Mutual dependency.
Sep. 25th, 2010 02:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gemsybobsyI have had a disdainful view of love and relationships all my life. I've always hated that fact about me, and I hide it, normally. I don't like being a sourpuss. In my teens I just thought it would all make sense one day, and I dived in and kissed boys anyway, always disliking it, hoping some light would switch on. 'Of course I want a boyfriend, of course I care if boys do or don't think I'm a catch, of course I think that guy's good looking, of course he's a good kisser (bleurgh), of course.' I hoped that I’d grow up and stop being so oblivious to the reasons why people did this stuff. As much as I try and convince everybody I'm happy to be asexual, it is only over the past five years that I’ve accepted it myself, and it’s so impossible to be settled in your own mind when society is constantly telling you (directly or otherwise) that you really should have someone else there to share things with. Despite the fact that it's the norm, everybody does it and it's natural - and I don’t know why - I've always had this notion that the human need to be in an exclusive partnership as quite a weak thing. I find it weird and creepy. Possessiveness, competitiveness, envy. The need to BE possessed, competed for, envied. MY partner. MY husband. MY girlfriend. I realise that humans are weak and insecure by nature and that we need other people to be weak and insecure with. I am these things myself and I know it's not a bad thing. But still, it's something I feel and I can't help it: exclusive sexual relationships are weird.
I know great people, full of so much energy and brains and so many free and wonderful thoughts that I sometimes worry that if they had any more wonderful they might overload and disintegrate into puddles of pure awesome. They have so much to say; so much to offer the world. I can look at them (I don’t, generally, but I could) and think, 'Yes, I can see why people would want to know you. I am very happy to know you. I can see why people would want to have sex with you. But I don’t.' It's always been enough for me just to know them and to have them in my life. I found some song lyrics I wrote when I was in my late teens. I'd written them as a sort of tongue-in-cheek-overly-over-the-top commentary on how people always seem to be fine on their own and function like normal organisms until they fall in love. Then they suddenly turn into a pair of mutually-dependant symbiotic creatures with no sense of self at all. Blissfully unaware, discreetly unsure. Forever needless before. Now I'm ravaged and humbled, disgraced and open to you. Being one, anxiety is halved and I'm indebted to you. One as Two.
When I wrote the song I initially thought that the idea of being ‘ravaged' and ‘disgraced’ by love was a bit too strong. I left it in just because it was a metal song and I wanted it to sound like Tool. Years later, however, when a great person told me that the fact I didn't like sex much didn’t matter to him (and we therefore tried to have a Proper Relationship)... it was a bit humbling. The love part itself was easy! It was the 'being a partner' stuff that was the problem. It took everything out of me. It made me feel like I was on stage, all the time. It didn't come naturally to me. I felt like I was always proving myself; acting everything out for him. I felt that I wasn’t really myself, but I never acted as in pretending... I mean acting as in showing. I lost my sense of self, put all my attention into the relationship, and when he wasn’t there I put my energy into the internet, into the band I was listening to a lot at the time and just… switched off my brain.
Before this, I might've guessed that I'd based all my disdain for relationships on my friend who practically lived just for having a boyfriend; it was all she thought about, and nothing else mattered to her. But now I’d been on both sides… I wasn’t unhappy, I must stress that. He really was a great person, and we had some fantastic times. I just put so much into trying to be this half of one being that I forgot myself, and in the end that wasn’t good for me. I was hung up on the label - I didn’t want to be somebody’s girlfriend. Now I feel that maybe couples get so symbiotic because they’ve forgotten themselves completely? I don't know, but I feel like it might've got that far if we hadn't separated. I lost the great person in the end because, while he didn't yet seem to want to be in a state of symbiosis with me, he did want me to constantly show the world that we had some kind of unique connection. Knowing me and knowing the connection was there just wasn’t enough. It took me the best part of a year to realise that I couldn't fight it any more, I didn’t really want to be connected to anyone at all, even someone who is at risk of overloading and disintegrating into a puddle of pure awesome. I was just doing it because my own brain was telling me that being in a Proper Relationships was a good thing, because that's what we have to do to be normal.
It's weird, fighting with your own brain. I should probably do my proper essay now.
I know great people, full of so much energy and brains and so many free and wonderful thoughts that I sometimes worry that if they had any more wonderful they might overload and disintegrate into puddles of pure awesome. They have so much to say; so much to offer the world. I can look at them (I don’t, generally, but I could) and think, 'Yes, I can see why people would want to know you. I am very happy to know you. I can see why people would want to have sex with you. But I don’t.' It's always been enough for me just to know them and to have them in my life. I found some song lyrics I wrote when I was in my late teens. I'd written them as a sort of tongue-in-cheek-overly-over-the-top commentary on how people always seem to be fine on their own and function like normal organisms until they fall in love. Then they suddenly turn into a pair of mutually-dependant symbiotic creatures with no sense of self at all. Blissfully unaware, discreetly unsure. Forever needless before. Now I'm ravaged and humbled, disgraced and open to you. Being one, anxiety is halved and I'm indebted to you. One as Two.
When I wrote the song I initially thought that the idea of being ‘ravaged' and ‘disgraced’ by love was a bit too strong. I left it in just because it was a metal song and I wanted it to sound like Tool. Years later, however, when a great person told me that the fact I didn't like sex much didn’t matter to him (and we therefore tried to have a Proper Relationship)... it was a bit humbling. The love part itself was easy! It was the 'being a partner' stuff that was the problem. It took everything out of me. It made me feel like I was on stage, all the time. It didn't come naturally to me. I felt like I was always proving myself; acting everything out for him. I felt that I wasn’t really myself, but I never acted as in pretending... I mean acting as in showing. I lost my sense of self, put all my attention into the relationship, and when he wasn’t there I put my energy into the internet, into the band I was listening to a lot at the time and just… switched off my brain.
Before this, I might've guessed that I'd based all my disdain for relationships on my friend who practically lived just for having a boyfriend; it was all she thought about, and nothing else mattered to her. But now I’d been on both sides… I wasn’t unhappy, I must stress that. He really was a great person, and we had some fantastic times. I just put so much into trying to be this half of one being that I forgot myself, and in the end that wasn’t good for me. I was hung up on the label - I didn’t want to be somebody’s girlfriend. Now I feel that maybe couples get so symbiotic because they’ve forgotten themselves completely? I don't know, but I feel like it might've got that far if we hadn't separated. I lost the great person in the end because, while he didn't yet seem to want to be in a state of symbiosis with me, he did want me to constantly show the world that we had some kind of unique connection. Knowing me and knowing the connection was there just wasn’t enough. It took me the best part of a year to realise that I couldn't fight it any more, I didn’t really want to be connected to anyone at all, even someone who is at risk of overloading and disintegrating into a puddle of pure awesome. I was just doing it because my own brain was telling me that being in a Proper Relationships was a good thing, because that's what we have to do to be normal.
It's weird, fighting with your own brain. I should probably do my proper essay now.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-09-25 07:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-25 06:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-25 08:19 am (UTC)Two can be as bad as one/
It's the loneliest number since the number one"
See, I don't think people need to be dependent on one person or partner, however people do need other people to love, like family and friends, they are important.
But I've never thought you'd lack family and friends, I've always seen you living quite happily and independently.
It must be hard to be yourself when so many people tell you it shouldn't be like this or you'll change eventually, but they should realise that romantic relationships are really only worth it if you are truly happy in it, otherwise you'll make yourself miserable.
You're awesome, Gemsy, and it's good the more you accept yourself, I just hope other people see it too that we're not all the same and we're not supposed to be.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-25 06:28 pm (UTC)Thanks so much Aino, I really appreciate your support. You're a rare one. x
no subject
Date: 2010-09-25 09:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-25 06:37 pm (UTC)I don't mind when people don't understand how I roll and ask me questions, and I'm sure you're the same. If I were you I'd think someone asking, 'How do you cope with that distance?!' would be okay, but, 'You're not really a real couple though. Unless you live within 20 miles of each other' isn't? It is annoying when people state facts like that. 'You ARE all woman, Gemmer. Don't talk shite.' They actually try and tell us what we are, what we're feeling and what we should do. They tell you, 'That's not right', when what they mean is, 'I would not like that personally.' It's all about the bold statements innit, with people. Or just stating their own perspective as fact maybe. Like when I say, 'It is cold' instead of 'I am cold' and everybody disagrees. :D
no subject
Date: 2010-09-28 09:12 am (UTC)I shied away from getting back into a relationship because I didn't want to lose who I was again. I was married for 11 years and I'd been with him for a total of 13 years. When I came out of it, I had no idea who I was.
When asked why I got married in the first place I realised I'd done it because it was expected of me. I was expected to become someone else's girlfriend/fiancee then wife. Someone ELSE'S!
Even today, people still refer to people as someone's girlfriend or boyfriend, like we're not real unless we belong to someone.
I'm not totally against being someone's girlfriend, as you know, I'm with Marcus but he lives miles away and I know I couldn't live with him, even though he's the perfect yin to my yang.
I told him from day one, I'll never marry again. Wedding rings are one step up from the ring you put on a bird's leg and there's no way this bird is gonna be anyones little homing pigeon, and yeah, we get the usual "When are you two getting married?" question, like it's a fucking rule that when you've been with someone more than 5 minutes you're meant to tie yourself to them like a ball and chain. 'Fuck off!' is what I'm thinking but "It ain't broke so don't fix it!" is what I always say to them.
People don't get it, they're like "Oh but you should move in together!"
Why should we, who says, who made these rules? Get bent!
If you're happy with how you are, other people seem to think they know better. Well they can cock off and ride their own bike!
Love you Gemsy, you're the biggest collection of awesome ever. (((hugs)))
Lol@Puddle
no subject
Date: 2010-10-02 12:19 pm (UTC)BUT YOU KNOW. I don't like talking about this 'cause I feel like it offends people. To everybody, love & relationships are the most important thing. It's annoying and inconvenient at best, that I don't get it.
LOVE YOU. *drowns you in puddles of cuddles*
no subject
Date: 2010-10-02 11:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-02 11:41 pm (UTC)