Tails from the Bark Side

"One of the things we most hear about dogs is that dominance is extremely important in arranging their groups. The story goes that their interactions are all about gaining and maintaining status. The dog with the higher rank dominates the dog with the lower rank, who submits. Dogs are always trying to climb up the ladder because they know higher ranks bring bigger advantages in life. [...] The whole idea is utter nonsense.

So where did this idea of a strict dominance hierarchy among animals come from? The dominance hierarchy is an anthropomorphism that has its roots in a very specific time and place in our history. It is also one of the most tragic things for animals that "science" has ever produced, because the idea of a dominance hierarchy is used to justify all kinds of strange and cruel practises towards dogs. It is the justification for seeing rebellion in everything a dog does, and for cruelly crushing that rebellion. It's okay to beat him, kick him, shock him, strangle him, because all of this will teach him his rank. Then once he knows his rank, he will automatically obey and do everything we want him to do. The cruelty this idea has generated will no longer surprise you once you have absorbed the following: the idea of a strict dominance hierarchy among dogs was introduced into science by a Nazi."
I KNEW IT!!!


From: The 100 Silliest Things People Say About Dogs by Alexandra Semyonova

I'm moving again! I've found a flat; moving on the 30th September. Quite excited, but lots to do, especially as I've agreed to do a lot of dogsitting over the next couple of months... ARGH. And I'm probably going to be SO EMO nearer the time because I will miss my beautiful Salisbury house sooo muuuch...

So I will be spending all my weekends up till then sorting through things and getting rid of shite. So many clothes, DVDs and stuff that I just don't need! It all has to go. But, I have a bunch of CDs that I want to keep. When I moved in here I put them all in my landlady's glass-fronted cabinet and I've hardly touched them since they've been in there. I don't want to display them in the new place, really, as I'm going to have enough stuff around with all my books and fish tank and plants and blah... But I don't want a 'special cabinet' for them either. And I can't bring myself to get rid of them (yet). I also don't want to just shove them in the loft/under the bed! What I would've REALLY liked to have done is have a really high wall shelf right round the very top of the room, going all the way around, but it's a bit difficult to do weird shit like that when you're renting. And then I thought, oooh! I'm going to have to get loads of boxes to transport them all in anyway, so why don't I just get some flight cases to store them in indefinitely? Then if I felt like displaying them in the new flat I could just casually flip the lid open and leave them casually strewn around... not that I would; I don't often play the things now I've digitised them all.

Then I found that a typical CD flight case only holds 120 discs. I guessed (quite accurately, as it turned out) that I have around 400 CDs. I actually have 382 as well as a bunch of Depeche Mode ones Dave has yoinked. So ideally I would need 2 x 200 capacity cases, which I then found, but they would've cost me the best part of £200! Ummm, nope. Aaand I wasn't all that keen on the idea after looking at them; big chunky silvery beasts - I thought it might seem like the boxes were always waiting to go somewhere, if you know what I mean. I needed something that looked like it always belonged in the room. Something decorative? So then I had a brainwave, jumped on eBay, and got these:



VINTAGE CASES! Went and picked them up today! They are so sturdy and strong, thank doG. I've spent the evening putting all my CDs in them.



Chaos in progress (dog is like WTF)...



Sorted. Just gonna get some luggage tags to finish the look! Just hope they fit/look nice in the new place!

(Would also like to journal moar.)

I started writing this at the beginning of last week because I thought getting back into writing my journal would help a bit. Hmmm, we'll see! I am having a tough time mentally. DO NOT WANT! I have had depression and anxiety problems on and off since I was 17; it's something I can live and deal with and I've always stayed as positive as I can about it. I know when it's going to kick off and I take a break, see my doctor and look after myself. I have been taking antidepressants on and off all those years; the last type I had for 7 years continuously, and I am now at a point where I am a bit more emotionally settled so I have been gradually coming off them. My own decision, and made with my doctor's advice. So, yay me! It's all positive!!! This is a massive step though because, biologically, my brain has been relying on the pills for YEARS so it's going to screw up my brain chemistry for a while and make me feel like shite. And that 'shite' is a bit like depression itself and I'm scared it's going to come back.

It's always bugged me that you can publicly complain about headaches and earaches and norovirus and even poo problems and menstrual cramps, but if you mention a feeling brought on by a mental illness you're just 'being miserable' or 'feeling a bit down'... or, generally, you get the feeling that it's a taboo subject and something you should keep to yourself. And of course, it is an illness, not just me having a 'touch of the blues' or 'being down about myself'. I joke about 'being a bit emo today' because it's funny to me (i.e. a massive understatement) and I do like to make light of everything because, really, life is fucking hilarious. But this depression thing is NOT just me being 'sad about stuff' or even being 'sad for no reason'. It is actually my brain being an actual, physical twat, and conjuring up thoughts that really aren't part of my character, and if I dwell on them it makes me cry and panic, and that is what makes me sad. And everyone KNOWS that I would prefer to laugh and have fun. We all do. 'Depressed' is an emotion that everyone feels from time to time. 'Depression' is an illness that I just happen to have.

It's NOT my personality type.

I'm ridiculously silly, I laugh at everything including myself, I'm overly self-conscious at times and I'm sociable but introverted to the point of possibly having 'secret schizoid' tendencies. I'm NOT a miserable, negative or completely insular person. So when I talk about something I'm feeling, I'm usually worried about what my brain is doing and I'm turning to my friends. I would never go into detail about the thoughts themselves, because ew, but... yeah. I'm seeking attention, but not in that LOOK AT ME! sort of way. It's more like, 'O guise, plz halp, my brain's being a bellend.'

I have always hated people who use their illnesses/life situations as an excuse to be a c*nt. Having depression doesn't give me 'points' that I can use to claim I'm sadder and worse-off than everyone else. Equally, non-depression-suffering people don't get more points than me because they can cope with daily life better than me. I'm sick of feeling guilty because I'm moaning on Facebook about being ugly while some bloke on the telly can smile after a freak meteor wiped out his entire life. 'You should think yourself lucky,' my loved ones will say. That is not how it works. Depression makes you have horrible thoughts and it makes you emotionally unsteady. Too emotional, or too detached. One day I can laugh at my car being written off, the next day I can have a panic attack because I splodged my mascara. There aren't any winners.

Which brings me to this. You can't 'inspire' somebody with depression to think about other people who have similar and/or worse lives than us in the hope that it will help us to 'get over ourselves'. IT WILL NEVER HELP. When the hell did a dollop of guilt ever help anyone?! We all KNOW that there's no reason for us to be emotionally buggered up. It defies logic. I don't know how to explain my brain. So if I'm visibly tired, sad or deflated and people ask what's up, I can only keep to sociable conversation and relate my emo-ness to 'daily struggles', and therefore come out with 'light-hearted' things like, 'Oh, my brain says I fail at life so I'm crying because I couldn't brush my fringe straight, and I have to go to work and I have no money, and I hate all the things.' Then in return I get things like:

'But nobody likes going to work. But we all have to do it!' (brilliant)

'Oh, but we all feel like that from time to time. I felt sad all day yesterday for instance but I got over it.' (well done)

'It could be worse; look on the bright side.' (ooh I'd never thought of that but I will start doing so as of... now)

'At least you've got a roof over your head, eh? The western world, eh? Kids today, eh? Have everything on a plate and they still whinge' (... helpful)

'Doesn't it make you feel lucky that you're not in the middle of that warzone/you're not that child with cancer/that man who's lost his wife/have all your limbs/are not dead?' (oh, thank you. Thank you so damn much for now i have seen the light and the error of my ways, I will tell my brain to only produce rays of sunshine from now on)

DON'T YOU SEE
NO
NO NO NOPE
NO IT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL LUCKY
IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD
SO STOP SAYING IT

just clearing that up

I'm going to try and post in here at least twice a week from now on! I've kept this diary since I was 11, and I love reading back and remembering the silly things that happened to me. I don't know why I stopped really. Busy, definitely. Maybe it's because I'm working all the time and think people don't want to read about hoovering and dogs. And I seem to put all my silly comments on Facebook these days instead of here. I can't see myself looking back nostalgically through Facebook when I'm fifty though, so I need to stop it. I'll try and save up those little thoughts and put them in here instead of spamming the hell out of the more instantly-available social networks. I miss that Twitter feed I used to have on here! I think it broke. :(

Anyway, WHAT'S BEEN ON THEN mush? Well, January sucked, as Januarys are wont to do. I lost my voice over Christmas and I seem to have an ongoing throat problem, similar to the thing I had back in 2008 when I got the camera down my nose... vocal fatigue, chronic laryngitis... not really sure. Not allowed to sing at all until our next gig in March, which is really, really hard. I didn't realise how much I normally sing until I couldn't do it anymore!

Still trying to lose weight. Shenanigans. Basically, what it is - I had those chronic migraines that started a year ago, and have been taking pizotifen, a drug that is known for causing weight gain. It really did bloody well cause weight gain. But y'know, I thought as long as the migraines are gone, I'll worry about the weight later. So I didn't keep too much of an eye on what I was eating, and as a result I have put on 20lbs over the last year, which is SO annoying because 20lbs ago I wanted to lose 20lbs. Argh. So now I have to lose 40lbs. So far 10 of them have been obliterated, as I've been back on the low carb/no sugar diet since Christmas, which isn't bad, but I seem to have hit a plateau. Annoying. But I feel so much better; loads of energy, less achey joints etc, no migraine, no IBS! I could see another ab this morning too, so I know they're in there somewhere!

I have now stopped taking the pills because they forgot to give me some in my last prescription renewal and I couldn't be arsed to go and ask for more. Been off them just over a week now (I was only on a ridiculously low dose anyway tbh; 0.5mg a day) and haven't had any migrainey feels... apart from one twinge of pain that lasted about 3 seconds, like, the DAY I stopped taking them, so that could've just been a... thing. So yeah, fingers crossed. I think most of the cure was me keeping my neck and shoulders relaxed though. I didn't realise how tense I was until I had physio last March, and I wonder if doing the daily stretches and massages is what has stopped the migraines. Now... maybe I might be able to come off the anti-depressants?! That'd be pretty awesome.

Everything else is coooool... one day I'm going to write a diary of our gigs, because we have some flipping epic adventures but for some reason writing about them seems like a chore right now... but I will do it! It's weird, I'll come in here and moan about my health and boring things like my weight problems but the really good things I do in my life just get left out! I never did write properly about America last year, or Berlin, or Leipzig, or my sister's 30th birthday meal last week which was delicious and hilarious. Maybe it's because I know I'll remember those occasions so don't feel the need to write about them. Hehe.

My next door neighbours keep shagging. STOP IT.

What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?
I honestly felt like a poor maid, young and inexperienced, sent away to serve a rich Victorian family, rather than a grown-up, modern woman with her own house, dog, business and semi-successful synthpop combo, had a CT scan, had an MRI scan, helped run a dancing show, went to Leipzig, got badly bitten by my own damn dogs, delivered a puppy, got some tropical fish, went to a Vegas theme party, a comic book heroes party and a posh English street party.

Was 2012 a good year for you?
Noap. Sucked.

( Read more... )
And of course, my tedious gig list is here, as always, or on LastFM.
And my BOOKS & TELLY & FILMS are here, and I now am on GoodReads, but I'm not that into it yet so it's not perfick or owt.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This morning I opened my post and found a cheque for £2250. YAY! It is my compensation for this almost-year of health-beef since that accident in my previous Hundwagen. Brilliant. MONEY! It is all mine! I have it on a piece of paper but tomorrow it will be on its way to becoming REAL MONEY and then it will all be spent. Straight away.

£95.59 will go towards the stupid rent this month as, per usual, I am short.
£150 will go to my Very account (paying for hoover).
£100 will go to friend (owed).
£350 or so on STUPID NATIONAL INSURANCE.
£30.99 on tax.
£400 or so on STUPID OVERDUE COUNCIL TAX.

Which leaves £1223.42 for the lovely people at Barclaycard.

Tits.

HEART BREAK'S YO' BEST FRIEND

Just put my make-up on and cried it all off again. Fuuu-.

I am really struggling with money. This is nothing new (been living here for a year now and it's still great, I still really look forward to getting home even if I can never park, then have to walk half a mile from my car to my house, and it's freezing and drafty, and costing me more money than I can scrape together each month...) but it's getting a bit much. My rent 'n' bills are far too much money, and I have now gone over the limit on my credit card, because I keep doing stupid things like crashing my car and losing my keys and having health problems that require stupid expensive prescriptions and breaking my glasses and like, eating.

I can't think what to do to save/get more money apart from find another job, in the evenings or something, but then I already work my arse off, and then I think why spend so much money on a house if I'm never in it? I've had a look for places that are looking for housemates, and there are a couple that don't mind dogs. But I need a deposit. And I can't save one. And I'm earning too much to get a decent benefit. There's just nothing else I can do and I'm so confused and am thinking about it all the damn time. It's stressing me out.

Take a lettuce leaf (Little Gems are the best for crunchiness and they have the best name), insert a slice of Red Leicester, a little bit of chorizo/ham/anything else 'bitey', a dollop of mayo, then another lettuce leaf on top. DELICIOUS. LIKE A REALLY GOOD DELI SANDWICH.

It's going well, this diet. I've been so energetic all day. Not sure if that's because of the lack of sugar or because I've ran out of pizotifen (AKA the fat & tired pills)? I was expecting a migraine today because this is my third day without them. I have a little tiny pain on one side of my head, but again, that could be the sugar withdrawal. I'm going to get them tomorrow anyway. I'd rather be fat & tired than go back to that state of chronic migraine I was in before. Awful.

So, (mostly) sugar-free for four days now. Well, I sort of started on Sunday but ended up finishing a packet of marzipan I found in my baking tin. THEN last night, I had another naughty slip-up and ate about eight glacé cherries that I found in another cupboard, haha. I don't think I've shifted any weight yet; I weighed myself on my customer's scales but I think I'll stick to the Boots ones so it'll be more consistent.

I felt so JIGGLY at ballet tonight. :(. Stupid fat. Get off me.

Grrr, I keep watching ballet videos on YouTube and I want to get fit again and get my figure back. I've put on so many pounds of doom. :(

I love this scene.



I've actually just got back from Woolacombe where I went with Dad & Kate and Leeps for a couple of nights. Dad and Leeps went surfing and it was freezing and raining but I got my toes out and ran barefoot on the sand for ages with the dogs. It was lovely. It's amazing how much more stamina I have being active when I'm somewhere pretty, as opposed to being in the street or the local park, where it always feels like such a chore. We did quite a bit of walking, around Ilfracombe and Glastonbury, but the two chip-based meals I had and the fudge and scones and CIDER probably didn't help with the fitness quest.

The end.