I've been thinking a lot lately about youth, and how fast it goes. I mentioned something somewhere the other day about my childhood; how we always used to have our baths early while Mum would make cheese and potato pie and beans, and we'd eat it in front of the telly on a Saturday evening, and all these memories came back of how my dad used to come in from work when he'd been on days with a cheerful, "Hello squids!" He'd always be so happy to be home, and he'd cuddle us after tea and I used to listen to his tummy rumbling and his heart beating, and I'd sniff him and say, "You smell of work!" and Nikki would go, "Daddy smells of wooo-ooork!" It was a very odd smell, sort of like a mixture of chemicals and ozone and stormy air; one of those lovely comfortable memory smells that you wish you could've bottled at the time and kept it forever. And it makes me sad that I'll probably never smell it again, because I don't live with him anymore, and stuff like that just doesn't seem the same when you're a grown-up.
We were watching old Doctor Who episodes again today and I was telling Anna and Steve about how when we did our infant school nativity plays we'd always have the Doctor in it, going back in time to Bethlehem in the TARDIS (there must've been a Whovian amongst the staff 'cause when Leeps went to the same school 5 years later they were still putting the Doctor in the nativity play!) And in my final year I got to be Mary and was really chuffed (my friend Sharon got to be Ace and my sis was a Cyberman, and Daniel was Joseph and everyone made us play kiss chase 'cause we were "married") because that was the best feeling ever, being the lead actress as it were. And even more so for me, because the previous year I'd been crying because I thought I was going to be an angel but I was confused 'cause I wasn't even in it, as I wasn't old enough. But yeah, I loved being the centre of attention as a kid. I was so bossy with my friends as well, inventing games and making the other kids play them. I loved dancing and always won the awards at our dancing school. I loved singing and acting and all that malarkey, and yeah. I rocked. I wish I still had that self-confidence. It's weird what life does to you.
BUT ANYWAY then I was thinking about being little, and school, and how once we were in assembly and there were these people there claiming to be aliens, like a little children's entertainment thing, and none of us believed them. Sort of peer pressure... "They're just normal people acting," everyone said. But at hometime when we went to get our coats there was green slime all around the school. I remember going up to my teacher and saying, "There's green slime everywhere!" and she said, "Oh, it looks like they were aliens after all!" I remember being terrified and the sky looked green and I went home and nervously told my mum that there were aliens taking over the school, and she told me not to be so daft.
So yeah, as well as start my life-long semi-obsession with outer space, that school did so much to inspire my imagination. Haha, looking back, my school was so awesome. So many memories where it felt like everybody loved me, like being the fun-run May Queen with Iain Cook being the May King, who gave me some sweeties to say congratulations for being the Queen. And I was wicked at reading so I'd help the younger kids from the lower years, so I felt amazingly wanted and special and brilliant at everything. It was an amazing life, I was oblivious, I just wanted to play and have fun and there were no issues, ever. I mean, every day I had to go to the secretary's office to get my eye cleaned but that was just something that happened, like how some other kids threw up a lot or had hearing aids or glasses. I didn't feel any different to the other kids.
Well.
I have no really bad memories of being under 7. Apart from that bitch dinner lady who was the first person to make me feel ugly. I wish I could meet her now and give her a cunt punt. I remember her telling me in front of everyone that I was disgusting because I was covered in pen ink, and always telling me to go and see the secretary to wash my eye out. Always always ALWAYS when I'd just reached the front of the dinner queue as well, so by the time I got back they'd run out of chips. I also remember being shouted at for being "silly" because I cried when there were fire drills. I was extremely scared of fire. They drill that fire-safety don't-play-with-matches crap into kids don't they, without the slightest thought that they might be terrifying them a little bit. And then they say you have to know how to light matches at Brownies! Talk about conflicting discipline. Anyway.
Oooh, Brownies was another one. I started off there being really shy because I was the youngest, but by the time I was the oldest I was ruling the fuckin' place. Gemma Davison, Super Brownie extraordinaire, Sixer of the Gnomes, mo'fucker. All the little n00bies loved me and I felt like a goddess. And then I was in Showtime at the Mayflower theatre, and got put in with all the Guides and got moved up, and was the youngest again so I left. Haha, 'ave it.
I guess you lose the innocence when you realise you're not the best. Falling out with my friends when girls reach that hormonal stage at junior school. And then I guess, discipline really, being taught how to act like an adult. Which, in my mind, equates to being taught to act like a stuffy, reserved, miserable old goat. I remember we did another play at junior school and the cast were sitting on the stage, and I jumped up to see what my nan had won when her raffle ticket got called. The next day the headmaster called an assembly and told me off, in front of the whole school. I still maintain that there was no need for that. Extremely harsh. "I'm talking to you, Gemma Davison. How dare you stand up when you'd ALL been told to sit still!" Well, I'm fucking sorry, I'll just be a good little quiet girl from now on.
And then there's starting secondary school, having cemented your place at the top of junior school, only to be met with competition from kids from the other schools. I remember meeting new girls in year 7 and them saying, "Ooh, I do ballet too!" and then learning they were already in Grade 6, when I'd just passed my Grade 3 exam. Was a completely different syllabus, but still. And then as everybody knows, before you know it you're a teenager and it all goes downhill.
I mean, I'm only 25 but sometimes feel really world-weary, like, responsibilities and being alone and the end of innocence and I often feel that it's already too late to do the things I've always wanted to do. The things I do end up doing are never the same as I thought they'd be and I move on to the next daydream. I found my old school stuff under the stairs and my Life Book was there, which was my attempt to gather all the diaries and thoughts and photos of my life in one place.. but I was 20 then and thought I'd grown up and had settled into my adult life, so I wrote my Book O' Life (it says that on the spine) thinking they were like my memoirs or something, and lo and behold EVERYTHING has changed since then.
I guess the only thing that's come close to being a true representation of my history is this journal, which is why I've attempted to type all my old diaries into this one as well. I'd love to print them all out and make a book one day, maybe use a bit of creative license and create a character or something. I dunno, I kind of want people to know about my life, I guess it's all the reading I've done of biographies and stories and tales of other people's lives and I've always wanted to do something like that about me so that there'll always be a record of my life after I'm gone. Sounds depressing but it's quite the opposite; I always think it's fucking awful how people's lives get lost with every new generation. For example, I am privileged to have known my great grandmother, Big Nanny Westbrook. But if anyone asked me about her, I couldn't tell them anything. I can hardly even remember her face. And it's already happening with my family. I see them now and am at a loss as to what to say to them. I started researching my family tree in the library a few years ago, but never really learnt anything and want to go back to it, but I often think what's the point, 'cause when I see my current family all we talk about is work and family. I know nothing about my once doting grandparents and aunties and uncles who I've lost touch with - you could say it's an age thing but I've grown up with cousins and siblings MY OWN AGE and don't know the first fucking thing about any of them. One of them's even in a fucking metal band and has played at THE JOINERS, for crying out loud. I go there all the time. He sounds like my kind of person, but I don't know him well enough and it's hard to see family members as people in their own right, if you see what I mean, because you never really know them. And when we do all meet at Christmas or whatever and talk, I go into Gemsy v1 (quiet reserved me) mode and it's always just the facts, "So-and-so does this for a living, has that many kids.." that's all there is to be found. There's never any DETAIL there, like, favourite music, things they'd wished for, things they love and hate, and none of the meaningful stuff that makes them the complex people they are. The way it seems to be is that people (parents and teachers and Brown Owls and what 'ave ya) are only here to educate kids on how to live in society, discipline any wayward antics and the essence of fun right out of them until they're a reserved, politely functioning, breadwinning adult, sever the inner-circle/immediate-family connection and then simply forget to keep the friendship going. And the kids grow up to do the same. I want to break that shit, yo'. I want to cuddle my daddy and tell him he smells of work and make daisy chains for my mummy again.
WHERE THE FUCK DID ALL THAT COME FROM
I want to resurrect Brother Earth. I was listening to Devy today and there's a song on there that sounds just like our old stuff. Inspiring.
*gets piano out*
Oh yeah, check out me new icon. Tammers sent it to me on my phone; 'tis me & teh doggle in the sea.
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