturally quite narcissistic; I get bored when people are around me and I'm not the topic of conversation. It's so childish. Maybe it's because I'm an eldest child! I think of stories that have happened to me so that I can entertain people by talking about myself. I've always been like that, but now... even more so. Lol.

I still talk to other people about themselves, even strangers - I go about and chat to people randomly in shops, ask them how they are and pay little attention to the reply because they inevitably say, 'Fine thanks!' and that's it... I know that's normal, I'm sure most people generally swan about and do what they want to do and don't spare another thought for small talk. I guess that's why small talk is small talk! Maybe it was just me that was wrong before - I used to emote and worry and obsess about everything, to the point of depression. Maybe it's good to have the ability to close the door on other people's feelings.

Now, depression - diligaf? Which is fantastic. But when a friend or someone close needs consoling I'm useless. I do the *hugs* and the xxx and that, and while I know in my brain that I DO CARE about those guys, and would probably fall apart if they weren't in my life (again, that's a selfish point of view right there, oh god this is lame I should stfu and stop analysing myself)... I can't actually feel anything. I know I probably shouldn't be so blasé about saying that pubicly because I probably won't have any friends left soon. But I don't know. I know I care about them. I know the feelings are still inside me somewhere. If something really bad has happened to someone, I'll be like, 'Oh shit, that sucks,' feel sad for about a second and then block it out and find something fun to do. I know I should feel guilty about that, but I just don't. When I think about what it feels like to be able to feel, I just think of misery. All I can feel now is boredom or HAPPYHAPPYJOYJOY. Is it really happiness, or did I just emote too much before? Is this how people feel all the time and is this just plain sailing, as it were? Who even knows. I ain't even bovvered. I'm stuck in the doldrums but it's party city and the weather's lovely, thank you very much. My brain tells me I should apologise for that but if I did there'd be no sentiment behind it.

I might get some lentils. They're s'posed to be good for you aren't they? I need to eat a healthier diet. Well, I eat GOOD food but I don't not eat BAD food. Like packets of sweeties. Mentos. Yum. And I always eat loads of things. Like, loads of cereal. I need to stop staying up so late too. I was up till 5am this morning reading The Beach. It was good though. I read it in a day. I need to get the film now, even though it's obviously well different from the book. I watched a trailer today. Maybe I should go to local full-time university instead of the OU? I'm just writing down every thought. Why not eh? miezhka gave me five things to talk about. LET'S TALK ABOUT ME! :)

Muse Board
I have met so many brilliant people because of that place. And like, I tell it everything. Gone on and off the band over the years, but never gone off the board. Well, I have, but usually only for about a week or so and I'm back posting about the place again. It's not really an addiction, but it's definitely a habit. It's like I'm living with the people. M used to laugh at me and say I was always 'plugged in', and I'd lol because I AM top poster (and it's A LOT of posts) but it's not really like that. I don't cry if I can't get on the internet. If you were in a room with your housemate, watching telly or something, you'd make the occasional comment, you know. I use it like that. Like a notepad too, sometimes. Of course I have a job to do there, and that takes a bit of time, especially since the album came out. I talk to the board more than I talk to my journal. More than I talk to my friends face to face. It's just such a great variety of people, and subjects and that. Things get a bit personal sometimes, maybe a bit TMI, but I think nobody would really care. Unless they were really bored and stalkerish and maybe a bit weird in the head. If you were so inclined, you could search through all my posts and pretty much get my diary for the past... probably four or five years (depending on what threads have been purged or whateverz.) Um, and I like the skins! Muse White (Absolution) is my favourite. My favourite forum is Banter, obviously. I never use the Loveboat.

Singing
I dunno much about singing really. I had a few proper lessons at school but it was like a fun lunchtime club. Proper singing teacher, with about six of us. You had to audition for lessons, which was weird. I guess they wanted people who had some skillz to be going on with. I sang a song from Pirates of Penzance which we had done at school the previous year. I was in year 10 and the girl who had the main part had a really nice operatic voice, and I remember thinking I could probably do that. So I just did, like. Dunno where it came from. I got told off for hiding it (I didn't even know I could do it haha) and then I was picked to have the lessons. The singing teacher Anne kept telling me to go to her house for proper one-on-one lessons because she reckoned I had skills and could do exams. I didn't ever do that though, boo. Mrs Chamberlain the drama teacher always liked me too, she kept on about my singing for the next two years, was always thinking I was amazing at stuff but too shy. She was right though, I was always letting myself down with the shyness. Got a D in my AS level drama 'cause I didn't 'pull out ALL the stops' as she would say. When we rehearsed for the next play, Fiddler on the Roof, I sang Sunrise Sunset in front of the group and everyone shut up and they were all amazed, I was like, "What? I'm always singing, what's the deal?" but apparently it was particularly awesome that time. Even people who normally took the piss were giving me some big-ass respeck, so I started believing in my ability, as it were, and joined my old band, and still do singin' all the time. Not shy anymore. Everyone says it's weird how I can go on stage and sing and dance in front of people but can't have a normal conversation without being self-conscious. Singing is awesome though. I love music. No-one looks at your wonky eyes when you're making noise.

Driving
I love driving. The best thing I ever did, learning how to do it. I totally hated the actual lessons though. So horrible and long and boring and frustrating. So many things to remember at once, and I sucked. Took me two years of weekly lessons to get it. They were only ever one hour long - it was the instructor's policy. I wanted to get better quicker but he was one of those 'slowly but surely' types. Argh. I was so lame. It didn't make sense really 'cause in every other part of life I'm an excellent multi-tasker. I just couldn't get the hang of the complexities of driving. When I did it it was like autopilot of course, and still is. I passed on my fourth test, hardly getting any minors but always one big stupid mistake because I was so nervous. I did the same with my cycling proficiency as well. Four times. Such a numpty. But when I passed it was the best day ever. I had to go to work (boo) so I whipped my L plates off and hooned it up the bypass to the office, blasting Muse really loudly and everyone at work came outside and cheered. I still love driving, but only if I'm actually moving. It's ALL traffic around here and it actually makes me cry in the face. I can't wait to get my new car next week.

November
My bro's birthday is on the 8th so we always had the most fun fireworky birthday parties. Ellie was born on the same day five years ago. Dhana was born on the 7th last year. Haha. And it's Nan & Grandad's birthdays. So November starts with birthdays. I'm not a great winter fan, but November is nice. If it isn't wet (no November Rain plz!) The dry smell of bonfire smoke in the chill, frost, fireworks. Coming home to a warm house, dinner, collie cuddles, Floyd toasting his beard by the fire... lovely. And of course this November is going to be extra special. The height of gig season, and what a great year for gigs. :)

Treats
Aw. I treat myself far too often. In fact I only ever please myself. Haha. I think things like, "Right, that was a longer walk than normal, I'm going to have a bar of chocolate." My sweet tooth is my downfall. And I'm prone to craving stodgy carbs. Nightmare. I'm always excusing my bad habits, justifying them to myself. I do it every day though. Every five minutes. Excuses excuses. I buy CDs and things, and think, "Oh well, I don't go out drinking that often so it's alright." It got quite bad in the past. When I was with K9 and always unhappy. This is why I had an extra 3st around my booty and never had any money. Haha. My doggies like treats too. Well, they like 'munchies' and 'dinner' and 'apple'. Floyd gets excited every time you say, "D'you want..." Anything. If you say any of those things they leg it to the kitchen and sit perfectly still waiting for me to get the jar, and then they bark, lie down and sit all at the same time, just doing all their usual cues before I get a chance to say anything.