![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
It's a bit of bitter jealousy on my part as well, I don't have any problem admitting that. It's clear that there is great importance placed on finding a partner. It's hard knowing I'm never going to have somebody who cares about me that much. When I loved somebody enough to compromise... I tried to change myself and my orientation for them, which was a mistake, but I'm still bitter that it wasn't enough. And it's rubbed in my face every day, zillions of times, that I failed at showing my love for that person. I KNOW people don't list relationships in order of value, but it certainly bloody feels like that when you can't give people what they need, so they choose someone else. If you COULD place a trillion quid price tag on a friendship, I would place one of all of mine. But when they opt to spend time in a relationship they obviously would place a higher price tag on... well, ouch, tbh.
I tried to explain this to my mum who, when I told her I wanted to move back over to her side of the Water because I got lonely, she said that, 'You think we're all over here getting together without you every night, and we're not. I never see your brother either and he's only up the road.' I tried to tell her that that isn't my point, I don't just feel left out of extended-family stuff... I feel left out of household stuff... my point is that they all HAVE somebody, someone to come home to, eat with; just to be with all the time. While I know that being in such close proximity to somebody all the time would drive me bonkers, sometimes I can't help that loneliness. Nothing can fill the void, because by the time I'm already down about it, I'm already bitter at everybody and don't want to see them. I feel like it's always up to me to go to them when I'm down, and, irrationally and selfishly, I kind of want somebody to care enough to come to me first and catch me before I get down about it. I get upset, I tell Facebook I'm fed up, people offer me tea and cake and cuddles. Then they forget about me again, because their own lives take over, of course, which is fine, really. I'm not saying I want to be centre of everyone's attention... but I kind of am saying that I want to be the centre of somebody's? But only sometimes? That's what romantic relationships are all about, right, sharing your whole world with somebody and making them the centre of yours? See what I'm saying? Of course people crave that. Of course I'm going to, sometimes.
I love my own company, and have always wanted to live on my own, and being around too many people does my head in. But sometimes it's bloody hard being alone. Especially this time of year. If I'm even slightly missing human company, I never feel like I can talk about it with anyone, because every time I bring this up someone'll say, 'You'll find somebody', or they'll tell me I am 'so important' to them, they love me, etc... then in the same breath they'll say, 'You''ll find somebody of your own some day'... as if that's any comfort whatsoever... It sounds bitter, but they might as well say, 'You're great and all, but I have this other relationship, and that's better. You'll have to get one of these too.' It's all just so... harsh. And there's nothing I can do about it except a) stay busy, gratefully accept the attention I do get from the people I love, and confidently go about being cheerful, doing what I feel like doing and pleasing myself, or b) be bitter that they don't think about me enough, hide from everybody in my room and be angry at them all and rant about them on the internet.
Sometimes it just has to be b).
I tried to explain this to my mum who, when I told her I wanted to move back over to her side of the Water because I got lonely, she said that, 'You think we're all over here getting together without you every night, and we're not. I never see your brother either and he's only up the road.' I tried to tell her that that isn't my point, I don't just feel left out of extended-family stuff... I feel left out of household stuff... my point is that they all HAVE somebody, someone to come home to, eat with; just to be with all the time. While I know that being in such close proximity to somebody all the time would drive me bonkers, sometimes I can't help that loneliness. Nothing can fill the void, because by the time I'm already down about it, I'm already bitter at everybody and don't want to see them. I feel like it's always up to me to go to them when I'm down, and, irrationally and selfishly, I kind of want somebody to care enough to come to me first and catch me before I get down about it. I get upset, I tell Facebook I'm fed up, people offer me tea and cake and cuddles. Then they forget about me again, because their own lives take over, of course, which is fine, really. I'm not saying I want to be centre of everyone's attention... but I kind of am saying that I want to be the centre of somebody's? But only sometimes? That's what romantic relationships are all about, right, sharing your whole world with somebody and making them the centre of yours? See what I'm saying? Of course people crave that. Of course I'm going to, sometimes.
I love my own company, and have always wanted to live on my own, and being around too many people does my head in. But sometimes it's bloody hard being alone. Especially this time of year. If I'm even slightly missing human company, I never feel like I can talk about it with anyone, because every time I bring this up someone'll say, 'You'll find somebody', or they'll tell me I am 'so important' to them, they love me, etc... then in the same breath they'll say, 'You''ll find somebody of your own some day'... as if that's any comfort whatsoever... It sounds bitter, but they might as well say, 'You're great and all, but I have this other relationship, and that's better. You'll have to get one of these too.' It's all just so... harsh. And there's nothing I can do about it except a) stay busy, gratefully accept the attention I do get from the people I love, and confidently go about being cheerful, doing what I feel like doing and pleasing myself, or b) be bitter that they don't think about me enough, hide from everybody in my room and be angry at them all and rant about them on the internet.
Sometimes it just has to be b).
