Jun. 13th, 2016 10:41 pm
gemsybobsy: (devy)
I've been in a musical bubble of love again lately; who knows why... perhaps because I'm exhausted having not had a holiday since Finland last year, maybe because I keep thinking about that holiday last year and the great people I was with, I saw John Grant live last week and it was amazing, perhaps because summer, festivally vibes, maybe because I have money again and I want to spend some on a few cool adventures... but mostly I think because I've been planning and booking time off for another wedding of friends I met online, and I've been getting soppy lately over all the real great friends I have met through music, even though we don't talk as much anymore... busy grownup lives... and various other things that have done away with the art of really connective internet chat I think... anyhoo. Reading back through my LJ I found this comment:

"Oh mate I said the other day that I often feel like the black sheep of the world, and it was meant as a lol but it's kinda true. YES, I AM THAT EMO. But we all have this one thing in common, this damn music, and it's all that matters, to me anyway. Sharing love of something that important with people you might not otherwise have even spoken to... it's so weird, and really amazing."

AND it made me think about fans, enthusiasm and this stuff we fill our lives with that not everyone understands... but you know there are people who do... (this post has been brewing for a few days haha so it could be tl;dr)

There's a fangirl in me and I've tried to suppress her. I wouldn't be at the stage door waiting for pics and hugs because I always felt a bit stalkery or something, and of course being depressed and anxious as balls most of my life lead to feelings of 'god no way am I inflicting myself on them', etc... I'd be at a gig and I could have *~*~*feels*~*~*~ washing over me, I wouldn't be ashamed to show them how I felt by jumping around, singing and yelling, anything really lol... I'd completely fall for bands and buy a CD... but I'd still avoid talking to the band after, and if I had to 'meet' them I'd just be like, 'Great set dude, loved it.' And that's it. Even if inside I'm going, 'OH MY GOD THOUGH that fucking BIT right THERE where you had that RIFF and then that line about the whatevers man that was AMAZING I had shivers mate please come back soon shit that was awesome...' No - we're supposed to keep it cool. Especially if you're a fanGIRL, I think. Probably because there's this stupid-ass idea that women only like music if they fancy the musicians. Also I think part of it also is like, for me, I had the feelings and I embraced them during the music, but that's finished now and the musician is separate and I don't want to conflate the two rn, especially if the musician turns out to be a wanker.

So yeah anyway in 2011 I had an expensive year - moved into a house on my own, got a credit card, bought a new car, went on loliday to Spain for my 30th birthday... and I flew to America to see Soundgarden who were one of the last ones on my bucket list (at the time, lol)... and then that summer I saw my favourite band play my favourite album in its entirety and it was incredible, and I thought - surely that's it, I CAN'T beat that, I've reached peak-fangirl, I've done it. I'm done, I have debts now ffs and my own massive expensive house to pay for... besides gigs are expensive these days so I don't think I can do it anymore...

AND ALSO, Dreams Divide was happening. We were still amazed at the attention we were getting but it did bring a feeling of like, 'it's OUR turn now, lol...' We had so many gigs in those first few years that I didn't miss going to see other artists. I'd stopped buying albums, and for a while I even stopped listening to music pretty much completely - I'd got Spotify but just had it for playlists & driving music, whatever. I was vaguely interested in my faves' releases, but I lost the excitement for it unless we were playing ourselves, or watching bands who we were sharing a stage with (and I always watch everyone and am enthusiastic and supportive as heck with them all because we were all in the same boat after all, and there's so much dang talent. ARGH) So I started to get into the habit of telling them how much great they are... AND I started buying music and going to a few gigs, And I got excited about music again. And I think my creativity is coming back (but I'm not holding my breath lmao)

But basically, my point is - FANS ARE GREAT. Especially OUR fans. Believe it or not, for a small-scene band like us, there've been a lot of people who've come up to us after our gigs just to tell us how much they love our work, I've had people going 'OMG' at me... there've been people who've partied with us, drawn pictures of us, given us presents and travelled to see us. Some are musicians themselves - a circle of fandom :D I think fans are cool as fuck, all of them. There is nothing uncool about enthusiasm for other humans and their talents, there's nothing wrong with discussing everything about your faves to the Nth degree, and there's nothing wrong with meeting and hugging and crying on people and telling them what a difference they've made to your life. The world needs more open feelings, more enthusiasm, less shame. <3 And less amazing musicians playing to empty rooms - I need to go out and be a fangirl more often!
gemsybobsy: (barrowmaaan)
I've always been active. By that I don't mean, 'I might walk to the pub every now and then', I mean I am an actual blue-arsed fly. As a kid I played netball tournaments for my junior school team, and I was either doing 5 types of dance or swimming & lifesaving depending on the night of the week. I'm asthmatic so I always hated cross-country running and other outdoor winter things like hockey (that was also the reason I quit netball after junior school), but I loved trampolining, gym and I was ace at high jump. I was awesome at basketball, too, if I do say so myself, until that time I somehow ended up shooting at the wrong hoop - in front of all the boys, too! On top of that I did a paper-round every morning, either on my bike or walking, I made my own way to school every day and on a typical Saturday or Sunday I'd be hanging out in the parks with my friends, walking/cycling around Hythe or we'd go off walking neighbours' dogs in the New Forest for hours.
Read more... )

So yeah, this is why I've lost weight - trapping the monster. I haven't 'changed my lifestyle' or 'become more active' or 'turned fat into muscle' or any of those weight loss clichés people always say. I've just stopped the monster from telling me to eat Tesco's on Toast every night. I HAVE started running and that's given me more incentive to fuel my body properly, but the weight loss itself is nowt to do with the running - I'm only on the 6th week of c25k, burning only about 100 cals per session! But we're not worrying about numbers ;)

Now I think there needs to be more help out there for people stuck with a monster like mine. I know there are helplines and charities like b-eat, but when I go to my doctor and tell her, 'I can't stop eating, I eat until I feel like I'm going to throw up every single night', her answer shouldn't be, 'But as long as you don't actually throw up it's not really going to cause you too many problems.' Binge eating and sugar addiction like mine should be treated like cases of substance abuse, which means referral to therapy and counselling would be the best solution. I'm lucky I could work through my food issues by reading a lot of books, but a lot of people don't have the ability or motivation to do it like I did.


Sep. 28th, 2015 10:10 am
gemsybobsy: (walkies)
I keep saying to myself, 'Update your frickin' diary because when you're 68 you'll be like "I wonder what you were doing on Maytember 68th 2015," and you will never, ever remember ever again.' Looking through my recent (!) entries, they were all Facebook posts, so I don't know if I really see the point. But I'm trying. I miss this space where I could whinge and go over small details without the judgement that seems to be prevalent on Facebook. Haha.

I've got that old problem of what to put where, though. Like, I used to have a band website, and then a few silly little 'about me' websites, where I'd write any old bollocks; as I felt the need to share my 'any old bollocks' with the world, way before I knew about LJ, and it was before social media was a Thing. Other than my own sites I had Yahoo! groups but they were very specific, on-topic sorts of places. Then I had the Muse forum's off-topic section. Then I had Deadjournal/Livejournal. Then MySpace, then Facebook. Now I just have Facebook and Twitter - if I tweet, it shares to Facebook so people who are friends with me on both platforms get my gubbins twice, but it doesn't do vice versa, so I just use Facebook for everything and Twitter gets forgotten... meanwhile this place is completely abandoned. I do worry that Facebook will one day go the way of MySpace and be forgotten about, and all my memories will go with it.

SO HERE I AM BACK AGAIN WITH NUFFINK TO SAY because anything vaguely interesting gets put out there in little snippets on Facebook, haha.

So, stuff from my bad-ass life. SO MUCH STUFF needs to be covered! Still got all the band gigs/tour memories to write about. Probably about 6 years of adventures. Trips to America, Germany, Scotland and Finland. I will hopefully get around to it! I've been back living in Southampton for two years now, I have a little flat above a washing machine shop. It's very cute. I can't even remember if I've written about that. Blimey. Still got my Didz. Still Mutts & Mops. Lots of new friends. Lots of my old friends' lives have changed a lot. Been through therapy and seem to be at the top of the depression hill, which is lovely considering I've suffered with it for the best part of 20 years. I think a lot of the solution to that came with getting older and working a lot on self-acceptance. I might go into it in more detail too... Yet another thing on the LJ to-do list!

I think I'll leave it there for now... I feel like this has contributed nothing to the story of my life. :D

Oh, because I already told Facebook this (see, this is the trouble!) - I got up and watched the lunar eclipse last night, which was nice. Got up at 2:30 and then 3:30 to see it in two different stages. The bugger had nearly moved right round to the windowless side of my flat though so I had to lean out of the window! It was quite beaut, all dark and goth. I wish I'd set up the telescope.


Jun. 30th, 2014 07:18 pm
gemsybobsy: (walkies)
I am privileged to be part of a really great 'scene' in which, while I've heard talk of such diva behaviour and much drama, I have experienced no such bollocks first-hand. However, I feel the need to post about something about courtesy and sexism in the music industry. I have complained of it for years, just to mates, and while I've got a Facebook and the opportunity of free speech, I thought I'd write it all down. The train of thought started this weekend when I was drinking with some great, lovely, fun, gracious, courteous people in a pub in Islington; we were doing the whole, 'after you, no after you' thing when going through a small entrance thingy, and I can't remember what I said but I indicated my dislike of the idea of 'ladies first'... There was then some banter about 'smashing the patriarchy'; exaggerating for comic effect of course, all in good spirits. Any well-brought-up child will know that we should hold doors open for each other and help when somebody is struggling with something heavy - these things are basic, common courtesy and nothing to do with gender, and very welcome. Anyone female-shaped who legit has a go at a male-shaped person, in the name of feminism, for holding a door open, is a twat. Unless they say something like 'ladies first', in which case feel free, like me, to debate the use of the term 'lady'.

HOWEVER, there are many things I have experienced as a female-shaped artist in the music industry that are not courteous, not gentlemanly, and downright rude - and no amount of heavy lifting and door opening can make this right. Some have occurred during my time as a musician on the lovely 'goff' (industrial/EBM/synthpop) scene, but not many - mostly these incidents have happened when I've been in rock bands on the pub circuit. Feel free to share, disagree, whatever you like - I'm hoping to open a few eyes and minds with this, not make people uncomfortable and like they're 'walking through a minefield', which is something that always gets said when someone questions 'etiquette'. Of course, everybody is different and there's no set rules and I'm not speaking for all female-shapes. But this is a list of the experiences that I feel have happened because there is a lot of assumption due to how I present as female, and some notes on how I feel about them.

- Many times when I've been sitting at a soundcheck, sometimes sitting among gear or setting up, guys have come in and greeted all other band members, and completely blanked me. I may have my hair tied back, glasses on, no make-up, etc. Later on, when I'm done up in my stage clobber, people have apologised for not talking to me because they hadn't known who I was earlier. I get the feeling it's because it's assumed I am a wife/girlfriend, a fan who's blagged her way in early, or a member of venue staff. In either case - it's pretty appalling that I get blanked, musician or not. If I'm not a musician I'm going to be there to assist or support you, so I deserve the same welcome you give your bros in bands!

- On that assumption, I've had people ask me how I got in, I've had people ask me for a beer, I've had people ask me who I'm driving for. 'Whose girlfriend are you, then?' is never a polite question in ANY walk of life - I'm a person, not a relationship status. If you don't know who I am just ask me which band I'm with; it's pretty damn easy.

- I've been refused entry to backstage areas and dressing rooms, even on presentation of my 'artist' wristband. They tugged it to check I hadn't nicked it.

- I was told to mind my language when I swore (mildly) at my laptop at a soundcheck.

- Sound engineers ask male bandmates how I want my vocals to sound. I'm standing right there.

- Please never tell a female-shaped musician that she's a 'great gimmick', that she is something other than the 'brains of the operation', and for god's sake 'you're more than a pretty face' is never - in any context - a compliment.

- Was given free entry to a show so long as I helped the band ship out afterwards. Awesome. Myself and three guys stood waiting for instructions. Tour manager says, 'I thought you said you'd bring four people.' I'm standing right there.

- Was denied a show because 'there's already a female-fronted band on the bill'.

- Been told quite a few times actually, 'This is boring production/music/guitar/artwork talk, sorry about this.' You do realise I stand behind the laptop and synths in an electronic band, right? What in the entire OMNIVERSE makes you think I would find any talk of electronic production 'boring'?! Oh right! Perceived vagina.

So yeah, that about sums it up. Then there's just the whole 'oops, ladies present' vibe that sometimes pops up when bands are hanging out before shows - unless you were born in 1930, it's redundant. You can be yourself. I want to be here, I'm playing music with you, I'm buying rounds of beer. I'm one of you. Don't assume that this female-shaped body has delicate ears. Hell I don't even identify as female, but I'd have a tough time asking people not to assume that.

In summary: Assume less.

Oh, while I'm asking for things - please be aware when you're in a shared dressing room with 4 other bands, and STOP HOGGING THE MIRROR. Ta!

(Hey this comes quite nicely after Dave's 'don't marginalize people's causes' post. Dreams Divide - social justice warriors!)
gemsybobsy: (spaced)
Right from my early school years I knew what I was good at - I could make people laugh, I could listen when people were upset, I could sort out arguments, I could organise games, make up dances... I had lots of friends. We were always told 'if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.' We were always encouraged to be the best people we could be, and appearance was never, ever an issue, beyond making sure we were clean and tidy. I discovered I had an artificial eye when I was probably about five-ish, when my sister and I were making tunnels with our hands to look through, and I realised when I did it on one side I couldn't see down the tunnel. But it still didn't really become an issue, I only had that and a bit of eczema to deal with, and other than the various questions I got asked from other children and eye hospital check-ups, I didn't really think about it.

As I got older, the other kids stopped asking innocent questions about it and started taking the piss instead. I learned that an artificial eye was a bad thing for a person to have in society. Mrs Twit had one, and she was loathsome. My eye became an affliction; something that was ugly. My Achilles' heel. After my childhood of having loads of mates, winner of Musician of the Year, being the best at handwriting and having all those ballet and swimming certificates - I started to feel inadequate. My circle of friends got smaller as everyone branched out, I was always the single one when everyone else had partners, and I gradually got more shy as I felt more and more inadequate - I eventually came to accept that I was ugly. 'Plain' at best. I tried not to let it stop me from enjoying my life, but it did get in the way. I let it stop me doing dancing and acting, which I loved, because nobody would want to act face-to-face on stage with a cross-eyed person. It buggered up my job interviews and my confidence because I couldn't do eye contact. It just ended up driving me a bit mad.

My family and friends would try to comfort me when I was upset about it by saying, 'There's nothing wrong with your eyes.' They'd try to gloss over the fact - there's nothing wrong, you're NOT cross-eyed, you're being silly, don't let it upset you. But it is a fact that I am flawed. My eye was broken! I'm reminded of that fact with every nasty comment, I can see it myself every time I look at a photo or a video of my face, or if I get the wrong angle in the mirror. School friends would always say they couldn't tell I had a fake eye or that they always forgot about it, until we'd all fall out as kids do, then they'd always get some nasty comment in about the eye. When I got older I had arguments with friends about this glossing-over malarkey, because it began to annoy me - 'You're not ugly, stop worrying about your eye.' 'WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!' I'd stomp off and not speak to anyone, always in a turmoil about this stupid bloody tiny poxy flaw.

It's only recently that I've realised that what I really wanted was for someone to say, 'Yes, your eye is wonky, but so what? That doesn't mean you're ugly. We all have flaws and we're all beautiful.' And I did get that response, from some, but I can't remember if I appreciated it at the time. It was always, 'Don't mention the eye. Don't upset her.' If I dared joke about the eye I'd get sympathetic looks. Or 'don't be silly' or 'don't put yourself down.' I even had people tell me they thought I was beautiful despite the eye. Lol, thanks. I'll remember to keep it hidden under the carpet/my fringe. But I've also had people say absolutely lovely things about it; that it's awesome, cute, endearing, and the best of all - that I only need one 'window' to see my soul - which was such a wonderful thing it always makes me cry when I think about it.

This clip is what inspired this entry today. "The meanest thing you can say to a fat girl is 'you're not fat'. It sucks to be a fat girl. Can people just let me say it?" CAN PEOPLE JUST LET ME SAY IT? - just sums up my whole experience. Argh, it's hard to put into words. It's like, we project our own standards of beauty, and what is normal, onto people who feel inadequate. Or, we believe people probably feel inadequate if they don't fit our own standards. See also Conchita off of Eurovision (what a great song). The bog-standard haters of cross-dressing and the related assortment of homophobic comments, I can kind of understand. But I keep hearing comments from people, who 'don't mind' transvestites, who are questioning the beard. 'It just doesn't look right, she should shave.' One comment in particular I saw just briefly looking at that page - how Conchita is trying to 'force the vast majority of people into thinking that a woman wearing a beard is just normal and just as beautiful. It looks very ugly and non-feminine.' I.e., if you want to appear as a woman, you have to at least fit... the breed standard?! Are people concerned for her? Who do they want her to change for?!

I'm always discussing with people whether I look better with short hair or long hair, because I'm always thinking about chopping it all off, and have been told it looks better long because it's 'more feminine'. Also apparently I look nicer in a dress because it's 'more feminine'. From which I can only draw the conclusion that 'more masculine' means 'more ugly'. I've had people tell me and my friends that we need to be less masculine so as to be more attractive. Don't drink pints, wear 'nice shoes', wear a 'flattering' dress. If I mention I don't suit pastel colours or floral patterns, don't fancy really short hair again because it emphasizes my big facial features and jawline, and don't want to wear spaghetti straps because of my broad shoulders, I'm 'putting myself down'. I am constantly being told I'm putting myself down if I have (or assert preference for) anything about me that is anything other than pure femininity. As this similar ramble showed back in the day, if I say I'm gender-neutral/androgynous I'm calling myself ugly and need to be told I'm being silly and am clearly a lady (because it's assumed that's what all [perceived] females want to hear!) Because, somehow, not adhering to what I should adhere to (perfectly-groomed, flawless-as-poss, straight, feminine-appearing/acting female of my age and race) would mean I would be making myself appear ugly. Which leads me to ask - appear ugly to whom? To the perfectly-groomed, flawless-as-poss, straight, masculine-appearing/acting (BEARDS) males of my age and race - because that is by whom society is led, or because that is whom society assumes I should be sexually attracted to/by...? Who knows. It's very much a 'tell them what I think they want to hear' kind of thing. If a friend mentions she feels fat, you automatically give them 'no you don't, you look great' as a response. I (hereby) wouldn't like to hear that, but I would probably still assume that's what my friend wants to hear. As if 'fat' and 'great' can never be synonymous. Are 'wonky eye' and 'ugly' synonymous? I wouldn't like to hear that either. But, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

I want to grow a beard ffs.
gemsybobsy: (amy)
I started writing this at the beginning of last week because I thought getting back into writing my journal would help a bit. Hmmm, we'll see! I am having a tough time mentally. DO NOT WANT! I have had depression and anxiety problems on and off since I was 17; it's something I can live and deal with and I've always stayed as positive as I can about it. I know when it's going to kick off and I take a break, see my doctor and look after myself. I have been taking antidepressants on and off all those years; the last type I had for 7 years continuously, and I am now at a point where I am a bit more emotionally settled so I have been gradually coming off them. My own decision, and made with my doctor's advice. So, yay me! It's all positive!!! This is a massive step though because, biologically, my brain has been relying on the pills for YEARS so it's going to screw up my brain chemistry for a while and make me feel like shite. And that 'shite' is a bit like depression itself and I'm scared it's going to come back.

It's always bugged me that you can publicly complain about headaches and earaches and norovirus and even poo problems and menstrual cramps, but if you mention a feeling brought on by a mental illness you're just 'being miserable' or 'feeling a bit down'... or, generally, you get the feeling that it's a taboo subject and something you should keep to yourself. And of course, it is an illness, not just me having a 'touch of the blues' or 'being down about myself'. I joke about 'being a bit emo today' because it's funny to me (i.e. a massive understatement) and I do like to make light of everything because, really, life is fucking hilarious. But this depression thing is NOT just me being 'sad about stuff' or even being 'sad for no reason'. It is actually my brain being an actual, physical twat, and conjuring up thoughts that really aren't part of my character, and if I dwell on them it makes me cry and panic, and that is what makes me sad. And everyone KNOWS that I would prefer to laugh and have fun. We all do. 'Depressed' is an emotion that everyone feels from time to time. 'Depression' is an illness that I just happen to have.

It's NOT my personality type.

I'm ridiculously silly, I laugh at everything including myself, I'm overly self-conscious at times and I'm sociable but introverted to the point of possibly having 'secret schizoid' tendencies. I'm NOT a miserable, negative or completely insular person. So when I talk about something I'm feeling, I'm usually worried about what my brain is doing and I'm turning to my friends. I would never go into detail about the thoughts themselves, because ew, but... yeah. I'm seeking attention, but not in that LOOK AT ME! sort of way. It's more like, 'O guise, plz halp, my brain's being a bellend.'

I have always hated people who use their illnesses/life situations as an excuse to be a c*nt. Having depression doesn't give me 'points' that I can use to claim I'm sadder and worse-off than everyone else. Equally, non-depression-suffering people don't get more points than me because they can cope with daily life better than me. I'm sick of feeling guilty because I'm moaning on Facebook about being ugly while some bloke on the telly can smile after a freak meteor wiped out his entire life. 'You should think yourself lucky,' my loved ones will say. That is not how it works. Depression makes you have horrible thoughts and it makes you emotionally unsteady. Too emotional, or too detached. One day I can laugh at my car being written off, the next day I can have a panic attack because I splodged my mascara. There aren't any winners.

Which brings me to this. You can't 'inspire' somebody with depression to think about other people who have similar and/or worse lives than us in the hope that it will help us to 'get over ourselves'. IT WILL NEVER HELP. When the hell did a dollop of guilt ever help anyone?! We all KNOW that there's no reason for us to be emotionally buggered up. It defies logic. I don't know how to explain my brain. So if I'm visibly tired, sad or deflated and people ask what's up, I can only keep to sociable conversation and relate my emo-ness to 'daily struggles', and therefore come out with 'light-hearted' things like, 'Oh, my brain says I fail at life so I'm crying because I couldn't brush my fringe straight, and I have to go to work and I have no money, and I hate all the things.' Then in return I get things like:

'But nobody likes going to work. But we all have to do it!' (brilliant)

'Oh, but we all feel like that from time to time. I felt sad all day yesterday for instance but I got over it.' (well done)

'It could be worse; look on the bright side.' (ooh I'd never thought of that but I will start doing so as of... now)

'At least you've got a roof over your head, eh? The western world, eh? Kids today, eh? Have everything on a plate and they still whinge' (... helpful)

'Doesn't it make you feel lucky that you're not in the middle of that warzone/you're not that child with cancer/that man who's lost his wife/have all your limbs/are not dead?' (oh, thank you. Thank you so damn much for now i have seen the light and the error of my ways, I will tell my brain to only produce rays of sunshine from now on)


just clearing that up
gemsybobsy: (floyd)
Right. I haven't done a post about my amazing new diet yet but, basically, I'm not eating any grains and it's better for me. It's going to be better for dogs. No arguments there. Didz has got fussy since not living with Floyd, due to lack of competition I think - Floyd isn't going to steal it so he can afford to be a fussbag. I'd love to go back to somehow giving him higher-protein food before he hits his senior years. He will no longer eat bones and veg and all the lovely BARFy things both boys grew up on - they'd devour whole chickens (and bunnies - fur and all) in about a minute. Now he'll only take really easy-to-eat, smelly, flavoury meat. He prefers it cooked, of course, the awkward git. He'll eat scraps of raw meat when I'm cooking me some bacon, but he can't be arsed munching a bone. Weirdo. I bought him some huge venison bones and they were just wasted. :(

When we moved here we went back to the cheapest of the cheap complete foods for cost reasons. He hasn't suffered, but it's like a human living on nothing but biscuits every day. Junk food. There's so much crap in it and he didn't eat it with as much excitement as he does with 'wet' meats. At the moment I'm giving him tins of Chappie and/or those horrible stinky Webbox sausage things, which he loves - but dog meat contains so much unnecessary bulking cereals, sugar and of course, it's mostly water. He also has an oat-based working dog food, separately, so that is a lot of carbohydrate for one collie wally. His weight and his coat are in excellent condition, but his teeth aren't as white as they were when he was on a proper BARF diet, and he proper stinks. Fishy mingarrr.

So, we need to go back to proper meat. Most dog meat suppliers charge megabucks, require one to buy bulk, and/or don't supply my area. I don't have a big freezer, so I'd have to buy it weekly, which is fine, because I buy my own food weekly, and yay for walking round the market buying local fresh food, yay, yay. I don't currently do that, because of costs. But I will be better off from March (fully booked Mutts & Mops is fully booked!) and will hopefully be able to afford to have some posh organic habits. Lol. That's assuming local butchers and farmers are much cop, which they're not. If I go in ANY butchers or farm shop, here or in Southampton (tried them all over the years) and ask for bones, chicken necks, wings and any offal-y bits for dogs, they look at me like I'm insane, or they don't have any (?!), or they charge a damn fortune, or the market ones will say, 'I'll bring some next week for you' and never do. The fruit and veg man down Salisbury market didn't know what kale was, and the farmers that did have kale/any dark leaves at all looked at me like I was mental because I wanted to buy a shedload of it.

At the moment I get all of my food from the supermarket, £20-30 a week, which includes:

- One chicken/horse (cheap as poss, but I do try not to get 'omg cruel' ones);
- One beef/horse (cheapest and most manky);
- Bacon/horse;
- Things that aren't meat but could possibly still be horse.

So I would love to just add Didz's food to this weekly shop too, maybe feed him the same beef/horse that I eat, (the one I get is under £2 for 500g) but I'd have to buy about six a week instead of one, and there isn't really enough organ meat in them to provide enough vitamins for bad-ass muscley canine bodies. And I'd end up with so many plastic trays to throw away (dog food tins are easily recycled). So, maybe we should stick to dog food...? There's Type 1 (expensive and in annoying little plastic pouches), Type 2 (contains oats, rice, is in non-recyclable plastic and also expensive) and then of course there's the absolutely disgustingly anger-inducing uber-expensive grain-free kibbles that are just a gigantic con - just found one online that was £70 for a 15kg sack, which (hilariously) contained rice and beet pulp which is just as bad as wheat. That leaves the small frozen blocks of meat you can get from pet shops but I'd have to squeeze them in the freezer because they go manky in the fridge within a few days.

And then, getting more into things, there's the issue of what the meat we eat was fed on - if I'm avoiding cheap grains, why am I eating and giving my dog meat that's been fed on cheap grains? Which leads to -> I want to buy grass-fed free-range but it's so expensive. I wish I could afford to buy a weekly grass-fed meat box for the two of us. I think I worked out that it would be £150+ a month for me to eat like that, so I stuck to weekly Sainsbury's shops... buuut, when I add 'wet' dog food costs, that's easily another £45... maybe I could go for a Riverford solution that could feed both of us? Maybe I could become a valued customer and persuade them to give me lots of cheap, old offcuts and offal for His Doodliness?

Bah. Maybe for now I need to go and chat up the market meat man...
gemsybobsy: (bhuman)
Introvert. I am happier being on my own - I live, travel, work, sleep and do... pretty much everything alone. I rarely crave company, don't generally go out and seek it, and if I happen to be amongst lots of people for too long I find it completely draining and I'll need to escape. I'm a hermit and I need a shell to hide in damnit or I'll get crabby, el-oh-el. I live in my brain, I think too much, I could be down the pub right now but I'm sitting here writing shit like this about myself... I've noticed though that as I've got older I've found that being with people is a lot less hard to deal with, which is probably because as an adult I can do everything on my own terms; nothing's forced on me like it used to be, through work, peer pressure, etc. I can choose the people I spend time with and make all of the social situations enjoyable all of the time. I am, however, a total performer. I like to show off, sing and dance; generally draw attention to myself... so I am a little bit extroverty. I think everyone has degrees of both, like most things. It's not really a social thing though - when I'm in that mode I'm usually oblivious as to who's actually there. Which probably explains why I never remember people. I suppose that could be my way of getting some attention because I do everything else on my own, haha. Maybe everyone needs their batteries recharged with human interaction, but at different rates. I know that if I'm really down I need more, and I'll go and harrass my family more often or spam Facebook with more attention-seeking statuses, haha.


Jan. 2nd, 2010 01:06 pm
gemsybobsy: (maynard)
"Everything in our age conspires to turn the writer, and every other kind of artist as well, into a minor official, working on themes handed to him from above and never telling what seems to him the whole of the truth. But in struggling against his fate he gets no help from his own side: that is, there is no large body of opinion which will assure him that he is in the right. In the past, at any rate throughout the Protestant centuries, the idea of rebellion and the idea of intellectual integrity were mixed up. A heretic - political, moral, religious, or aesthetic - was one who refused to outrage his own conscience. His outlook was summed up in the words of of the Revivalist hymn:

Dare to be a Daniel,
Dare to stand alone;
Dare to have a purpose firm,
Dare to make it known.

To bring this hymn up to date one would have to add a 'Don't' at the beginning of each line..."
- George Orwell, Books vs Cigarettes.

Of course, my brain automatically replaced 'a Daniel' with 'the Doctor'. Don't judge me.
gemsybobsy: (supernatural)
Ramblings r us. )

Anyway last night I had an awesome dream, that me and Jeannie and Ellie and Steve were going from Ringwood to Southampton in heavy snow, in Steve's old Fiesta, with seven dogs. Hilarious. Jeannie got in the front with Ellie (who was still a baby in my dream) and I got in the back with the dogs. We were listening to Iggy Pop, really loudly, and the car kept sliding around on the ice and we crashed loads, but it didn't matter? It was like a bumper car. Ronnie was there, and Zac, Riley, and Max and Maggie I think. Funny as fuck. Aw, I miss all those people.

I'm looking for a new car (which is probably why I dreamt about one!) Keep a look out for some bargains for me? I'm thinking Japanese, estate, petrol, cheap...
gemsybobsy: (walkies)
We went to Goblets for Anna's birthday last night. It was nice! Quiet and made a change from clubbing. Going out in town's just not the same anymore. Especially not without [ profile] sessal. It makes ME look boring, y'see, but I can't help but sit there looking insanely bored, if the music sucks and people insist on talking about work and driving. And then because I'm not enthusiastic people always ask me if I'm all right. I would be, if you all stopped boring the tits off me. Excuse me while I flounce.

Goblets was fun though. Nice peoples. Anna told me off for sticking Ashes to Ashes firmly in her brain, and this mate of Cockney Dave's was like, "Oooh, Bowie fans are we?" and started singing John, I'm Only Dancing and I giggled and Anna was like, "Seriously, don't sing his songs, she'll go all silly and probably come in her pants" so I said SHUT UP and hid behind my hands and sang Ashes to Ashes at her again and Steve (also massive fan) was like ooh Bowieee and Anna was all, "Gemsy loves him and wants to shag him even though he's old" and Steve was all, "Well, so do I!" and I was all, "WELL WHO WOULDN'T." So we ended up talking about our favourite albums and songs and that. Steve then said he and his mum went to see him at Wembley a few years ago and I did a sadface, oh my gawd like i h8 u, and told him about how Health & Safety Phil at GSF used to come to my office with holiday forms for Shane and say, "Right Gem, I need these days off 'cause I'm going to see David Bowie again" and how he'd come back afterwards and I'd go, "So, how was he?" and he'd go all gushy and sit down in my office and tell me all about it (brag) and then he'd say, "I don't know if I like his newer stuff though with all those drums and basses" and I used to have to tell him to go away then 'cause he didn't even APPRECIATE THE AWESOME OF ALL THOSE DRUMS AND BASSES and it's NOT FAIR and I'd cry with jealousy and consider throwing my stapler at him DAMNIT.

Last night we fancied some metal, so we went to the Dungeon and it was fucking shite, no space to dance, not that you'd want to anyway. Boring, boring predictable music. Mikey met us in there and we all eventually came home again and Andy turned up at the door (remember the dude who took the piss out of my eyes that time, and thought it was okay to excuse his behaviour because he "didn't know"?) Yeah. He walked in and started shouting at [ profile] littlefloyd for having the cheek to say hello, and was all attitude and... ugh. So I wasn't impressed that he was even there, so I went upstairs. Such a knobber. Cockney Dave realised (remembered?) my beef and said he'd tell him to leave, and Andy then tried to make friends with me but I wasn't having it - I was in drunken drama queen mode. Told him I didn't have time for narrow-minded people like you, sorry. Then he said I was being narrow-minded for not hearing his apology for his ignorance. Wat. Just gtfo. Somehow he ended up staying, not that I can argue, it's not my house is it? I lost, and was relegated to upstairs. Cheers friends, I'll wait upstairs while you all have your fun. Oh yeah, and this morning the back gate was wide open and Floyd was out in the street. You know, just running around amongst the cars. AAARGH. I haven't felt that angry in time. Anyway, if they wanna hang about with thundercunts it's their deal, but I'm staying out of it.

I was talking about going out and stuff with Jeannie the other night when we went round hers (we played Guitar Hero, haha). She wants to go out but not clubbing, and I was like, yeah clubbing's lame, and ugh. Shite. I told her she should move back down here, back to club land, and we can just have loads of nights in. Heeheehee. Mikey says I 'fit in' at clubs though. I think he might've mistaken me for someone else? Mikey just sent me some Jeff Buckley lyrics. We're getting so soppy. Haha. What was I talking about... Oh yeah. So then we all went to bed, the end. Today Mikey and I went out for lunch and walked [ profile] littlefloyd in the park and we bumped into Ian from Artisian and his girlfriend. All very surreal, seeing as both of them are in a very heavy metal band and I've heard stories from Mikey about his super diva rockstar behaviour and we were just all standing in the park passing the time of day and talking about dogs. Always makes me laugh, that.

My mum's had an operation and is in pain and I haven't had a chance to go see her yet. I feel fucking awful about that. I spoke to her on the phone today and we both cried and I said I'll go see her tomorrow. She told me not to bring any flowers 'cause she's got eight bunches and her lounge looks like a funeral home.
gemsybobsy: (space)
I had an interesting dream last night about a future colony of space humans. I looked for some YouTubes for those words.

This video is intriguing. The spelling is atrocious but the pictures are cool. The music is very pretty. The comments (of all things, about whether or not sex will be obsolete) are just hilarious. And how odd that I have stumbled across this video and, in particular, those comments. Just as I was preparing to try and arrange the thoughts in my head about being an asexual "woman". It's given me a context, if you will.

Here goes said writings (could be a bit O_o). )




Jul. 5th, 2007 11:38 pm
gemsybobsy: (doctor)
To continue from this morning's dog-rant, and to elaborate further on the shitter that's been this day, I've been fined £60 and am going to have three points on my license for jumping a red light. Bugger. I went over the line at 15mph, 1.2 seconds into the red. Fucking stupid isn't it?

Also, one of my molars is killing me. I can't get an appointment at the dentist until the 25th July. It feels like I need a filling, but when I told the dentist that six months ago she said there was no signs of decay at all. So it must be deep inside, which means root filling. HOW FUN FOR ME. And when she poked it last time it wouldn't go numb at all, it's a crazy zingy nerve, so it's going to HURT. Oh well, it's a month away yet. A month of my whole mouth aching. Aaargh.

Anyway, enough with the miserablyness.

I've been talking about Doctor Who ALL OVER THE INTERNETS since it ended on Saturday night, and it's been immense. It's bloody finished now (boo) but the communities have never been so mental! I thought the last episode was great.

More geekery (& spoilers) behind the geekshield of Rassilon )

What the hell will I do with my Saturday nights, now? :(

ALL DAY today I have been reading fanfic. Not much on. And blimey, there's crazy, demented Who fanfic ALL OVER THE INTERNETS at the moment as well; I know this because I don't read proper books anymore, it seems. Lol.
O_o Hahaha... I read them all in case there's a good bit (skimming very quickly through the rubbish Porn Without Plot ones, of course) and.. Oh. My. God. I'm skimming through ALL of them. Slash. Gah.

*inserts the usual rant about the lack of action/adventure/genfic*
Of course there's always some proper gems to be found out there. ^_^ Devil of the Seas and For Want of a Key to name but... two. Haha.

I also went to Gossamer for the first time in FUCKING YEARS and am shocked to see it still being updated, seven years after the show's ended. Weird. So in celebration, I joined [ profile] xfiles. Oh yeah, there's a Muse fanfic on the board, and we've been trying to explain to Kev what slash is. Funny as fuck.
gemsybobsy: (space)
I've been thinking a lot lately about youth, and how fast it goes. I mentioned something somewhere the other day about my childhood; how we always used to have our baths early while Mum would make cheese and potato pie and beans, and we'd eat it in front of the telly on a Saturday evening, and all these memories came back of how my dad used to come in from work when he'd been on days with a cheerful, "Hello squids!" He'd always be so happy to be home, and he'd cuddle us after tea and I used to listen to his tummy rumbling and his heart beating, and I'd sniff him and say, "You smell of work!" and Nikki would go, "Daddy smells of wooo-ooork!" It was a very odd smell, sort of like a mixture of chemicals and ozone and stormy air; one of those lovely comfortable memory smells that you wish you could've bottled at the time and kept it forever. And it makes me sad that I'll probably never smell it again, because I don't live with him anymore, and stuff like that just doesn't seem the same when you're a grown-up.

We were watching old Doctor Who episodes again today and I was telling Anna and Steve about how when we did our infant school nativity plays we'd always have the Doctor in it, going back in time to Bethlehem in the TARDIS (there must've been a Whovian amongst the staff 'cause when Leeps went to the same school 5 years later they were still putting the Doctor in the nativity play!) And in my final year I got to be Mary and was really chuffed (my friend Sharon got to be Ace and my sis was a Cyberman, and Daniel was Joseph and everyone made us play kiss chase 'cause we were "married") because that was the best feeling ever, being the lead actress as it were. And even more so for me, because the previous year I'd been crying because I thought I was going to be an angel but I was confused 'cause I wasn't even in it, as I wasn't old enough. But yeah, I loved being the centre of attention as a kid. I was so bossy with my friends as well, inventing games and making the other kids play them. I loved dancing and always won the awards at our dancing school. I loved singing and acting and all that malarkey, and yeah. I rocked. I wish I still had that self-confidence. It's weird what life does to you.

BUT ANYWAY then I was thinking about being little, and school, and how once we were in assembly and there were these people there claiming to be aliens, like a little children's entertainment thing, and none of us believed them. Sort of peer pressure... "They're just normal people acting," everyone said. But at hometime when we went to get our coats there was green slime all around the school. I remember going up to my teacher and saying, "There's green slime everywhere!" and she said, "Oh, it looks like they were aliens after all!" I remember being terrified and the sky looked green and I went home and nervously told my mum that there were aliens taking over the school, and she told me not to be so daft.

So yeah, as well as start my life-long semi-obsession with outer space, that school did so much to inspire my imagination. Haha, looking back, my school was so awesome. So many memories where it felt like everybody loved me, like being the fun-run May Queen with Iain Cook being the May King, who gave me some sweeties to say congratulations for being the Queen. And I was wicked at reading so I'd help the younger kids from the lower years, so I felt amazingly wanted and special and brilliant at everything. It was an amazing life, I was oblivious, I just wanted to play and have fun and there were no issues, ever. I mean, every day I had to go to the secretary's office to get my eye cleaned but that was just something that happened, like how some other kids threw up a lot or had hearing aids or glasses. I didn't feel any different to the other kids.


I have no really bad memories of being under 7. Apart from that bitch dinner lady who was the first person to make me feel ugly. I wish I could meet her now and give her a cunt punt. I remember her telling me in front of everyone that I was disgusting because I was covered in pen ink, and always telling me to go and see the secretary to wash my eye out. Always always ALWAYS when I'd just reached the front of the dinner queue as well, so by the time I got back they'd run out of chips. I also remember being shouted at for being "silly" because I cried when there were fire drills. I was extremely scared of fire. They drill that fire-safety don't-play-with-matches crap into kids don't they, without the slightest thought that they might be terrifying them a little bit. And then they say you have to know how to light matches at Brownies! Talk about conflicting discipline. Anyway.

Oooh, Brownies was another one. I started off there being really shy because I was the youngest, but by the time I was the oldest I was ruling the fuckin' place. Gemma Davison, Super Brownie extraordinaire, Sixer of the Gnomes, mo'fucker. All the little n00bies loved me and I felt like a goddess. And then I was in Showtime at the Mayflower theatre, and got put in with all the Guides and got moved up, and was the youngest again so I left. Haha, 'ave it.

I guess you lose the innocence when you realise you're not the best. Falling out with my friends when girls reach that hormonal stage at junior school. And then I guess, discipline really, being taught how to act like an adult. Which, in my mind, equates to being taught to act like a stuffy, reserved, miserable old goat. I remember we did another play at junior school and the cast were sitting on the stage, and I jumped up to see what my nan had won when her raffle ticket got called. The next day the headmaster called an assembly and told me off, in front of the whole school. I still maintain that there was no need for that. Extremely harsh. "I'm talking to you, Gemma Davison. How dare you stand up when you'd ALL been told to sit still!" Well, I'm fucking sorry, I'll just be a good little quiet girl from now on.

And then there's starting secondary school, having cemented your place at the top of junior school, only to be met with competition from kids from the other schools. I remember meeting new girls in year 7 and them saying, "Ooh, I do ballet too!" and then learning they were already in Grade 6, when I'd just passed my Grade 3 exam. Was a completely different syllabus, but still. And then as everybody knows, before you know it you're a teenager and it all goes downhill.

I mean, I'm only 25 but sometimes feel really world-weary, like, responsibilities and being alone and the end of innocence and I often feel that it's already too late to do the things I've always wanted to do. The things I do end up doing are never the same as I thought they'd be and I move on to the next daydream. I found my old school stuff under the stairs and my Life Book was there, which was my attempt to gather all the diaries and thoughts and photos of my life in one place.. but I was 20 then and thought I'd grown up and had settled into my adult life, so I wrote my Book O' Life (it says that on the spine) thinking they were like my memoirs or something, and lo and behold EVERYTHING has changed since then.

I guess the only thing that's come close to being a true representation of my history is this journal, which is why I've attempted to type all my old diaries into this one as well. I'd love to print them all out and make a book one day, maybe use a bit of creative license and create a character or something. I dunno, I kind of want people to know about my life, I guess it's all the reading I've done of biographies and stories and tales of other people's lives and I've always wanted to do something like that about me so that there'll always be a record of my life after I'm gone. Sounds depressing but it's quite the opposite; I always think it's fucking awful how people's lives get lost with every new generation. For example, I am privileged to have known my great grandmother, Big Nanny Westbrook. But if anyone asked me about her, I couldn't tell them anything. I can hardly even remember her face. And it's already happening with my family. I see them now and am at a loss as to what to say to them. I started researching my family tree in the library a few years ago, but never really learnt anything and want to go back to it, but I often think what's the point, 'cause when I see my current family all we talk about is work and family. I know nothing about my once doting grandparents and aunties and uncles who I've lost touch with - you could say it's an age thing but I've grown up with cousins and siblings MY OWN AGE and don't know the first fucking thing about any of them. One of them's even in a fucking metal band and has played at THE JOINERS, for crying out loud. I go there all the time. He sounds like my kind of person, but I don't know him well enough and it's hard to see family members as people in their own right, if you see what I mean, because you never really know them. And when we do all meet at Christmas or whatever and talk, I go into Gemsy v1 (quiet reserved me) mode and it's always just the facts, "So-and-so does this for a living, has that many kids.." that's all there is to be found. There's never any DETAIL there, like, favourite music, things they'd wished for, things they love and hate, and none of the meaningful stuff that makes them the complex people they are. The way it seems to be is that people (parents and teachers and Brown Owls and what 'ave ya) are only here to educate kids on how to live in society, discipline any wayward antics and the essence of fun right out of them until they're a reserved, politely functioning, breadwinning adult, sever the inner-circle/immediate-family connection and then simply forget to keep the friendship going. And the kids grow up to do the same. I want to break that shit, yo'. I want to cuddle my daddy and tell him he smells of work and make daisy chains for my mummy again.


I want to resurrect Brother Earth. I was listening to Devy today and there's a song on there that sounds just like our old stuff. Inspiring.
*gets piano out*

Oh yeah, check out me new icon. Tammers sent it to me on my phone; 'tis me & teh doggle in the sea.
gemsybobsy: (Default)
Well, I’m 18 now and I’m still living in my bungalow in Hythe. Which sucks, because Hythe is full of wankers. For fun we go down the pub, me, Dave, Tamsie, Martin, Graham, Nikki (sometimes). I’ve got 15 penfriends and loads of e-mail/message board friends who I’ve never met. I like the following bands: Manics, Radiohead, Super Furry Animals, Blink-182, JJ72, The Crocketts, Astrid, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stereophonics, Travis, Placebo, Marilyn Manson, Suede, Nirvana, Rachel Stamp, Mansun, Muse, Alanis Morissette, Ash, Slipknot, Discord, Big Leaves, Ooberman, Foo Fighters, Bush, Feeder, Skunk Anansie, Limp Bizkit, Korn, Hole, Metallica, Offspring, Greenday, Grandaddy, Flatline, System of a Down, Supergrass, Paul Weller, Rob Zombie, Lit, Smashing Pumpkins, Tool, The Clash, Beck, Beastie Boys, Eels, Gomez, Fun Lovin’ Criminals, Kula Shaker, Iggy Pop, Rammstein, Coal Chamber, Pearl Jam, Kid Rock, Soundgarden, Idlewild, Presidents of the USA, Weird Al Yankovich and 3 Colours Red!
So basically I like a whole mess of stuff.
I like dogs, cats, and Archers. So there you go!


gemsybobsy: (Default)

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