I am scared a little bit.

[gemsybobsy]

I really didn't see this one coming. I have been saying for months now that even though I'm busy all the time I never feel like I've done anything worthwhile and that I'm always thinking too much and can't ... well, it's all here: there was the eels up inside me, thoughts aplenty but nothing useful, and this...

So this morning I went to see Dr G because the last lot of IBS tablets hadn't done a thing and I still have this damned feeling of 'fullness' in my right hypochondrium (for which I am going for an ultrasound, how exciting!) He asked me about my mood (he thinks my hypochondrium problem is hypochondria), and I explained the latest... dark-ass thoughts, not being able to shut my branes up, how I never feel like I can do enough and can't concentrate on one thing at once... I just thought it was anxiety. Dr G asked me, 'Do you feel like you could be Einstein if you could turn off the noise in your brain?' I said, 'Ha! Maybe not Einstein, I'm not down with da science and da logic. But I feel like I've got all these ideas and abilities inside me that I can't get out and put to any use.'

He said it sounds a bit like hypomania. I mean, I didn't even consider it, not for one tiny second. I've read about bipolar disorder of course, but I don't think that's me. I thought hypomania was meant to be like, productive? Like, getting loads of work and errands done (which I am, I guess?) Or just... I dunno, more physical; things like having excess energy and not being able to sit still and going jogging at 3am (I guess I do often dance at 3am...) I dunno. Preconceptions, I guess; everyone's different and there are levels? He asked me about my sleeping patterns, and made a tutting noise that told me that they don't sound normal or healthy at all. I thought that was just the way I am? Apparently it's not normal, either, to be at the computer having conversations in twelvety different windows while reading a book and listening to a song and watching the TV on all at the same time. Lol. When Multi-Tasking Becomes Mania...

We then talked about my general outlook and lifstyle and I think we determined that I had a full, enjoyable, busy life and that my circumstances were not the issue. Which makes me feel really bad because it's the old feeling of, 'I have nothing to complain about so why...' It's aaall in my head. Of course he then had to bring up the one thing that is (supposedly) missing from my life - and tried, once again, to persuade me go go on dates with 'nice lads'. He told me to have hope and said, 'I know, I know,' when I gave him my usual cynical reply.

Anyway, I feel awful. A little bit stunned. And a bit sick 'cause I just ate a fucktonne of Pringles. I just had to get some sense out of this so sorry if it's written all shitly. Argh I really don't want IRL people to know about this... for some reason. I dunno what to do.

Comments

[eremite.livejournal.com]

If virtual hugs would help then you've got 'em, by the bucketload.

What I'm getting from your post is that the doc has given a name to one possible underlying cause of issues that you are already aware of. The tag doesn't create them or make them go away, but maybe it will give you a few more ideas about handling things yourself and/or places to look for support.

Hold fast to that full, enjoyable life ♥

[thebarkside.livejournal.com]

I'm just a bit shocked really 'cause it never crossed my mind. Here's hoping it's not a thing, but just a phase or something. I have new pills and have to go back in two weeks, so I guess I'll just keep calm and carry on!

Thanks so much! <3

[bossmew.livejournal.com]

It could be very mild bipolar
Or you could be like me and have a cyclomithic (?) personality like what I have.
It would take a psychiatrist to diagnose it

(I dunt fink u r bb)

[thebarkside.livejournal.com]

He only suggested it, and stuff. I've got to go back in two weeks. Ugh, I feel so awful. My nan was just on the phone and I confided and she's all, 'I have to tell your mother' and I know there's going to be all this fuss.

I just know Mum's gonna call me and be like, 'Well, I get down too, we all get down from time to time... you just have to get on with it,' as if I'm not just getting on with it.

Ugh.

[rhymeswithbooze.livejournal.com]

I know I've expressed my thoughts on the "bipolar" thing on the baordz before, namely that it's the most over-diagnosed, "I feel a bit wonky so my doctor sez I'm bipolar, lol" ball of shite in recent years. Seriously, it's the new ADD. It's a very real disease and I've seen people with it, and it's not something to be minimized. Granted I'm not a doctor but...get a second opinion. There could be some rapid cycling going on, but...I dunno, talk to someone else.

[thebarkside.livejournal.com]

Yeah I have seen that opinion come up a lot too. I really don't think I have it. My mum seems to think I have every symptom it describes. Anna said maybe what I thought was anxiety all this time was really something else. But I don't know. I am going back in two weeks and I'm going to ask if I can see someone. Maybe. I know something isn't right.

I feel sick and gash. I don't like when people minimize this shit either or why anyone would exaggerate and say they have mental stuff going on when they don't. It's fucking horrible.

[r0xikat.livejournal.com]

for the few people I've know who are bipolar.. one diagnosed and the other just recognized by other people... it's more super happy and then super angry and/or hide from the world after wards. the first person I knew who had it is fine now, she has a happy life and things going for her. the other one i'm in love with and just.. agh. I don't know.

have you ever written your activities down on paper? like by the hour or chunks of chours.. what you do and how you feel? maybe that way it'll help map out what it is.. or at least find some sort of pattern.