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gemsybobsyRe: Things looking up.
Went to the doc's again today, had US scan of biliary tree two weeks ago and was all clear. Pain's been fine since then. Joked about how it must've all been in my head. Doc told me off. Got me thinking about my mentals, and how I really should work on sorting this out. Realised how frankly I was talking about my headbeef in conversation elsewhere and not in my own diary, what is with that? So I dun copypasta. It is... ridiculous. It's stream-of-consciousness-ish, this is a couple of months' worth of posts but I just put them altogetherwhateverforever. Sorry. If you'd rather I put this crap under a filter in future, please speak up, dear flist. <3
I wish I had a brain that would STFU.
I just can't switch off. So ANNOYING. I never get to sleep each night until I'm completely physically PWNED, then I'm awake every 3-4 hours, tossing and turning and having completely BENDY dreams. It's not like I'm even thinking of anything in particular, it's just stuff. STUFF STUFF. Like, I'm thinking of my shopping list in my sleep and wake myself up giving myself mental notes. Boring stuff. It's ridiculous.
Yar this and my physical symptoms are pretty much constant and normal, but sometimes it just builds up a little bit too much and then it completely bends up my brain and then bad times happen so I need to stoppit. Nippit in the bud. So for the last... ages, I've been staying in a lot, hiding from this society thing people keep on about, staying in mah bubble and indulging my personal pleasures as it were... , but I'm still like FLEAAARGH. Meditation, or something, is what I need to do. I really do not want to go back into another period of downery, thanks. My doctor keeps throwing relaxy tablets at me but none of them do fuckity all. It seems to just be the way I am. I don't feel particularly unhappy, or anything. Just a bit too... restless. I'll occasionally feel the other extreme though... like, nothing seems worth doing, but I feel like I should make an effort, but I can't make the effort, and I get frustrated because I can't make the effort...
LMAO iTunes just belted my lugs with some pretty hardcore d&b and my brain went WOAHYEAH. I clearly need some more phat beats in my life.
Punch a pillow. IN THE NECK.
Sometimes this all makes me feel angry because it feels like people are indeed revelling in the misery of depression. I even get the feeling that people are competing sometimes. For the most part I like to try and get on with life and not talk too much about my problems, so sometimes this thread makes me feel awful. It's like you guys are confirming depression as something that people just have to deal with, and I don't like that. It's shit, depression, and it shouldn't take up this much of our time. :p And that makes me angry, so when I feel like that I just don't come in.
Sometimes, though, when shit does hit the fan, it does help to come in here and talk about it. When you can't tell RL people about your hell it can help to talk about it with other people who are there too, is all. As for reading up, I read about everything, it's my nature to gather ze facts. Doesn't mean I'm going to diagnose myself or anything. I read and learnt about blown head gaskets yesterday; I'm not going to stop taking my car to the garage.
I didn't really mean deal with... I meant more like, sometimes people just accept it, it's something we have to put up with. Like, people often seem resigned to it. 'Oh so today I felt like this, but that's normal, so y'know.' I just wish more people would shout in its damn face. Depression should be fought like a mofo, rather than just accepted. But yeah, this is only a feeling I get sometimes when I talk to people, not saying everyone's milking it and demanding attention or anything, not at all... that and the chuckly face indicates that I was being facetious... of course I know that saying 'it takes up too much of our time' is a paradox because depression is all-consuming... Sorry. I'm always saying the wrong things at the moment. I had an argument with Action Dan in the pub the other night. That has never happened before.
I hate it when people think of reasons for my depression. Like my family, I know they're there going, 'Oh it's 'cause she thinks too much, it's 'cause she's self-conscious, it's 'cause of her eye, she's lonely and won't go and get a boyfriend 'cause she's too self-conscious and it's 'cause of her eye.'
No, I'm all of those things because I have a miserable-ass personality and always have done. Even when I was confident and bossing the other kids around on the playground and making them play the stupid games I made up, I was still the same losery overthinking person. 'Tis just me, innit. I guess I'm resigned to it. Or something.
I want some attention. I want someone to look after me. Just a little bit. But without me having to give them REASONS why I'm like this. Last time I got ridiculously intoxicated with David he asked me, 'Why do you cry all the time?' There's only one answer isn't there? I'm fucking depressed. People always want reasons beyond that, and I can't even.
This may sound blasé but have any of you tried dancing? It really is amazing. It shuts my brain clean up.
What bugs me about depression is that you can never say. Like today I was at my sister's and me dad was there and my nan, 2 nieces, bro-in-law... And I found myself crying, so I grabbed my coat and scarf and sniffed it all away and flicked my scarf and fabulous'd my way out of the flat, mumbling something about having 'such a headache today...'
Why is it that you can announce if you have a headache or are tired or even period pains but you can't come out and say, 'I feel like shit, my mind won't shut up and my heart feels like a cold dead stone.'
What do I do? There's no point talking any?more. They've all heard it for 20 years theyre bored of it. I just want it to fuck off.
pessimism is stupid and boring and lame, what's the point in it.
I don't think I'm either though, really. I'm optimistic about my life, but I'm pessimistic about people... maybe.
It does get better when people GROW THE FUCK UP. I got a lot of grief at school and most of it I can laugh at now (like with my old school friend Sam, we fell out so many times when we was kids and said the harshest things to each other but we were laughing about it tonight on Facebook haha) but some people... ugh I'd never even look at them after how they made me feel. Bastards.
I'm just like this. I have loads of friends who have struggled with proper clinical depression, but for a reason, like death, social problems, drugs... but they're not depressive people, if you see what I mean. Like A, I know her so well and she goes through terrible periods where she can't see the point in anything. But she's not... emo? She's got reasons, I'm just emo. Haha. I'm being facetious again. I dunno, it's hard to explain. It's just a thought. It makes me feel incredibly guilty anyway because I've never been through anything that's caused me to be like this, it's just the way I am so I deserve no sympathy.
Yeah that's another thing, when you're a kid and people just assume it's because you're having social problems or something. I used to think if I was a truly happy person, none of that shit would bother me, you know?
I dunno. It's just that old feeling that there's like, an elephant sitting on my soul. It's hard to explain that to people. 'Is it because you can't find a partner?' 'Is it because you live over there on your own?' No. It isn't. If it was really that, I'd get a damn partner, and I'd fucking move. I've never stayed doing anything because I feel like I should, or out of duty, or whatever. I do what I damn well like every single day of my life, in search of happiness. But still...
*shuts the blue fuck up*
That said, lifestyle changes (continuous ones are necessary in my case) have definitely helped. I mean, I can get out of bed now, which is something. Would be nice to be able to get back into it at a reasonable hour each night, mind.
I don't even. I feel so inadequate. In every way. And I can't shut up talking on the internet. I'm spamming everyone with sillybollocks and nobody's getting it. Haha. I might as well make a video of me crying GIVE ME SOME ATTENTIONNN for the amount of interest people take. RL friends/family that is, you guys around here are awesome.
Oh I sometimes think I'm the only person in the world who cares about my interests more than 'having a life'. I would much rather be reading an adventure in a book, because real life adventures are dullsville and/or depressing. It's always, 'Lol let's go to the pub and bitch about each other's other halves, and did you know so and so fancies so and so and so and so doesn't like so and so? Or we talk about politics, and society, and I just DON'T CARE. This is why my true friends are my true friends because we talk about THINGS. And we go on missions with dogs and things, and generally TALK PROPERLY.
AND HAHAHA YES about the Soft Cell songs and dictionaries... Everyone's bleating away about some boring crap to do with kids or boring day-to-day society or jobs or whatever and I'm sitting there thinking, 'Would I ever get bored inside the TARDIS?' or thinking about where I would hide if I was a criminal, and about how if I was homeless I would go out to the Forest and build a treehouse.
I love to party, don't get me wrong, but it has to feel right otherwise it just messes me up and I end up being a massive burden. People are bored of seeing me sketch out, so I'd rather just stay in out of everybody's way. David said to me after his stag night, 'You know I just realised, you didn't sketch out once while we were away.' Lol, reputation.
Ugh why do people always think there's a REASON argh argh argh.
I just told my nan I was back on sertraline and some other stuff stuff stuff and she was all, 'you shouldn't just accept these pills, get a second opinion, they shouldn't just label you like that, we all get down from time to time,' AREDNWOPQAUSIHNDOPWQIUDNWOIUBDNSFUUUU.
Ok my car analogy seems to be continuing, I am currently sitting in mine with Al in the back and I can't bring myself to go and clean these two houses. Literally can't do anything. The two houses have people in. Dont want to see people. My head hurts
If I had a pound for every night out that ended in me sketching out and breaking down in the bogs...
I have a srsly clenchy jaw. All my damn teeth ache. And I'm really drowsy. DO NOT LIKE. Yeah, new meds. Blows. Epilim (which I think is making me drowsy) and sertraline (clenchy jaw). Had sertraline before but it wasn't this bad then. Argh. Although the drowsiness could just be because of the flu jab I had and just the fact I am knackered.
And the fact that all I can face eating is carbs right now; I haven't even seen a vegetable for 2 weeks.
It does say it can make me drowsy. Argh idk. I'm so late again and I have 3 customers today and I keep messing them about and I feel so awful i keep saying 'I will hopefully make it tomorrow' and then I can't and I've got like a backlog of dirty houses I was meant to start this morning at like 10 at the latest to fit them all in of course I haven't told them the real reason either so it's all cars playing up and traffic and shit. Bad bad bad. I haven't stitched any dogs up though. I don't know what to do about these side effects, there's no way of doing anything about it until Monday and I'm supposed to be going to islington tomorrow and I just feel awful!
Without wishing to turn the conversation back on to me again (argh)... This is why I feel so guilty for having this. I mean I've had difficulties, but nothing extra difficult. But there is enough beauty in the world, just keep remembering that... I can. Luckily.
Hmm.
I can actually come up with quite an epic list of the NOT VERY GOOD things that've happened to me. A bit of bullying, deaths, losing pets, divorce, injuries, ill-advised relationships, dodgy nights out... But overall, my life has been awesome. YET? BRAINFAIL. My brain beef isn't caused by anything but my brain. I don't think. It's so hard to explain that to my family. I've had a great childhood, a fantastic 'twenties', and I'm all set up for a brilliant 'thirties'... but my first thought this morning when I looked at my phone and realised it was the 28th and it's about to be 2011? "I wonder if I'll die this year?" *awesomeface*
It's the thoughts like that that pop up as if they're nothing more than, "Should I have marmite or peanut butter on my toast?" That's what pisses me off the most. And there's no reason for it at all. I feel normal when I have thoughts like that. It's only when I think back on them later in context when I think 'shit ain't right'.
Like, it's just me being me, but I'm not right, so I take pills for that. I refused at first, when I was 17, but then I tried a few and found some that worked for me and I've been on and off them throughout the last decade. They do work for some people. We've always sort of tried not to talk too much about pills being good/bad overall in this thread though, because everyone's preferred treatment is going to be different and people saying they're ALL BAD can make it quite scary for people who are starting out on a mission to find the treatment that works for them...
Yeah I don't know if it usually is caused by something. I keep being told that it is. Everyone assumes I'm depressed and have no interest in relationships because my parents divorced when I was 15. Maybe it is because of that, but it's not to me, not consciously anyway. Other than that, ummm... I lost my uncle and my dad's friend, which both really affected me... but that's all. I went to a few therapy sessions for depression in about 2005, but I didn't like it. He said there's usually something that causes depression, and he wanted to do this technique where you go back and remember stuff that might've happened to you? Idk. I never found out because I missed the next appointment and got booted off the list, as it were.
But technically, I know I'm happy, in myself, my lifestyle, my friends... Society could use a bit of improving and I despair of humans all the time and want nothing to do with any of them but like I told my mum, I've been actively trying to make my life better for myself and I'm at a place where I'm completely happy with my life, but just still feel like I need to remind my brain! That's exactly how I feel. Guilt guilt guilt. My life ain't that bad, I should man up. Especially when my family feel the need to remind me of this every time the subject comes up.
'Think about those people in that earthquake, they don't have time to be depressed.'
They just don't know how it feels. Unless you've been depressed it's hard to understand, I guess. That's what she says, anyway. When I had that time off work in 2005 she wanted me to explain it to her. I said something like, 'It's not like just being upset about something and not being able to get over it. It's like your whole life's become a joke and you don't want it, but you don't not want it... you don't want to exist but you don't want to die either, so you're just in limbo and there's nothing you can do about it, you feel guilty all the time because there's people in the world who are suffering and I feel guilty because you brought me into the world and I'm like this and I know it's hard for you to see me like this... but it's an illness, not just an emotion, and I can't just turn it off.'
And then after this past couple of months when my doctor mentioned me possibly being slightly bipolary, I phoned my nan in tears and told her not to tell Mum 'cause she'd only worry, then I found out she'd rang her that same night saying, 'Oh no our Gem's got a medical condition, it's not just depression.' Depression is a goddamn medical goddamn condition, fuuuuuuu.
I'm sick of people thinking it just means you're a bit down in the dumps. Fuck. The guilt goes all the way from, 'Get over it. There's people stuck in earthquakes' right the way down to, 'But your life is alright innit? I wish I had all the free time you have.'
Wah crying now.
MAN UP.
People who don't know... just don't know. They think it's indulgence. I wish sometimes we could sit everyone down and explain how we fucking feel, in slow agonising detail. Day by day by day, and then make them put it in their pipes, and fucking smoke it, and then feel better, and then live with the fear of it coming back.
Yep, the cycle of fail that is depression.
I'm sad.
I feel guilty because I feel sad.
I feel sadder.
I self-harm.
I feel sad that I have self-harmed.
I want to self-harm moar.
AOEDHIO9ASHBNEDOIUQWDOIUAWEBFPISBVFPAONH.
It makes sense. Always angry with myself, or I'll be angry at somebody else and I'll justify it and turn it in my head so it's my fault, and then I'll be angry at them for making me angry at myself and yeah, just endless headbeefy bollockery.
Or this:
Nobody wants me there.
Nobody would give a fuck if I'm there or not.
Cry/meltdown/despair.
Everybody hates me because I cry/meltdown/despair and accuse them of not wanting me there.
So: nobody wants me there.
My brain consciously wants me to be mental. Lying here perfectly rational and awake and compos mentis as fuck. Yet my brain is going, 'You're nuts. You're absolutely fucked. You're totally shit.' I just want to go downstairs and eat the whole kitchen and then go and rag my car down the motorway. And scratch all the skin off my body argh!
I'm not going to though, I don't want to worry my boys. Argh I want my mum. H8 H8 H8. So many dogs are relying on me right now.
I don't want to Think anymore please.
I am always really open about the fact I attention seek. LOOK AT MEEEEEEE. I totally see what you're saying though. It's like when people accuse people with depression of sounding like 'attention seeking teenage girls', as if the pain that attention seeking teenage girls go through isn't 100% fucking awful.
Your last sentence just sunk in ("I kind of lost the ability to tell whether anything I think is real. I can't even tell in my own mind whether my own thoughts and feelings are sincere, or fabricated.") and I'm like SHIT right now. I was thinking exactly this, just this week. I lie in bed wide awake going all whirly and wanting it all to stop, so I'm thinking about fucking stuff up, going for a drive and crashing my car, scratching myself, going out into the street and screaming and lying down in the road and all sorts of mental stuff like that. Then my own brain's like, 'Shut the fuck up you absolute twat, you're only thinking shit like this because you want attention, you massive drama queen.'
Like, my own brain is arguing with me. Am I just attention seeking? I don't even know what this means. I told my nan this last night and she said I should tell the doctor. I can't talk about this shit with anybody because, well it makes me sound like a fucking headcase, but she makes me admit things, my nan. It's like, damnit woman. Oh HAI life, what are you doing on this page?
*hi5s all the mentals*
I couldn't get in to see my doctor this week for more tablets so as of tomorrow I am going cold turkey. Stupid expression, that. I know I shouldn't just suddenly stop taking them so I'm a bit worried. But he did say we'd talk about comin off them. Idk. Guess things can't get much more mental. It was only the mood stabiliser I was going to stop, I wouldn't stop the sertraline that suddenly. I dunno if it'd cause the same problems or what. I took the last one tonight & cba with going to docs, I am toooooooo busy & shit, fuckin wide awake again & fuuuu.
Slept till 8:45 and missed all the fackin doctors appointments again baaaalls.
Also I know what you mean about weight. Now I'm back to my healthy range i worry so much about the numbers. Over Xmas I put on some poundage and now I'm like RIGHT fuck you weight you are outta here.
I definitely have a compulsion to overeat. Which after a bit if research I found out is actually in the disordered eating.... category as it were. I never considered it like that, and just assumed I was a greedy gannet.
Well I should be asleep, goddamnit.
ASAAAARGH
Nobody's ever said anything but nice things about me. Well, I've had abuse because of my wonky eyes, but other than that. I value myself and think I'm awesome. Still a headcase. It's not something that's rational. Mmmhmmm... & it doesn't matter what other people say, it's all you... even though I think as you get older and get settled in yourself as it were, it gets easier to live with yourself. I mean, I used to be ridiculously self-conscious and socially anxious and just a whole ball of fail really, I used to go to meets and not say a word, etc... now I talk to everyone, but still there's those feelings of fail about yourself as it were as it were.
Also I don't seem to be able to feel any emotion at the moment. IT IS WEIRD.
No but Idk. Just keep reminding her of the good times. For example, I know that music and dancing is the one thing that makes life seem worth it, so if people get me to a great gig or make me dance, I'm onto a winner and I'll be buzzing and life will be great. So, yeah... just keep reminding her of something that's good, something she loves, and keep at it.
Waifey I want to hug you and I'm glad you're back <3
I've wanted to cry all day but haven't, I just feel numb. it's so weird. I lost my wallet and wanted to get angry but couldn't... And then tonight my A's dad died. What? I felt faint and shakey though and had to sit the fuck down. luckily I was in good company haha. There was lolz. then I got my arse HOME and hugged my A, and she was really pissed and merry... very odd. I think it's shock. I think things are going to kick off big time tomorrow.
I just can't stop thinking about death and losing all my loved ones.
I get called a freak about 54 times a day in my own damn home. Last night, 'You're the only one who isn't stoned. And you're still the weirdest.'
Haha I think you guys took me far too srs there. My housemate and I have epic banter, it's all fer lolz.
DAMN demons. Take 'em on.
I also came out of my shell as I got older. I'm introverted rather than shy though, I think. I'm a very silly person under the self-consciousness. Self-overawareness. IT'S GREAT. I has it.
Lol yah so oh my gosh, I have to keep up the sertraline but can stop the epilim which I kinda did anyway. Lolz. Didn't go any more nuts. I really feel like I want a brain transplant though. Beginning to loath myself again tbh. I worry though that if I got a new brain the donor wouldn't have loved Devin Townsend as much as me.
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TL;DR:
Went to the doc's again today, had US scan of biliary tree two weeks ago and was all clear. Pain's been fine since then. Joked about how it must've all been in my head. Doc told me off. Got me thinking about my mentals, and how I really should work on sorting this out. Realised how frankly I was talking about my headbeef in conversation elsewhere and not in my own diary, what is with that? So I dun copypasta. It is... ridiculous. It's stream-of-consciousness-ish, this is a couple of months' worth of posts but I just put them altogetherwhateverforever. Sorry. If you'd rather I put this crap under a filter in future, please speak up, dear flist. <3
I wish I had a brain that would STFU.
I just can't switch off. So ANNOYING. I never get to sleep each night until I'm completely physically PWNED, then I'm awake every 3-4 hours, tossing and turning and having completely BENDY dreams. It's not like I'm even thinking of anything in particular, it's just stuff. STUFF STUFF. Like, I'm thinking of my shopping list in my sleep and wake myself up giving myself mental notes. Boring stuff. It's ridiculous.
Yar this and my physical symptoms are pretty much constant and normal, but sometimes it just builds up a little bit too much and then it completely bends up my brain and then bad times happen so I need to stoppit. Nippit in the bud. So for the last... ages, I've been staying in a lot, hiding from this society thing people keep on about, staying in mah bubble and indulging my personal pleasures as it were... , but I'm still like FLEAAARGH. Meditation, or something, is what I need to do. I really do not want to go back into another period of downery, thanks. My doctor keeps throwing relaxy tablets at me but none of them do fuckity all. It seems to just be the way I am. I don't feel particularly unhappy, or anything. Just a bit too... restless. I'll occasionally feel the other extreme though... like, nothing seems worth doing, but I feel like I should make an effort, but I can't make the effort, and I get frustrated because I can't make the effort...
LMAO iTunes just belted my lugs with some pretty hardcore d&b and my brain went WOAHYEAH. I clearly need some more phat beats in my life.
Punch a pillow. IN THE NECK.
Sometimes this all makes me feel angry because it feels like people are indeed revelling in the misery of depression. I even get the feeling that people are competing sometimes. For the most part I like to try and get on with life and not talk too much about my problems, so sometimes this thread makes me feel awful. It's like you guys are confirming depression as something that people just have to deal with, and I don't like that. It's shit, depression, and it shouldn't take up this much of our time. :p And that makes me angry, so when I feel like that I just don't come in.
Sometimes, though, when shit does hit the fan, it does help to come in here and talk about it. When you can't tell RL people about your hell it can help to talk about it with other people who are there too, is all. As for reading up, I read about everything, it's my nature to gather ze facts. Doesn't mean I'm going to diagnose myself or anything. I read and learnt about blown head gaskets yesterday; I'm not going to stop taking my car to the garage.
I didn't really mean deal with... I meant more like, sometimes people just accept it, it's something we have to put up with. Like, people often seem resigned to it. 'Oh so today I felt like this, but that's normal, so y'know.' I just wish more people would shout in its damn face. Depression should be fought like a mofo, rather than just accepted. But yeah, this is only a feeling I get sometimes when I talk to people, not saying everyone's milking it and demanding attention or anything, not at all... that and the chuckly face indicates that I was being facetious... of course I know that saying 'it takes up too much of our time' is a paradox because depression is all-consuming... Sorry. I'm always saying the wrong things at the moment. I had an argument with Action Dan in the pub the other night. That has never happened before.
I hate it when people think of reasons for my depression. Like my family, I know they're there going, 'Oh it's 'cause she thinks too much, it's 'cause she's self-conscious, it's 'cause of her eye, she's lonely and won't go and get a boyfriend 'cause she's too self-conscious and it's 'cause of her eye.'
No, I'm all of those things because I have a miserable-ass personality and always have done. Even when I was confident and bossing the other kids around on the playground and making them play the stupid games I made up, I was still the same losery overthinking person. 'Tis just me, innit. I guess I'm resigned to it. Or something.
I want some attention. I want someone to look after me. Just a little bit. But without me having to give them REASONS why I'm like this. Last time I got ridiculously intoxicated with David he asked me, 'Why do you cry all the time?' There's only one answer isn't there? I'm fucking depressed. People always want reasons beyond that, and I can't even.
This may sound blasé but have any of you tried dancing? It really is amazing. It shuts my brain clean up.
What bugs me about depression is that you can never say. Like today I was at my sister's and me dad was there and my nan, 2 nieces, bro-in-law... And I found myself crying, so I grabbed my coat and scarf and sniffed it all away and flicked my scarf and fabulous'd my way out of the flat, mumbling something about having 'such a headache today...'
Why is it that you can announce if you have a headache or are tired or even period pains but you can't come out and say, 'I feel like shit, my mind won't shut up and my heart feels like a cold dead stone.'
What do I do? There's no point talking any?more. They've all heard it for 20 years theyre bored of it. I just want it to fuck off.
pessimism is stupid and boring and lame, what's the point in it.
I don't think I'm either though, really. I'm optimistic about my life, but I'm pessimistic about people... maybe.
It does get better when people GROW THE FUCK UP. I got a lot of grief at school and most of it I can laugh at now (like with my old school friend Sam, we fell out so many times when we was kids and said the harshest things to each other but we were laughing about it tonight on Facebook haha) but some people... ugh I'd never even look at them after how they made me feel. Bastards.
I'm just like this. I have loads of friends who have struggled with proper clinical depression, but for a reason, like death, social problems, drugs... but they're not depressive people, if you see what I mean. Like A, I know her so well and she goes through terrible periods where she can't see the point in anything. But she's not... emo? She's got reasons, I'm just emo. Haha. I'm being facetious again. I dunno, it's hard to explain. It's just a thought. It makes me feel incredibly guilty anyway because I've never been through anything that's caused me to be like this, it's just the way I am so I deserve no sympathy.
Yeah that's another thing, when you're a kid and people just assume it's because you're having social problems or something. I used to think if I was a truly happy person, none of that shit would bother me, you know?
I dunno. It's just that old feeling that there's like, an elephant sitting on my soul. It's hard to explain that to people. 'Is it because you can't find a partner?' 'Is it because you live over there on your own?' No. It isn't. If it was really that, I'd get a damn partner, and I'd fucking move. I've never stayed doing anything because I feel like I should, or out of duty, or whatever. I do what I damn well like every single day of my life, in search of happiness. But still...
*shuts the blue fuck up*
That said, lifestyle changes (continuous ones are necessary in my case) have definitely helped. I mean, I can get out of bed now, which is something. Would be nice to be able to get back into it at a reasonable hour each night, mind.
I don't even. I feel so inadequate. In every way. And I can't shut up talking on the internet. I'm spamming everyone with sillybollocks and nobody's getting it. Haha. I might as well make a video of me crying GIVE ME SOME ATTENTIONNN for the amount of interest people take. RL friends/family that is, you guys around here are awesome.
Oh I sometimes think I'm the only person in the world who cares about my interests more than 'having a life'. I would much rather be reading an adventure in a book, because real life adventures are dullsville and/or depressing. It's always, 'Lol let's go to the pub and bitch about each other's other halves, and did you know so and so fancies so and so and so and so doesn't like so and so? Or we talk about politics, and society, and I just DON'T CARE. This is why my true friends are my true friends because we talk about THINGS. And we go on missions with dogs and things, and generally TALK PROPERLY.
AND HAHAHA YES about the Soft Cell songs and dictionaries... Everyone's bleating away about some boring crap to do with kids or boring day-to-day society or jobs or whatever and I'm sitting there thinking, 'Would I ever get bored inside the TARDIS?' or thinking about where I would hide if I was a criminal, and about how if I was homeless I would go out to the Forest and build a treehouse.
I love to party, don't get me wrong, but it has to feel right otherwise it just messes me up and I end up being a massive burden. People are bored of seeing me sketch out, so I'd rather just stay in out of everybody's way. David said to me after his stag night, 'You know I just realised, you didn't sketch out once while we were away.' Lol, reputation.
Ugh why do people always think there's a REASON argh argh argh.
I just told my nan I was back on sertraline and some other stuff stuff stuff and she was all, 'you shouldn't just accept these pills, get a second opinion, they shouldn't just label you like that, we all get down from time to time,' AREDNWOPQAUSIHNDOPWQIUDNWOIUBDNSFUUUU.
Ok my car analogy seems to be continuing, I am currently sitting in mine with Al in the back and I can't bring myself to go and clean these two houses. Literally can't do anything. The two houses have people in. Dont want to see people. My head hurts
If I had a pound for every night out that ended in me sketching out and breaking down in the bogs...
I have a srsly clenchy jaw. All my damn teeth ache. And I'm really drowsy. DO NOT LIKE. Yeah, new meds. Blows. Epilim (which I think is making me drowsy) and sertraline (clenchy jaw). Had sertraline before but it wasn't this bad then. Argh. Although the drowsiness could just be because of the flu jab I had and just the fact I am knackered.
And the fact that all I can face eating is carbs right now; I haven't even seen a vegetable for 2 weeks.
It does say it can make me drowsy. Argh idk. I'm so late again and I have 3 customers today and I keep messing them about and I feel so awful i keep saying 'I will hopefully make it tomorrow' and then I can't and I've got like a backlog of dirty houses I was meant to start this morning at like 10 at the latest to fit them all in of course I haven't told them the real reason either so it's all cars playing up and traffic and shit. Bad bad bad. I haven't stitched any dogs up though. I don't know what to do about these side effects, there's no way of doing anything about it until Monday and I'm supposed to be going to islington tomorrow and I just feel awful!
Without wishing to turn the conversation back on to me again (argh)... This is why I feel so guilty for having this. I mean I've had difficulties, but nothing extra difficult. But there is enough beauty in the world, just keep remembering that... I can. Luckily.
Hmm.
I can actually come up with quite an epic list of the NOT VERY GOOD things that've happened to me. A bit of bullying, deaths, losing pets, divorce, injuries, ill-advised relationships, dodgy nights out... But overall, my life has been awesome. YET? BRAINFAIL. My brain beef isn't caused by anything but my brain. I don't think. It's so hard to explain that to my family. I've had a great childhood, a fantastic 'twenties', and I'm all set up for a brilliant 'thirties'... but my first thought this morning when I looked at my phone and realised it was the 28th and it's about to be 2011? "I wonder if I'll die this year?" *awesomeface*
It's the thoughts like that that pop up as if they're nothing more than, "Should I have marmite or peanut butter on my toast?" That's what pisses me off the most. And there's no reason for it at all. I feel normal when I have thoughts like that. It's only when I think back on them later in context when I think 'shit ain't right'.
Like, it's just me being me, but I'm not right, so I take pills for that. I refused at first, when I was 17, but then I tried a few and found some that worked for me and I've been on and off them throughout the last decade. They do work for some people. We've always sort of tried not to talk too much about pills being good/bad overall in this thread though, because everyone's preferred treatment is going to be different and people saying they're ALL BAD can make it quite scary for people who are starting out on a mission to find the treatment that works for them...
Yeah I don't know if it usually is caused by something. I keep being told that it is. Everyone assumes I'm depressed and have no interest in relationships because my parents divorced when I was 15. Maybe it is because of that, but it's not to me, not consciously anyway. Other than that, ummm... I lost my uncle and my dad's friend, which both really affected me... but that's all. I went to a few therapy sessions for depression in about 2005, but I didn't like it. He said there's usually something that causes depression, and he wanted to do this technique where you go back and remember stuff that might've happened to you? Idk. I never found out because I missed the next appointment and got booted off the list, as it were.
But technically, I know I'm happy, in myself, my lifestyle, my friends... Society could use a bit of improving and I despair of humans all the time and want nothing to do with any of them but like I told my mum, I've been actively trying to make my life better for myself and I'm at a place where I'm completely happy with my life, but just still feel like I need to remind my brain! That's exactly how I feel. Guilt guilt guilt. My life ain't that bad, I should man up. Especially when my family feel the need to remind me of this every time the subject comes up.
'Think about those people in that earthquake, they don't have time to be depressed.'
They just don't know how it feels. Unless you've been depressed it's hard to understand, I guess. That's what she says, anyway. When I had that time off work in 2005 she wanted me to explain it to her. I said something like, 'It's not like just being upset about something and not being able to get over it. It's like your whole life's become a joke and you don't want it, but you don't not want it... you don't want to exist but you don't want to die either, so you're just in limbo and there's nothing you can do about it, you feel guilty all the time because there's people in the world who are suffering and I feel guilty because you brought me into the world and I'm like this and I know it's hard for you to see me like this... but it's an illness, not just an emotion, and I can't just turn it off.'
And then after this past couple of months when my doctor mentioned me possibly being slightly bipolary, I phoned my nan in tears and told her not to tell Mum 'cause she'd only worry, then I found out she'd rang her that same night saying, 'Oh no our Gem's got a medical condition, it's not just depression.' Depression is a goddamn medical goddamn condition, fuuuuuuu.
I'm sick of people thinking it just means you're a bit down in the dumps. Fuck. The guilt goes all the way from, 'Get over it. There's people stuck in earthquakes' right the way down to, 'But your life is alright innit? I wish I had all the free time you have.'
Wah crying now.
MAN UP.
People who don't know... just don't know. They think it's indulgence. I wish sometimes we could sit everyone down and explain how we fucking feel, in slow agonising detail. Day by day by day, and then make them put it in their pipes, and fucking smoke it, and then feel better, and then live with the fear of it coming back.
Yep, the cycle of fail that is depression.
I'm sad.
I feel guilty because I feel sad.
I feel sadder.
I self-harm.
I feel sad that I have self-harmed.
I want to self-harm moar.
AOEDHIO9ASHBNEDOIUQWDOIUAWEBFPISBVFPAONH.
It makes sense. Always angry with myself, or I'll be angry at somebody else and I'll justify it and turn it in my head so it's my fault, and then I'll be angry at them for making me angry at myself and yeah, just endless headbeefy bollockery.
Or this:
Nobody wants me there.
Nobody would give a fuck if I'm there or not.
Cry/meltdown/despair.
Everybody hates me because I cry/meltdown/despair and accuse them of not wanting me there.
So: nobody wants me there.
My brain consciously wants me to be mental. Lying here perfectly rational and awake and compos mentis as fuck. Yet my brain is going, 'You're nuts. You're absolutely fucked. You're totally shit.' I just want to go downstairs and eat the whole kitchen and then go and rag my car down the motorway. And scratch all the skin off my body argh!
I'm not going to though, I don't want to worry my boys. Argh I want my mum. H8 H8 H8. So many dogs are relying on me right now.
I don't want to Think anymore please.
I am always really open about the fact I attention seek. LOOK AT MEEEEEEE. I totally see what you're saying though. It's like when people accuse people with depression of sounding like 'attention seeking teenage girls', as if the pain that attention seeking teenage girls go through isn't 100% fucking awful.
Your last sentence just sunk in ("I kind of lost the ability to tell whether anything I think is real. I can't even tell in my own mind whether my own thoughts and feelings are sincere, or fabricated.") and I'm like SHIT right now. I was thinking exactly this, just this week. I lie in bed wide awake going all whirly and wanting it all to stop, so I'm thinking about fucking stuff up, going for a drive and crashing my car, scratching myself, going out into the street and screaming and lying down in the road and all sorts of mental stuff like that. Then my own brain's like, 'Shut the fuck up you absolute twat, you're only thinking shit like this because you want attention, you massive drama queen.'
Like, my own brain is arguing with me. Am I just attention seeking? I don't even know what this means. I told my nan this last night and she said I should tell the doctor. I can't talk about this shit with anybody because, well it makes me sound like a fucking headcase, but she makes me admit things, my nan. It's like, damnit woman. Oh HAI life, what are you doing on this page?
*hi5s all the mentals*
I couldn't get in to see my doctor this week for more tablets so as of tomorrow I am going cold turkey. Stupid expression, that. I know I shouldn't just suddenly stop taking them so I'm a bit worried. But he did say we'd talk about comin off them. Idk. Guess things can't get much more mental. It was only the mood stabiliser I was going to stop, I wouldn't stop the sertraline that suddenly. I dunno if it'd cause the same problems or what. I took the last one tonight & cba with going to docs, I am toooooooo busy & shit, fuckin wide awake again & fuuuu.
Slept till 8:45 and missed all the fackin doctors appointments again baaaalls.
Also I know what you mean about weight. Now I'm back to my healthy range i worry so much about the numbers. Over Xmas I put on some poundage and now I'm like RIGHT fuck you weight you are outta here.
I definitely have a compulsion to overeat. Which after a bit if research I found out is actually in the disordered eating.... category as it were. I never considered it like that, and just assumed I was a greedy gannet.
Well I should be asleep, goddamnit.
ASAAAARGH
Nobody's ever said anything but nice things about me. Well, I've had abuse because of my wonky eyes, but other than that. I value myself and think I'm awesome. Still a headcase. It's not something that's rational. Mmmhmmm... & it doesn't matter what other people say, it's all you... even though I think as you get older and get settled in yourself as it were, it gets easier to live with yourself. I mean, I used to be ridiculously self-conscious and socially anxious and just a whole ball of fail really, I used to go to meets and not say a word, etc... now I talk to everyone, but still there's those feelings of fail about yourself as it were as it were.
Also I don't seem to be able to feel any emotion at the moment. IT IS WEIRD.
No but Idk. Just keep reminding her of the good times. For example, I know that music and dancing is the one thing that makes life seem worth it, so if people get me to a great gig or make me dance, I'm onto a winner and I'll be buzzing and life will be great. So, yeah... just keep reminding her of something that's good, something she loves, and keep at it.
Waifey I want to hug you and I'm glad you're back <3
I've wanted to cry all day but haven't, I just feel numb. it's so weird. I lost my wallet and wanted to get angry but couldn't... And then tonight my A's dad died. What? I felt faint and shakey though and had to sit the fuck down. luckily I was in good company haha. There was lolz. then I got my arse HOME and hugged my A, and she was really pissed and merry... very odd. I think it's shock. I think things are going to kick off big time tomorrow.
I just can't stop thinking about death and losing all my loved ones.
I get called a freak about 54 times a day in my own damn home. Last night, 'You're the only one who isn't stoned. And you're still the weirdest.'
Haha I think you guys took me far too srs there. My housemate and I have epic banter, it's all fer lolz.
DAMN demons. Take 'em on.
I also came out of my shell as I got older. I'm introverted rather than shy though, I think. I'm a very silly person under the self-consciousness. Self-overawareness. IT'S GREAT. I has it.
Lol yah so oh my gosh, I have to keep up the sertraline but can stop the epilim which I kinda did anyway. Lolz. Didn't go any more nuts. I really feel like I want a brain transplant though. Beginning to loath myself again tbh. I worry though that if I got a new brain the donor wouldn't have loved Devin Townsend as much as me.
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no subject
Date: 2011-02-05 09:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-05 10:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-05 09:30 pm (UTC)I have an inkling of what you mean about wanting your brain to shut up.
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Date: 2011-02-05 09:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-06 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-06 08:39 pm (UTC)