Tails from the Bark Side

I sorted and packed and took the rest of my stuff downstairs to the empty front room today, and rearranged my room into a 'spare' room for Anna and Jon; put up their pictures and what-have-you. Hilariously, I put a Moses basket and giant cuddly toy in the corner. They were only slightly amused. Teeheehee.

Anna's dad died last week. Total shock. He was only in his late fifties. I was round at maxnot and Aino's lovely new flat about to eat some risotto of win, when Anna texted me to say he'd had a heart attack. I got back home... and yeah, it's been awful and surreal. I dunno. It's hard, being supportive. I want everyone to be happy, and I want to fix things. It scares me, being there for someone but not being able to fix anything for them. I'm either wrapped up in my own woe, or I don't feel anything at all and don't know what to say, haha. It's odd, it's like, I can imagine how Anna feels; she's lost both her parents now, and the thought of it threatens to break my heart. But, I can't physically get upset about anything. It was the same New Year's Eve; everyone was drunk and crying and being emotional, and I just laughed at everyone. So unlike me. I think it's the drugs :)

I think I'm doing a good job though. I've just been making sure she's not on her own for too long, I make sure I'm about when Jon's at work, and... yeah, all I can do is be there I guess. I've pretty much just acted normally. She's acting normally too, really. A couple of tearful moments, but she's being brave; I'll give her a huge squidge and she'll go straight back into her usual upbeat-joking-and-uber-functioning mode. She said today that she feels weird because she can't seem to get upset about it either. But she's getting upset about silly things, like cars. I think it'll sink in for both of us. It's the funeral on Thursday.

Anna's dad was a bearded wonder. My favourite memory of him is from years ago at a big Forest barbecue, and we were looking for him everywhere, only to find him in his tent getting absolutely caned. He shouted at us to shut the flap 'cause we were letting the smoke out of his hotbox.

WTF, and WTF.

I've been SHOPPING all day today, on the internets. I spent the best part of two hundred squid on a whole new wardrobe. Yay. And last night I went to town with my lovelyfriends (tagged) to drink some cherry cider and see some FIRE.

Day 05 → Your favourite quote
The Brig: "Well naturally enough, the only country that could be trusted with such a role was Great Britain."
The Doctor: "Well, naturally. I mean, the rest were all foreigners."

Day 06 → Whatever tickles your fancy
bossmew and Anna and me saw the Scissor Sisters yesterday. It was amazing. bossmew and I think we should all go and see Muse dressed as Gumbys. Herp derp!

Day 07 → A photo that makes you happy


forgiveninasong and I feel the love on Lynzi Day! (I've been listening to I Belong to You all day so it had to be a lovely Musey memory!) Also, this.

( The rest. )

Last night Anna, me, Dave, sessal, Cockney Dave, Ant and Ben went to the Alex for some pintage. It was great fun, lots of laughs; I had a few and was decidedly merry at closing time. We went on to the Hobbit, where for some reason we started drinking vodka and lemonade. Disgusting. Well, I think I had four of those. We put 10 of our favourite songs on the jukebox, danced around the bar area a bit (it was really empty) to a song by the band 'A', remember them? They were awesome. A barman and I shared appreciation loudly across the bar. Then I jumped up on a stool at the bar and it started to spin lazily, so I started laughing and Anna span me round really fast. This guy next to me was like, 'That looks fun, lol.' I was all, 'Haha yeah, it's not me! It's doing it aaall on its own!' like, pretending I didn't know Anna was doing it, you know, being banterous. Then the thing stopped spinning and I was like, 'SPIN IT THE OTHER WAY I'm dizzyyy,' and we span it the other way, and I was like, 'See, the stool is alive, now it's changing directions! Magic!' Anna looked all innocent and this guy was like, 'I think your friends are having you on.' Well, duh. I pulled a really big sadface and sighed and said, 'Yeah they're so mean to me!' He laughed and was checking the state of my dizziness and being all banterous and jolly too. Then I looked up.

'Woah. WOAH. You're blind. Woah...' I laughed nervously and tried to spin away but he bent his neck and stared right into my fucking face, 'Yeah, fuckinell! I've just seen your eyes... you're blind. Bloody hell, didn't realise that.'

Then he like, turned his back? and got on with his drink? WHAT?! Like, I don't mind curiosity, but there were no polite questions here. No time for that. So I got up and started gathering my bits and bobs from the bar, still smiling, told the girls I was going to get that table... when he turns round again and starts rambling behind my back,

'Yeah I said I reckon your friends are... well, you said they were winding you up, but I think they're your carers!'

O_o how were they 'winding me up'...

I was just like, 'Haha, what?'

He was like, 'Yeah they're your carers aren't they!'

I turned to Anna and said loudly, with a hint of lulz in my voice, 'This is the sort of insensitive wanker I'm up against,' and began to laugh off the whole situation. THEN, unbelievably, the fucker REPEATED IT. 'Haha, 'ere, I said I don't reckon they're your friends, I reckon they're your carers.'

I just snapped, 'Oh for fuck sake, why would you even say that to somebody?' and went and sat down at the table, where my friends and I started rocking out to our jukebox songs, loudly, like, I don't care, up yours. But then some other people started throwing things at us (for singing) and there was some shouting and I started to cry. Dave and sessal were really angry and confronted the guy, and he denied everything. Dave was frustrated and wanted me to go over, see if he won't deny it to my face, but I was in no mood for that. I just wanted to undo it all and have fun. I felt rubbish for ruining sessal's birthday; all I ever do is ruin people's nights with this shit, because it's my fault if I'm offended, clearly. Anna went over to the guy while she was getting another drink, and she said to him, 'Having a good night? Goood, it's cool when people can have such a nice time being horrible to others.' ONE-ALL!

Then when we left and went to get chips, Cockney Dave and I stood outside and talked about it. He said, 'Why do you think these people are better than you?' I was like, I don't! I think they're the scum of the earth, the fact that they not only think bad things about people but feel the need to POINT THEM OUT, to their faces, and I want to march up to them and tell them that! And he said, 'Why don't you then?!' and I was all, I dunno. I dunno why I can't just stare them down and say yes, my eyes are wonky, SO FUCKING WHAT, instead of being speechless and quietly despairing of people and getting upset. I told Cockney Dave I'm not upset, I cry because I'm ANGRY at the fucking state of the world, that people exist who can not only think evil things about you but actually say it to you. I said I'm sick of people reminding me of it. Yes I know thanks! How about I point out one of your many flaws? UGH. Cockney Dave was all, 'These wankers think they're 'alternative' and free-thinking, nah nah nah, they ain't openminded, they're just wankers. Wait till you get to my age my gel, you'll realise it and won't give a fuck. So you've got a funny eye, so what? I'm short.'

Ahhh, I love it when Cockney Dave points out the bleedin' obvious (that people are cunts, not that he's short. He's not short anyway - he's taller than me!) But yes, here's a tip you guise probably already realise - that's why you're my friends, naturally - but if you see somebody with something obviously 'different' (I hate that but... yeah), don't point it out to them. They are very likely to already know. jfc. I need to be more angry and reactive rather than skulk away and cry. But then I'm always wary of causing a scene.

Thursday was a double birthdaytastical celebration day for both Leeps, who's 20 (OMFG OLD) and Ellie, who's 3. THREE. ALREADY.

So Thursday night I went to mum's for Leepee's birthday tea and then Steve and I drove around the Forest and talked about the odd smell of my van, the fact that dogs are meat-based and my emo. We also talked about Jeannie because she is special to us and she is going through a really hard time. And we talked and talked and talked and talked and talked PROPERLY and lo, it was brillant.

We went to Jeannie's last night (Friday) and on the way, we went to Toys R Us. I had the most extreme attack of teh giggles. This is why:



LOLOLOL, LOOK - IT'S TEAM TIEMCOCK.
I texted that picture to Anna and she replied with 'FUCK ME. *FANGASM*'
I love how she gets me. <3. Oh mate. I could've stood there all day. I can has laser screwdriver? *ahem*

SO ANYWAY then we nipped into the drive-through 'cause we had to get the obligatory burger for the journey to Jeannie's house, and they had no ordinary cheeseburgers left so we had to wait. I scrolled through my phone and noticed I had inadvertantly taken a picture of a Dalek Sec head. Just as the guy approached the car window to bring us our munchies I inadvertantly said FACE PENIS really loudly. Oh my God it was funny.

Then I told Steve about my enthusiastic toast making earlier in the day (for some reason I kept saying BEHOLD! while making my toast, then I was bigging up my housework with like, I need to do some suckin'. SUCKIN' for THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY. Y'know, instead of saying, like, I need to do the hoovering.

Small things amuse small minds, I guess.

And then Steve went, "LOL, toast. Toast would be a brilliant weapon for battle. You could flick the crumbs at the enemy. FLICK IT IN THE EYE OF THE KING." Like that, and I just could not stop el-oh-elling.

I gave Ellie a bunch of birthday balloons and a giant Mr Potatohead. She went all hyper and danced around with them, more interested in the balloons than her shiny new toys. BLESS. Then we (Steve, Jeannie and I) ate a shitload of chocolate and talked about college and memories and conspiracy theories and Friends and LOTR and just had a generic fest of lol. I think Jeannie will be okay. She said it was just 'cause she drank too much vodka. I hope so.

I have five dogs this weekend, including Roxy the Foxy Boxer who has to sleep on the landing and therefore keeps me awake all night sniffing my door. Bint.



Look at her gorgeous paws. Adorable little hobag.

I've been thinking a lot lately about youth, and how fast it goes. I mentioned something somewhere the other day about my childhood; how we always used to have our baths early while Mum would make cheese and potato pie and beans, and we'd eat it in front of the telly on a Saturday evening, and all these memories came back of how my dad used to come in from work when he'd been on days with a cheerful, "Hello squids!" He'd always be so happy to be home, and he'd cuddle us after tea and I used to listen to his tummy rumbling and his heart beating, and I'd sniff him and say, "You smell of work!" and Nikki would go, "Daddy smells of wooo-ooork!" It was a very odd smell, sort of like a mixture of chemicals and ozone and stormy air; one of those lovely comfortable memory smells that you wish you could've bottled at the time and kept it forever. And it makes me sad that I'll probably never smell it again, because I don't live with him anymore, and stuff like that just doesn't seem the same when you're a grown-up.

We were watching old Doctor Who episodes again today and I was telling Anna and Steve about how when we did our infant school nativity plays we'd always have the Doctor in it, going back in time to Bethlehem in the TARDIS (there must've been a Whovian amongst the staff 'cause when Leeps went to the same school 5 years later they were still putting the Doctor in the nativity play!) And in my final year I got to be Mary and was really chuffed (my friend Sharon got to be Ace and my sis was a Cyberman, and Daniel was Joseph and everyone made us play kiss chase 'cause we were "married") because that was the best feeling ever, being the lead actress as it were. And even more so for me, because the previous year I'd been crying because I thought I was going to be an angel but I was confused 'cause I wasn't even in it, as I wasn't old enough. But yeah, I loved being the centre of attention as a kid. I was so bossy with my friends as well, inventing games and making the other kids play them. I loved dancing and always won the awards at our dancing school. I loved singing and acting and all that malarkey, and yeah. I rocked. I wish I still had that self-confidence. It's weird what life does to you.

BUT ANYWAY then I was thinking about being little, and school, and how once we were in assembly and there were these people there claiming to be aliens, like a little children's entertainment thing, and none of us believed them. Sort of peer pressure... "They're just normal people acting," everyone said. But at hometime when we went to get our coats there was green slime all around the school. I remember going up to my teacher and saying, "There's green slime everywhere!" and she said, "Oh, it looks like they were aliens after all!" I remember being terrified and the sky looked green and I went home and nervously told my mum that there were aliens taking over the school, and she told me not to be so daft.

So yeah, as well as start my life-long semi-obsession with outer space, that school did so much to inspire my imagination. Haha, looking back, my school was so awesome. So many memories where it felt like everybody loved me, like being the fun-run May Queen with Iain Cook being the May King, who gave me some sweeties to say congratulations for being the Queen. And I was wicked at reading so I'd help the younger kids from the lower years, so I felt amazingly wanted and special and brilliant at everything. It was an amazing life, I was oblivious, I just wanted to play and have fun and there were no issues, ever. I mean, every day I had to go to the secretary's office to get my eye cleaned but that was just something that happened, like how some other kids threw up a lot or had hearing aids or glasses. I didn't feel any different to the other kids.

Well.

I have no really bad memories of being under 7. Apart from that bitch dinner lady who was the first person to make me feel ugly. I wish I could meet her now and give her a cunt punt. I remember her telling me in front of everyone that I was disgusting because I was covered in pen ink, and always telling me to go and see the secretary to wash my eye out. Always always ALWAYS when I'd just reached the front of the dinner queue as well, so by the time I got back they'd run out of chips. I also remember being shouted at for being "silly" because I cried when there were fire drills. I was extremely scared of fire. They drill that fire-safety don't-play-with-matches crap into kids don't they, without the slightest thought that they might be terrifying them a little bit. And then they say you have to know how to light matches at Brownies! Talk about conflicting discipline. Anyway.

Oooh, Brownies was another one. I started off there being really shy because I was the youngest, but by the time I was the oldest I was ruling the fuckin' place. Gemma Davison, Super Brownie extraordinaire, Sixer of the Gnomes, mo'fucker. All the little n00bies loved me and I felt like a goddess. And then I was in Showtime at the Mayflower theatre, and got put in with all the Guides and got moved up, and was the youngest again so I left. Haha, 'ave it.

I guess you lose the innocence when you realise you're not the best. Falling out with my friends when girls reach that hormonal stage at junior school. And then I guess, discipline really, being taught how to act like an adult. Which, in my mind, equates to being taught to act like a stuffy, reserved, miserable old goat. I remember we did another play at junior school and the cast were sitting on the stage, and I jumped up to see what my nan had won when her raffle ticket got called. The next day the headmaster called an assembly and told me off, in front of the whole school. I still maintain that there was no need for that. Extremely harsh. "I'm talking to you, Gemma Davison. How dare you stand up when you'd ALL been told to sit still!" Well, I'm fucking sorry, I'll just be a good little quiet girl from now on.

And then there's starting secondary school, having cemented your place at the top of junior school, only to be met with competition from kids from the other schools. I remember meeting new girls in year 7 and them saying, "Ooh, I do ballet too!" and then learning they were already in Grade 6, when I'd just passed my Grade 3 exam. Was a completely different syllabus, but still. And then as everybody knows, before you know it you're a teenager and it all goes downhill.

I mean, I'm only 25 but sometimes feel really world-weary, like, responsibilities and being alone and the end of innocence and I often feel that it's already too late to do the things I've always wanted to do. The things I do end up doing are never the same as I thought they'd be and I move on to the next daydream. I found my old school stuff under the stairs and my Life Book was there, which was my attempt to gather all the diaries and thoughts and photos of my life in one place.. but I was 20 then and thought I'd grown up and had settled into my adult life, so I wrote my Book O' Life (it says that on the spine) thinking they were like my memoirs or something, and lo and behold EVERYTHING has changed since then.

I guess the only thing that's come close to being a true representation of my history is this journal, which is why I've attempted to type all my old diaries into this one as well. I'd love to print them all out and make a book one day, maybe use a bit of creative license and create a character or something. I dunno, I kind of want people to know about my life, I guess it's all the reading I've done of biographies and stories and tales of other people's lives and I've always wanted to do something like that about me so that there'll always be a record of my life after I'm gone. Sounds depressing but it's quite the opposite; I always think it's fucking awful how people's lives get lost with every new generation. For example, I am privileged to have known my great grandmother, Big Nanny Westbrook. But if anyone asked me about her, I couldn't tell them anything. I can hardly even remember her face. And it's already happening with my family. I see them now and am at a loss as to what to say to them. I started researching my family tree in the library a few years ago, but never really learnt anything and want to go back to it, but I often think what's the point, 'cause when I see my current family all we talk about is work and family. I know nothing about my once doting grandparents and aunties and uncles who I've lost touch with - you could say it's an age thing but I've grown up with cousins and siblings MY OWN AGE and don't know the first fucking thing about any of them. One of them's even in a fucking metal band and has played at THE JOINERS, for crying out loud. I go there all the time. He sounds like my kind of person, but I don't know him well enough and it's hard to see family members as people in their own right, if you see what I mean, because you never really know them. And when we do all meet at Christmas or whatever and talk, I go into Gemsy v1 (quiet reserved me) mode and it's always just the facts, "So-and-so does this for a living, has that many kids.." that's all there is to be found. There's never any DETAIL there, like, favourite music, things they'd wished for, things they love and hate, and none of the meaningful stuff that makes them the complex people they are. The way it seems to be is that people (parents and teachers and Brown Owls and what 'ave ya) are only here to educate kids on how to live in society, discipline any wayward antics and the essence of fun right out of them until they're a reserved, politely functioning, breadwinning adult, sever the inner-circle/immediate-family connection and then simply forget to keep the friendship going. And the kids grow up to do the same. I want to break that shit, yo'. I want to cuddle my daddy and tell him he smells of work and make daisy chains for my mummy again.

WHERE THE FUCK DID ALL THAT COME FROM

I want to resurrect Brother Earth. I was listening to Devy today and there's a song on there that sounds just like our old stuff. Inspiring.
*gets piano out*

Oh yeah, check out me new icon. Tammers sent it to me on my phone; 'tis me & teh doggle in the sea.

We've looked at two now. Well, three, but the first two were in the same building and both as godawful as each other.

The one we saw today was much nicer, but it was right at the top of the house, and looked quite studenty. And it had furniture, which we don't need.

Hmmm...
It's been a hot weekend. On Friday, Anna and I went down the pub with Timur and Dave and that was cool, we just chatted about festivals and stuff. Ended up having a lock-in and me and Nikki were dancing around the back bar like pillocks.

Then Anna and I walked home with some cider and got chatting all night on the bench outside the shops. We went back to mine to sleep at about 5am and woke up at 2pm on Saturday. What a waste of a day! Then Steve came round and we got some chips and sat down the beach for a while, then went to the pub again. I went home quite early and watched Download highlights and System's London gig, which was shown on Channel 4. Bonus. ^_^

Daron. <3

On Sunday I stayed in the pub garden for most of the day. I'm making the most of it, says I, 'cause I'm gonna miss it when I move into town. Awww, pub.
Dave came down too and he had some serious beef with Dan, so we stayed there and drank coke all day. Then we went to the beach quickly to say hello to Mikey who was down there soaking up the rays.

I gave Dave a lift into town after that and popped into Anna's house for a drink. Then went home and chilled at mine. Yawn.

God, I had the dentist again this morning. £61. Damn it. But luckily it's all done now, and I don't have to go back for another 6 months. I had my root filling finished off and another filling done on the other side of my face, so I was numb all over. Now it's worn off my teeth have started aching, and I'm fucking starving now 'cause I can't eat owt, haha.

Damn it.

Come on, home time. I'm going to look at two more flats this evening.

w00t, Audioslave tomorrow. :)

2 September
Jeannie’s birthday! We went to Lennon’s in the evening. Timur came round in the day time and we went down Hythe and had lunch, then we went back to mine and I wrapped Jeannie’s and Meesh’s pressies and we watched Mallrats. I went round Jeannie’s later with Dave and Steve, and we went to Lennon’s which was quite good after they stopped playing silly hip-hop. I saw Graham in Hythe today!

3 September
21 TODAY! 21 TODAY!
Got: Bass FX pedal, lead, adaptor, plectrums, computer bug from Dad/Kate/Leeps
Boot ornament thingy from Laura.
Ickle teddy and big badge from Nikki.
Reading tickets and Tool DVD (Salival) from Mum.
£5 from Chrissie and Malcolm.
£30 from Trudie and Steve.
Choccies, scratch card (no win, damnit), book from Chris and Heather.
£20 from Nan and Grandad D.
DVD player from all the Westbrooks!
Grass Boy, glass painting thingy and bracelet from Jeannie.
Knickers, a vibrator (!) and vouchers from Dave, Anna, T and Steve.
Everyone came round for pizza and we had champagne. Yay. :D

4 September
Got up late, which was annoying because I was gonna go round Dave’s to do music. Went to town instead and met Graham again! Met Anna and went to the Bosun’s Locker which was cool. T came over and joined us and we drink lots.

5 September
Went round Dave’s, after looking for my car information for ages. Damn insurance. Nearly on the road! Did some music at Dave’s, went home, talked to Steve on the phone, had tea, went to band practise. We’ve got a gig coming up already! Eeek.

6 September
I stayed in all day and sorted out all my CDs and listened to a load of ‘em. Went to town with T and Dave, and we went to the Strand and got wasted. We were gonna go to the Nexus but we met some people (Martin and Charlie) so we went to the Dinge instead! We got more drunken and we went and stayed the night at Cockney Dave’s. (T’s going out with him I thinks. Well something’s going on anyway. ^_^)

7 September
Went ice-skating with Tamsin, Anna, Dave, Lee, Kay, Amy and Kay’s friend. We hired a minibus, it was like my birthday trip type thing. Fun and games. :) Had a barbie in the evening, and Naina, Steve, and Cockney Dave joined us. Drunken fun and games. :) Everyone stayed over and today we sat in the sunshiney garden all day long. Everyone’s gone now, and I’m writing this and watching Dude, Where’s My Car?

5th May
Went to Bournemouth with Mum today, us 3 kids! I bought some jewellery and Cortizone’s album. Came home to Mum’s and we had a roast dinner. Yum. Went home, surfed net, got some CD cases off eBay. Dave and Anna came over and we watched TXF and Bill Hicks. Played some bass. Bank Holiday tomorrow!

6th May
DAY OFF! Me and Dave and Anna went down Hythe to the stupid fete thingy which was shite. It was all raining and we got wet, so we went to the café and had jacket spuds. Then we jumped on the ferry because there was nowt else to do. We just mucked around and went to Tombas and stuff. Went home again, and I went jogging. Then I went out with Dad and Kate and Nikki and Lee and we had a kebab by the sea in the car. Dave came round again.

7th May
Kung fu was cool, did all the usual stuff. Went home afterwards and watched my new DVDs. Nice.

8th May
Tonight I went running. Yay for me. Steve and Dave, DVDs.

9th May
Band practise was okay. Afterwards was boring. I did weights today. My legs are caned.

10th May
Didn’t go running; my legs kept giving way all day. Weird. DVDs, Dave, bass. Watched Murder in the First. Innit.

11 May
Today. :) Oh my God. My legs are killing me! Tool tomorrow! Woohoo! Tonight I went down Hythe and round Totton with Steve. I went to see Meesh and Dan after that. We had a nice chat. Then I went round Timur’s for a pizza and chill out. Lovely day.