gemsybobsy: (spaced)
Right from my early school years I knew what I was good at - I could make people laugh, I could listen when people were upset, I could sort out arguments, I could organise games, make up dances... I had lots of friends. We were always told 'if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.' We were always encouraged to be the best people we could be, and appearance was never, ever an issue, beyond making sure we were clean and tidy. I discovered I had an artificial eye when I was probably about five-ish, when my sister and I were making tunnels with our hands to look through, and I realised when I did it on one side I couldn't see down the tunnel. But it still didn't really become an issue, I only had that and a bit of eczema to deal with, and other than the various questions I got asked from other children and eye hospital check-ups, I didn't really think about it.

As I got older, the other kids stopped asking innocent questions about it and started taking the piss instead. I learned that an artificial eye was a bad thing for a person to have in society. Mrs Twit had one, and she was loathsome. My eye became an affliction; something that was ugly. My Achilles' heel. After my childhood of having loads of mates, winner of Musician of the Year, being the best at handwriting and having all those ballet and swimming certificates - I started to feel inadequate. My circle of friends got smaller as everyone branched out, I was always the single one when everyone else had partners, and I gradually got more shy as I felt more and more inadequate - I eventually came to accept that I was ugly. 'Plain' at best. I tried not to let it stop me from enjoying my life, but it did get in the way. I let it stop me doing dancing and acting, which I loved, because nobody would want to act face-to-face on stage with a cross-eyed person. It buggered up my job interviews and my confidence because I couldn't do eye contact. It just ended up driving me a bit mad.

My family and friends would try to comfort me when I was upset about it by saying, 'There's nothing wrong with your eyes.' They'd try to gloss over the fact - there's nothing wrong, you're NOT cross-eyed, you're being silly, don't let it upset you. But it is a fact that I am flawed. My eye was broken! I'm reminded of that fact with every nasty comment, I can see it myself every time I look at a photo or a video of my face, or if I get the wrong angle in the mirror. School friends would always say they couldn't tell I had a fake eye or that they always forgot about it, until we'd all fall out as kids do, then they'd always get some nasty comment in about the eye. When I got older I had arguments with friends about this glossing-over malarkey, because it began to annoy me - 'You're not ugly, stop worrying about your eye.' 'WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!' I'd stomp off and not speak to anyone, always in a turmoil about this stupid bloody tiny poxy flaw.

It's only recently that I've realised that what I really wanted was for someone to say, 'Yes, your eye is wonky, but so what? That doesn't mean you're ugly. We all have flaws and we're all beautiful.' And I did get that response, from some, but I can't remember if I appreciated it at the time. It was always, 'Don't mention the eye. Don't upset her.' If I dared joke about the eye I'd get sympathetic looks. Or 'don't be silly' or 'don't put yourself down.' I even had people tell me they thought I was beautiful despite the eye. Lol, thanks. I'll remember to keep it hidden under the carpet/my fringe. But I've also had people say absolutely lovely things about it; that it's awesome, cute, endearing, and the best of all - that I only need one 'window' to see my soul - which was such a wonderful thing it always makes me cry when I think about it.

This clip is what inspired this entry today. "The meanest thing you can say to a fat girl is 'you're not fat'. It sucks to be a fat girl. Can people just let me say it?" CAN PEOPLE JUST LET ME SAY IT? - just sums up my whole experience. Argh, it's hard to put into words. It's like, we project our own standards of beauty, and what is normal, onto people who feel inadequate. Or, we believe people probably feel inadequate if they don't fit our own standards. See also Conchita off of Eurovision (what a great song). The bog-standard haters of cross-dressing and the related assortment of homophobic comments, I can kind of understand. But I keep hearing comments from people, who 'don't mind' transvestites, who are questioning the beard. 'It just doesn't look right, she should shave.' One comment in particular I saw just briefly looking at that page - how Conchita is trying to 'force the vast majority of people into thinking that a woman wearing a beard is just normal and just as beautiful. It looks very ugly and non-feminine.' I.e., if you want to appear as a woman, you have to at least fit... the breed standard?! Are people concerned for her? Who do they want her to change for?!

I'm always discussing with people whether I look better with short hair or long hair, because I'm always thinking about chopping it all off, and have been told it looks better long because it's 'more feminine'. Also apparently I look nicer in a dress because it's 'more feminine'. From which I can only draw the conclusion that 'more masculine' means 'more ugly'. I've had people tell me and my friends that we need to be less masculine so as to be more attractive. Don't drink pints, wear 'nice shoes', wear a 'flattering' dress. If I mention I don't suit pastel colours or floral patterns, don't fancy really short hair again because it emphasizes my big facial features and jawline, and don't want to wear spaghetti straps because of my broad shoulders, I'm 'putting myself down'. I am constantly being told I'm putting myself down if I have (or assert preference for) anything about me that is anything other than pure femininity. As this similar ramble showed back in the day, if I say I'm gender-neutral/androgynous I'm calling myself ugly and need to be told I'm being silly and am clearly a lady (because it's assumed that's what all [perceived] females want to hear!) Because, somehow, not adhering to what I should adhere to (perfectly-groomed, flawless-as-poss, straight, feminine-appearing/acting female of my age and race) would mean I would be making myself appear ugly. Which leads me to ask - appear ugly to whom? To the perfectly-groomed, flawless-as-poss, straight, masculine-appearing/acting (BEARDS) males of my age and race - because that is by whom society is led, or because that is whom society assumes I should be sexually attracted to/by...? Who knows. It's very much a 'tell them what I think they want to hear' kind of thing. If a friend mentions she feels fat, you automatically give them 'no you don't, you look great' as a response. I (hereby) wouldn't like to hear that, but I would probably still assume that's what my friend wants to hear. As if 'fat' and 'great' can never be synonymous. Are 'wonky eye' and 'ugly' synonymous? I wouldn't like to hear that either. But, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

I want to grow a beard ffs.

Layballs

Mar. 12th, 2014 09:58 am
gemsybobsy: (walkies)
Something I've been trying to put into words for some time now:

Whenever I've described my unusual sexual orientation, all I ever get in response is 'you shouldn't label yourself'. Which, not wishing to sound snippy, is easy for them to say. It's also easy for me to not bleat on about my 'labels', and I don't, generally, until I receive one too many assumptions about who I am. Which is always based on what society expects (heterosexuality) from someone who looks like me (female). Especially when these assumptions come from exactly the people who would consider themselves these forward-thinking non-labelling people - well, it makes me glad I have quick, descriptive terms that I can use to say everything I want to say. I WILL label myself, thank you. Words aren't scary. Labels are just words. Labels are for cardboard boxes full of things of a specific type. But the labels aren't tattoos and boxes aren't locked-and-buried time capsules; being in a box with a label does not mean you forever have to restrict parts of yourself so you will always 'deserve' to stay there. Nothing's permanent. The whole point in the ease of a label is that they are easily ripped off and replaced, with the changeability of the human personality.

Love from Gemsy, Divider of Dreams, Mopper of Mutts, human, brachydachtyly-type D, female-shaped (non-gender), aromantic asexual, dog lover, dysthymic, sufferer of irritable body syndrome, massive goff

Meeeeme

Aug. 22nd, 2012 11:41 pm
gemsybobsy: (study in pink)
21. Who you have a crush on
You, baby.

22. A friendship you lost
Ahhh, can of worms. I don't hate anyone but there are a few people I wish things had gone better with. I can't be arsed to think about that though; I'm already annoyed enough because of this piece of enraging bollockery.
gemsybobsy: (ballet2)
8. Your oldest hobby
Probably dancing! I started ballet with my sis when we were 6 & 7, and I still remember our first class. We gradually worked our way up through the ISTD grades in ballet, tap, modern, jazz and national as well. We did lots of shows and I auditioned for the Royal Ballet School once! We left after about ten years, but I started again in 2009 and don't know how on earth I went so long without it! Love dancing.

9. Your sexuality
I don't have one.

10. What you look for in a partner
I don't look for one.

11. Your kids, or your feelings about having kids
I don't have any, and as I don't have a sexuality... lol. I have had thoughts about adopting or fostering one day, but that'll be years away... if it happens at all. I'm too selfish! I have two lovely nieces and all my friend's babies to play with for now. :D

12. Your pets, past and present
When I was born we had a golden lab called Sandy, and when us kids grew up she moved across the garden to my nan and grandad's house to have a more peaceful life (their garden backed on to ours). When we got older we got another dog, a westie called Pippa. She had puppies twice, and one of them stayed with us (Macca), but he was hard work and we were all useless teenagers and we gave up on him. He ran away and he turned up later at the kennels, where he ended up staying... :(. He was nuts, but lovely. We had a few hamsters, gerbils, fish... a rabbit called Skippy, Dad had some ferrets... and he had a huge marine aquarium which was awesome, full of Nemos and angel fish and anemones. Now I have my Didz and Floyd, and my aquarium which is freshwater (tetras, gouramis and guppies). I'd love some chickens and maybe a pussycat one day.

13. Foods you love and foods you hate
I've always loved junk food like chips, ice-cream and chocolate. I love a big roast dinner. I love my greens. I eat like, 2 big broccolis and cauliflowers a week. I've just answered a bit of this in the last entry! I hate olives, raw tuna, sprouts, and I'm not a huge fan of having LOADS of seafood or mushrooms in one go.
gemsybobsy: (amy)
It's a bit of bitter jealousy on my part as well, I don't have any problem admitting that. It's clear that there is great importance placed on finding a partner. It's hard knowing I'm never going to have somebody who cares about me that much. When I loved somebody enough to compromise... I tried to change myself and my orientation for them, which was a mistake, but I'm still bitter that it wasn't enough. And it's rubbed in my face every day, zillions of times, that I failed at showing my love for that person. I KNOW people don't list relationships in order of value, but it certainly bloody feels like that when you can't give people what they need, so they choose someone else. If you COULD place a trillion quid price tag on a friendship, I would place one of all of mine. But when they opt to spend time in a relationship they obviously would place a higher price tag on... well, ouch, tbh.

I tried to explain this to my mum who, when I told her I wanted to move back over to her side of the Water because I got lonely, she said that, 'You think we're all over here getting together without you every night, and we're not. I never see your brother either and he's only up the road.' I tried to tell her that that isn't my point, I don't just feel left out of extended-family stuff... I feel left out of household stuff... my point is that they all HAVE somebody, someone to come home to, eat with; just to be with all the time. While I know that being in such close proximity to somebody all the time would drive me bonkers, sometimes I can't help that loneliness. Nothing can fill the void, because by the time I'm already down about it, I'm already bitter at everybody and don't want to see them. I feel like it's always up to me to go to them when I'm down, and, irrationally and selfishly, I kind of want somebody to care enough to come to me first and catch me before I get down about it. I get upset, I tell Facebook I'm fed up, people offer me tea and cake and cuddles. Then they forget about me again, because their own lives take over, of course, which is fine, really. I'm not saying I want to be centre of everyone's attention... but I kind of am saying that I want to be the centre of somebody's? But only sometimes? That's what romantic relationships are all about, right, sharing your whole world with somebody and making them the centre of yours? See what I'm saying? Of course people crave that. Of course I'm going to, sometimes.

I love my own company, and have always wanted to live on my own, and being around too many people does my head in. But sometimes it's bloody hard being alone. Especially this time of year. If I'm even slightly missing human company, I never feel like I can talk about it with anyone, because every time I bring this up someone'll say, 'You'll find somebody', or they'll tell me I am 'so important' to them, they love me, etc... then in the same breath they'll say, 'You''ll find somebody of your own some day'... as if that's any comfort whatsoever... It sounds bitter, but they might as well say, 'You're great and all, but I have this other relationship, and that's better. You'll have to get one of these too.' It's all just so... harsh. And there's nothing I can do about it except a) stay busy, gratefully accept the attention I do get from the people I love, and confidently go about being cheerful, doing what I feel like doing and pleasing myself, or b) be bitter that they don't think about me enough, hide from everybody in my room and be angry at them all and rant about them on the internet.

Sometimes it just has to be b).
gemsybobsy: (barrowmaaan)
...but, as usual, no interesting/constructive/creative ones. Here they are anyway, in the interest of keeping this thing updated with... YAWN.

- HOT CHOCOLATE.
- FIRE and TELLY.
- My scalp is really dry and tight. It's driving me insaaane. Moisturise me, moisturise me.
- I feel dizzy in my head.
- Been running around all over the city like a blue-arsed fly all week. I should go up the wooden hill and get loads of sleep, but that's boring, and I didn't wake up properly until midday today, so going to bed now would feel like a precious waste of hours that I could otherwise idle away reading nutty blogs/communities.
- New clothes arrived: under the cut )

SWISH SWISH. There are loads more, but I won't spam.

- NaNoWriMo is... naaah. I like what I have, but I don't really have the passion/attention span for it.
- Christmas ballet show is all planned and choreographed; just needs moar rehearsals. Can't wait.
- Album... still not complete...
- No fleas! YAY!



- A debate I spotted in comments on [livejournal.com profile] asexuality reminded me of when I was at school and we had to pretend to be handwriting experts writing a magazine column, analysing the handwriting of people who wrote in. Kids were all, 'Their Ys have large swooping tails, which means they are romantic,' and our teacher wasn't sure if we should be using 'he/she' or 'they' if the gender of the writer wasn't clear, and there was a debate which I avoided completely by writing in a colloquial second person format: 'Your Ys have large swooping tails, which means you're a romantic at heart, you old softie, you.'
- English needs proper non-gendery pronouns.
- On the theme of aces, the concept of attractiveness is really causing big brainache at the moment. I keep looking at different types of people... I DON'T GET IT. I just... what is it?! I think it's 'cause I caught up on Hollyoaks (shut up, it's awesome) earlier, and there was 'antics'... Lee was going around asking boys if they thought they were attractive because he couldn't tell, being a straight boy. And then there's people on Facebook saying I should dress more like a girl because I'm feminine, and a girl, and I was just... Iunno. 'You're so pretty, I wish you would believe it yourself, and stick some suspenders and lippy on.' And undies as well; pretty undies. What's the point?! Does it really make a difference? All the things people do/tell me to do, in order to fit the definition of attractive, and I don't get what it's all about. It just... bafflé. More than ever.
- Tooth is broken. Probably needs crown. I'm not even gonna... *seethes*
- Tummy ache, as normal.
- Acne. Pizza face. Can't eat my, can't eat my, no you can't eat my pizza face.
- Kinkmeme made me cry loltears again.
- Get off my television, Andre. Seriously. Knobtwat.
- There really are some ridiculous songs out there at the moment. 'If anybody sees her, shine a light on her'? What for? And what... aim the car headlights at her? Maglite in the face, or what?
gemsybobsy: (walkies)
I have had a disdainful view of love and relationships all my life. I've always hated that fact about me, and I hide it, normally. I don't like being a sourpuss. In my teens I just thought it would all make sense one day, and I dived in and kissed boys anyway, always disliking it, hoping some light would switch on. 'Of course I want a boyfriend, of course I care if boys do or don't think I'm a catch, of course I think that guy's good looking, of course he's a good kisser (bleurgh), of course.' I hoped that I’d grow up and stop being so oblivious to the reasons why people did this stuff. As much as I try and convince everybody I'm happy to be asexual, it is only over the past five years that I’ve accepted it myself, and it’s so impossible to be settled in your own mind when society is constantly telling you (directly or otherwise) that you really should have someone else there to share things with. Despite the fact that it's the norm, everybody does it and it's natural - and I don’t know why - I've always had this notion that the human need to be in an exclusive partnership as quite a weak thing. I find it weird and creepy. Possessiveness, competitiveness, envy. The need to BE possessed, competed for, envied. MY partner. MY husband. MY girlfriend. I realise that humans are weak and insecure by nature and that we need other people to be weak and insecure with. I am these things myself and I know it's not a bad thing. But still, it's something I feel and I can't help it: exclusive sexual relationships are weird.

I know great people, full of so much energy and brains and so many free and wonderful thoughts that I sometimes worry that if they had any more wonderful they might overload and disintegrate into puddles of pure awesome. They have so much to say; so much to offer the world. I can look at them (I don’t, generally, but I could) and think, 'Yes, I can see why people would want to know you. I am very happy to know you. I can see why people would want to have sex with you. But I don’t.' It's always been enough for me just to know them and to have them in my life. I found some song lyrics I wrote when I was in my late teens. I'd written them as a sort of tongue-in-cheek-overly-over-the-top commentary on how people always seem to be fine on their own and function like normal organisms until they fall in love. Then they suddenly turn into a pair of mutually-dependant symbiotic creatures with no sense of self at all. Blissfully unaware, discreetly unsure. Forever needless before. Now I'm ravaged and humbled, disgraced and open to you. Being one, anxiety is halved and I'm indebted to you. One as Two.

When I wrote the song I initially thought that the idea of being ‘ravaged' and ‘disgraced’ by love was a bit too strong. I left it in just because it was a metal song and I wanted it to sound like Tool. Years later, however, when a great person told me that the fact I didn't like sex much didn’t matter to him (and we therefore tried to have a Proper Relationship)... it was a bit humbling. The love part itself was easy! It was the 'being a partner' stuff that was the problem. It took everything out of me. It made me feel like I was on stage, all the time. It didn't come naturally to me. I felt like I was always proving myself; acting everything out for him. I felt that I wasn’t really myself, but I never acted as in pretending... I mean acting as in showing. I lost my sense of self, put all my attention into the relationship, and when he wasn’t there I put my energy into the internet, into the band I was listening to a lot at the time and just… switched off my brain.

Before this, I might've guessed that I'd based all my disdain for relationships on my friend who practically lived just for having a boyfriend; it was all she thought about, and nothing else mattered to her. But now I’d been on both sides… I wasn’t unhappy, I must stress that. He really was a great person, and we had some fantastic times. I just put so much into trying to be this half of one being that I forgot myself, and in the end that wasn’t good for me. I was hung up on the label - I didn’t want to be somebody’s girlfriend. Now I feel that maybe couples get so symbiotic because they’ve forgotten themselves completely? I don't know, but I feel like it might've got that far if we hadn't separated. I lost the great person in the end because, while he didn't yet seem to want to be in a state of symbiosis with me, he did want me to constantly show the world that we had some kind of unique connection. Knowing me and knowing the connection was there just wasn’t enough. It took me the best part of a year to realise that I couldn't fight it any more, I didn’t really want to be connected to anyone at all, even someone who is at risk of overloading and disintegrating into a puddle of pure awesome. I was just doing it because my own brain was telling me that being in a Proper Relationships was a good thing, because that's what we have to do to be normal.

It's weird, fighting with your own brain. I should probably do my proper essay now.
gemsybobsy: (sherlock)
Did I really just see a Sherlock/John fanvid (ewww) featuring ‘Closer’ by NIN? Really? Man. I guess it had to happen eventually. I think, within the month or so that's passed (woah, feels like a lifetime) since I dived into this shiny, new and extraordinary fandom, I have already seen all the hackneyed fanworx in the world. But really, come on. ‘Closer’? That’s just taking the piss. I'm not going to rant about slash, not today anyway, but once again I have a feeling that people honestly are under the impression that fanfic has to mean erotica. Even the well-intentioned [livejournal.com profile] asexy_sherlock fics are based around sexual experiences. So, new fandom, once more I have to ask: WHY IS EVERYBODY OBSESSED WITH SEX? And: WHERE IS ALL THE GREAT GENFIC? I thought there'd be loads of it in Sherlock fandom, because there's such scope, character, history, canon... You could pick any case, any situation, and stick modern-day Sherlock and John right in there. They're so freelance they might as well have a TARDIS, but no... Unlikely gay sex scene no. 124. Int: 221B Baker Street, the bedroom. There be touching and things. Boring. Dull. Predictable.

I've never really been interested in watching modern Holmes adaptations because I was convinced they'd sex him up. I only watched this one because [livejournal.com profile] bossmew and [livejournal.com profile] scarletstudy actual poked me with sticks until I downloaded it. "WATCH IT RIGHT NOW HE'S LIEK A BAMF TIEMLOARD GEMSY OMFG YOU WILL LOVE IT!" So after the BBC dudes done oh so good, and made me scream with that cliffhanger, I knew there'd be a metric fuckton of great fanfic online. So in I went, and correct I was: I've seen some great ones. There are loads of interesting, captivating and well-written stories that suck me right in because they're so in character and astonishingly well-written. Buuut, again, the subject matter makes me shake my head and mumble things like, 'Oh I see. That old chestnut. Injury plus comfort equals sex, what else is new.' Pain, violence, sex and more sex.

As an avid reader of fanfiction (I've been at it for over ten years now) I’ve gained so much insight into them dodgy human brainz. I've learned so much stuff I'd otherwise know nothing about. Straight sex, gay sex, non-consensual sex, torture, murder, the medical stuff they don't cover on ER, death... you name it. In so much more detail than you would ever see on telly. The really dark, disturbing things people fantasise about but don't dare talk about. The kinds of things you can't surreptitiously research in the library on a Saturday afternoon. Then there are the literary lessons I've learned; how to keep a character in character, how not to. The styles, tropes and the clichés I will forever avoid, because I’ve seen them so often that they actually disgust me now. The sorts of things that would make me throw a book down the stairs, had I read them in one of those and not on an expensive computer screen. Things about blue eyes, long dark eyelashes resting on pale cheeks… you know what I mean. A major source of enjoyment and annoyance in my life. And in fandom, while I am not generally an active contributor of worx, I always know who’s been inspired by whom, what's been done and what hasn't, who’s obviously come from another fandom I know well, and so on. I’m afraid it’s all merged into one big cliché. People are using the same ideas and 'kinks' over and over. You have to really search (and often, indeed, use the science of deduction) to find the good stuff.

This all sounds rather ungrateful and I feel like a bellend for criticising something I don’t try to do any better at myself (I suck at writing characters. They always just end up being me.) I still love it all, honestly; any new spin on a character I love from a fellow fan – allons-y! Even unlikely sex is good, sometimes, if it doesn’t make me want to throw things. I'm still constantly amazed at how brilliant people are at writing, and the Sherlock fandom is so nuts and prolific and fantastic. Can we just have something new? I dunno what. Maybe I should STFU complaining and write something myself. Or maybe think of a prompt to put in one of the massive fic memes. It's one of those things though; I don’t know what I actually want to read. I’ll know when I see it! I guess you don't know what you need in your life at all until you discover it.

Oh I'm reading this book, which is interesting. It is also why I'm thinking about fanfic and not doing my End of Course Assessment like I should be.
gemsybobsy: (Default)
"Facebook/wherever says you're a man."
"I'm as male as I am female, which is to say not very."
"Hahaha, of course you're female, you're blatantly a female."
"...Well, I'm not inside, that's the point."

No more talk of androgyny please, I'm confused.

People just can't take the hint. I mention this sort of thing as casually as I can, in real life, online, with everybody. The number of times I've been told to to shut up, that I'm talking bollocks - "Of course you're not asexual, you're just scared of sex 'cause your parents split up, of course you're not genderless, you're a woman, you're all woman, a beautiful, curvaceous woman with fantastic breasts" (weeell, that may've been exaggerated slightly) - but accusing me of putting myself down, that I'm just a bit worried about being with somebody, I just need to get over myself and enjoy life, I'm always being so down on myself. Thing is though mate, I'm not. I'm cheerfully and casually telling you the truth about my life, because I want to change this perception people have that asexuals are obviously unhappy, repressed, miserable beings with no pleasures to delight in, or to speak of; and that because I can't force myself into playing the role I was supposedly born to play - even though I have tried and tried again - I must hate myself. I must be so unhappy. If they were gender-less (NB: not -free) and asexual, they would be unhappy. So, to cheer me up, they tell me what they think I want to hear. That it's all imaginary. Brilliant! They mean so well, but they get it so, so wrong. They're telling me that who I am is wrong and incomprehensible.

I suffer from depression as it goes, and confusion about my sexuality and my place in life is a big part of that. People dismissing the things I am sure about makes me feel worse. It reinforces the confusion and makes me want to change, which is what makes me miserable. I can't change. This is the way I am. I can't accept being a woman, a sexual woman or a girlfriend if it all feels wrong. It's not something new. It's always felt wrong. 'Getting over it' wouldn't make me happy. Being who I am makes me happy. I don't know what else I can do (short of radical surgery/brain transplant/telepathy/leaving this entry public) to make people listen to me. It's so difficult, trying to tell people how I feel but at the same time, not make it a big deal. Because it isn't a big deal. I don't feel female and I don't experience sexual attraction. That's it. It sounds confusing, but it's really not. I'm not saying I want my own pronouns or anything like that, consider me female, call me 'Woman' (Anna does, haha), call me 'her', call me Stay-ceeee... whatever, I don't mind, it's not a big deal. But laughing and telling me I'm being silly for describing myself how I chose to describe myself - well, it hurts. I'm me and if you're going to love me I want you to love me for who I am, not despite of my depression/repression/confusion, or for what I am underneath it. I don't know. Just listen to me, and stop telling me what you think I want to hear.

I dunno what else to tell ya.

(Cross-posted to [livejournal.com profile] asexuality, sorry if you got it twice!)
gemsybobsy: (supernatural)
Ramblings r us. )

Anyway last night I had an awesome dream, that me and Jeannie and Ellie and Steve were going from Ringwood to Southampton in heavy snow, in Steve's old Fiesta, with seven dogs. Hilarious. Jeannie got in the front with Ellie (who was still a baby in my dream) and I got in the back with the dogs. We were listening to Iggy Pop, really loudly, and the car kept sliding around on the ice and we crashed loads, but it didn't matter? It was like a bumper car. Ronnie was there, and Zac, Riley, and Max and Maggie I think. Funny as fuck. Aw, I miss all those people.

I'm looking for a new car (which is probably why I dreamt about one!) Keep a look out for some bargains for me? I'm thinking Japanese, estate, petrol, cheap...

Asexuality.

Mar. 3rd, 2009 11:51 pm
gemsybobsy: (choccy)
I've been asking people for those 5-things-to-talk-about memes, and I have ten things that I haven't got around to getting around to. However, [livejournal.com profile] hellmutt's list included Amoebahood, and last night I spent a good hour filling in this survey for somebody's research so I thought I'd post it here in answer to that one.

It's a long 'un! )
gemsybobsy: (space)
I had an interesting dream last night about a future colony of space humans. I looked for some YouTubes for those words.

This video is intriguing. The spelling is atrocious but the pictures are cool. The music is very pretty. The comments (of all things, about whether or not sex will be obsolete) are just hilarious. And how odd that I have stumbled across this video and, in particular, those comments. Just as I was preparing to try and arrange the thoughts in my head about being an asexual "woman". It's given me a context, if you will.

Here goes said writings (could be a bit O_o). )



Woah.

x

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gemsybobsy: (Default)
gemsybobsy

June 2016

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