http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Asexual
Jan. 2nd, 2010 02:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gemsybobsy"Facebook/wherever says you're a man."
"I'm as male as I am female, which is to say not very."
"Hahaha, of course you're female, you're blatantly a female."
"...Well, I'm not inside, that's the point."
No more talk of androgyny please, I'm confused.
People just can't take the hint. I mention this sort of thing as casually as I can, in real life, online, with everybody. The number of times I've been told to to shut up, that I'm talking bollocks - "Of course you're not asexual, you're just scared of sex 'cause your parents split up, of course you're not genderless, you're a woman, you're all woman, a beautiful, curvaceous woman with fantastic breasts" (weeell, that may've been exaggerated slightly) - but accusing me of putting myself down, that I'm just a bit worried about being with somebody, I just need to get over myself and enjoy life, I'm always being so down on myself. Thing is though mate, I'm not. I'm cheerfully and casually telling you the truth about my life, because I want to change this perception people have that asexuals are obviously unhappy, repressed, miserable beings with no pleasures to delight in, or to speak of; and that because I can't force myself into playing the role I was supposedly born to play - even though I have tried and tried again - I must hate myself. I must be so unhappy. If they were gender-less (NB: not -free) and asexual, they would be unhappy. So, to cheer me up, they tell me what they think I want to hear. That it's all imaginary. Brilliant! They mean so well, but they get it so, so wrong. They're telling me that who I am is wrong and incomprehensible.
I suffer from depression as it goes, and confusion about my sexuality and my place in life is a big part of that. People dismissing the things I am sure about makes me feel worse. It reinforces the confusion and makes me want to change, which is what makes me miserable. I can't change. This is the way I am. I can't accept being a woman, a sexual woman or a girlfriend if it all feels wrong. It's not something new. It's always felt wrong. 'Getting over it' wouldn't make me happy. Being who I am makes me happy. I don't know what else I can do (short of radical surgery/brain transplant/telepathy/leaving this entry public) to make people listen to me. It's so difficult, trying to tell people how I feel but at the same time, not make it a big deal. Because it isn't a big deal. I don't feel female and I don't experience sexual attraction. That's it. It sounds confusing, but it's really not. I'm not saying I want my own pronouns or anything like that, consider me female, call me 'Woman' (Anna does, haha), call me 'her', call me Stay-ceeee... whatever, I don't mind, it's not a big deal. But laughing and telling me I'm being silly for describing myself how I chose to describe myself - well, it hurts. I'm me and if you're going to love me I want you to love me for who I am, not despite of my depression/repression/confusion, or for what I am underneath it. I don't know. Just listen to me, and stop telling me what you think I want to hear.
I dunno what else to tell ya.
(Cross-posted to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
asexuality, sorry if you got it twice!)
"I'm as male as I am female, which is to say not very."
"Hahaha, of course you're female, you're blatantly a female."
"...Well, I'm not inside, that's the point."
No more talk of androgyny please, I'm confused.
People just can't take the hint. I mention this sort of thing as casually as I can, in real life, online, with everybody. The number of times I've been told to to shut up, that I'm talking bollocks - "Of course you're not asexual, you're just scared of sex 'cause your parents split up, of course you're not genderless, you're a woman, you're all woman, a beautiful, curvaceous woman with fantastic breasts" (weeell, that may've been exaggerated slightly) - but accusing me of putting myself down, that I'm just a bit worried about being with somebody, I just need to get over myself and enjoy life, I'm always being so down on myself. Thing is though mate, I'm not. I'm cheerfully and casually telling you the truth about my life, because I want to change this perception people have that asexuals are obviously unhappy, repressed, miserable beings with no pleasures to delight in, or to speak of; and that because I can't force myself into playing the role I was supposedly born to play - even though I have tried and tried again - I must hate myself. I must be so unhappy. If they were gender-less (NB: not -free) and asexual, they would be unhappy. So, to cheer me up, they tell me what they think I want to hear. That it's all imaginary. Brilliant! They mean so well, but they get it so, so wrong. They're telling me that who I am is wrong and incomprehensible.
I suffer from depression as it goes, and confusion about my sexuality and my place in life is a big part of that. People dismissing the things I am sure about makes me feel worse. It reinforces the confusion and makes me want to change, which is what makes me miserable. I can't change. This is the way I am. I can't accept being a woman, a sexual woman or a girlfriend if it all feels wrong. It's not something new. It's always felt wrong. 'Getting over it' wouldn't make me happy. Being who I am makes me happy. I don't know what else I can do (short of radical surgery/brain transplant/telepathy/leaving this entry public) to make people listen to me. It's so difficult, trying to tell people how I feel but at the same time, not make it a big deal. Because it isn't a big deal. I don't feel female and I don't experience sexual attraction. That's it. It sounds confusing, but it's really not. I'm not saying I want my own pronouns or anything like that, consider me female, call me 'Woman' (Anna does, haha), call me 'her', call me Stay-ceeee... whatever, I don't mind, it's not a big deal. But laughing and telling me I'm being silly for describing myself how I chose to describe myself - well, it hurts. I'm me and if you're going to love me I want you to love me for who I am, not despite of my depression/repression/confusion, or for what I am underneath it. I don't know. Just listen to me, and stop telling me what you think I want to hear.
I dunno what else to tell ya.
(Cross-posted to
asexuality, sorry if you got it twice!)
