gemsybobsy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
gemsybobsy) wrote2009-03-03 11:51 pm
gemsybobsy) wrote2009-03-03 11:51 pm
Entry tags:
Asexuality.
I've been asking people for those 5-things-to-talk-about memes, and I have ten things that I haven't got around to getting around to. However, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hellmutt's list included Amoebahood, and last night I spent a good hour filling in this survey for somebody's research so I thought I'd post it here in answer to that one.
Do you, or have you, defined as asexual?
Yes indeed! Even when I didn't realise it.
Why do you identify as asexual? What does it mean to you?
I found the term online a few years back and the more I read the more it sounded like me, so I adopted it to describe myself. I used the term in a tongue-in-cheek fashion at first, but then realised that it really is who I am. All it means to me is 'I've never found another being sexually attractive'. I've never understood how beauty relates to sex. I can love and be intensely passionate about people, however. When I say somebody is beautiful, I mean it in the same sense that a picture is beautiful, or an animal or a child. I may say that people and things are 'sexy', 'hot', 'fit' and all those other colloquial terms that indicate sexual desire in discussion with others, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with me wanting to sex them/it up, and using the word doesn't relate to sex in my mind.
How else do you self-define?
I don't really 'identify' with either gender, but I somewhat grudgingly accept that I am female because I have a female body. I'm also a music fan, a dog lover and a reader.
When did you first encounter the term asexual?
In this context (i.e. not re: amoebas) - around 2004, I believe. Somebody mentioned asexuality on my favourite forum, and from there I found the the AVEN website (http://www.asexuality.org).
How did you come to define as asexual?
With a great sense of relief that I wasn't alone! Until then I'd always assumed that I was a late developer, or that I had a hormone imbalance, or that I was insane or scared or inhibited or nervous... obviously the list of worries I had was endless. But by the time I hit my mid-twenties I knew there had to be something else to it. I read all I could online, and came to this conclusion.
Do you find it helpful in thinking about your life? Does it explain things to you?
Yes it does in a way, it explains why I could never get the difference between being gay or straight (they're both odd to me!), why I never fantasised about partners, people I knew or celebrities, and it explained why I couldn't have sex, to be quite honest. Believe me, I've tried!
Is there anything else you would like to add about your identity?
Nope, I think I've embarrassed myself enough, haha!
What does it mean for people to define as asexual?
To me, all it means is exactly what it says on AVEN - Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction.
Does asexuality mean different things for different people?
Of course. Some asexual people like to be in relationships, some don't, some like to partake in some aspects of sex while leaving out others (i.e. just kissing), some don't. Some people like the act, but they can't associate it with the person. Some love the person they're with but just don't like sex. It's different for everyone, like everything.
Is asexuality absolute? What would it mean for it to be so?
No. Definitely not. For it to be so... well, it'd be inhuman. Nothing's concrete, especially not human sexuality!
How do you feel about ideas of romance?
I find 'romance' in moments, the country I'm in, the food I'm eating, who I'm with... It's not anything to do with falling in love and sex and ideas of 'being together forever'. Which I am certainly cynical about when it comes to me, but I'm always happy for friends when they are in that situation, if it is what makes them happy.
Do you distinguish between sex drive and sexual attraction? If so, how do you understand the distinction?
Yes, I think I understand it - sex drive is the urge to have sex while sexual attraction is about picking the... correct target. Haha.
How do you understand the relationship between sexual drive, sexual attraction and sexual acts?
To me, it's simply about fulfilling a biological need with the best person available at the time.
Is there anything else you would like to add about asexuality?
Often, I've seen people joke that asexuals talk about sex a lot for people who don't care about it. That always makes me laugh, because it's difficult not to talk about sex in this world. It is natural after all, and I don't find it hard to understand that fact. I do find it hard to be open about my asexuality. It's a lot to go into, especially when you've just met a new person and don't want to be too intense. I want to help make us more visible and acceptable. AVEN and other online communities out there are doing great things for our cause, and I hope to contribute more to it by adding my own stories.
Has your life changed since you began to define as asexual? If so, how?
Yes. I've found that I can get more involved in the conversations about sexuality, rather than freaking out and running away! I feel like I have an orientation now, and am more settled in my own skin.
How have people understood your asexuality?
Friends have accepted it quite well! Heterosexual friends have compared my feelings for every person as they do for their same-sex friends. My friend explained it to her 96-year-old aunt as 'Gemsy doesn't like men, or women either!' and she understood it perfectly!
What problems have you faced?
Family members have found it difficult to understand, I think. Some are still insistant that I will meet the 'right person' and change my mind. People have laughed at me when I've tried to explain it, and asked personal questions that have offended me, but these are the type of people who will say other things that will offend me enough to walk away; no great loss!
How, if at all, has your understanding of asexuality changed over time?
I don't think it's changed as of yet, and it's not likely to change!
Have you been in relationships, with either sexual or asexual partners, since you began to identify as asexual? How were these?
I experimented a lot (a LOT!) when I was younger but nothing ever 'worked' for me. The only long-term sexual relationship I had was more recently, with somebody whom I thought could be the one who would 'switch me on', as we already had so much love between us. It ended badly and while I don't regret what we had during that time, I am still angry about the way it ended. In general, I am frustrated by the fact that it's absolutely impossible to make sexual people understand that just because you don't have the urge to get physical it doesn't mean you love them any less.
Are you out to your friends? Was this a difficult process? What helped it? What hindered it?
Most of them! It wasn't particularly difficult; I think they already know me quite well and they already suspected something was up. Before I'd heard of asexuality I used to describe myself as 'not very sexual' or I'd say things like, 'I can't be arsed with relationships', so they all pretty much were used to me saying things like this. I've become way more open and vocal about it lately, linking my blog up to Facebook and things like that. I think I'm getting braver as I'm getting older.
Do you feel your friends have understood or failed to understand your asexuality? Were they supportive of you and what form did this take? Were they unsupportive of you and what form did this take?
Nobody's been unsupportive in the slightest. A couple of people laughed it off and told me I just needed to meet someone who'll do it for me, but that's it.
How, if at all, have their attitudes and behaviours changed over time?
Not at all.
Is there anything else you would like to add about your friends?
I love their precious faces. Including the one I'm angry with.
Are you out to your family? Was this a difficult process? What helped it? What hindered it?
Most of them. As I mentioned before, I think some of them think I'm being silly. But aren't we all?
Do you feel your family have understood or failed to understand your asexuality? Were they supportive of you and what form did this take? Were they unsupportive of you and what form did this take?
The ones who understand it are completely nonchalant about it, which I think is the best. They don't see me as anything different to what I already was! It probably explained a lot of things about me to them, too.
How, if at all, have their attitudes and behaviours changed over time?
They haven't, really.
Is there anything else you would like to add about your experiences?
Ummm. Just that you are extremely nosy and I wasn't expecting open questions! I can't resist an open question, and this has taken me over an hour to complete! In all seriousness, I hope this helps with your research. :)
hellmutt's list included Amoebahood, and last night I spent a good hour filling in this survey for somebody's research so I thought I'd post it here in answer to that one.Do you, or have you, defined as asexual?
Yes indeed! Even when I didn't realise it.
Why do you identify as asexual? What does it mean to you?
I found the term online a few years back and the more I read the more it sounded like me, so I adopted it to describe myself. I used the term in a tongue-in-cheek fashion at first, but then realised that it really is who I am. All it means to me is 'I've never found another being sexually attractive'. I've never understood how beauty relates to sex. I can love and be intensely passionate about people, however. When I say somebody is beautiful, I mean it in the same sense that a picture is beautiful, or an animal or a child. I may say that people and things are 'sexy', 'hot', 'fit' and all those other colloquial terms that indicate sexual desire in discussion with others, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with me wanting to sex them/it up, and using the word doesn't relate to sex in my mind.
How else do you self-define?
I don't really 'identify' with either gender, but I somewhat grudgingly accept that I am female because I have a female body. I'm also a music fan, a dog lover and a reader.
When did you first encounter the term asexual?
In this context (i.e. not re: amoebas) - around 2004, I believe. Somebody mentioned asexuality on my favourite forum, and from there I found the the AVEN website (http://www.asexuality.org).
How did you come to define as asexual?
With a great sense of relief that I wasn't alone! Until then I'd always assumed that I was a late developer, or that I had a hormone imbalance, or that I was insane or scared or inhibited or nervous... obviously the list of worries I had was endless. But by the time I hit my mid-twenties I knew there had to be something else to it. I read all I could online, and came to this conclusion.
Do you find it helpful in thinking about your life? Does it explain things to you?
Yes it does in a way, it explains why I could never get the difference between being gay or straight (they're both odd to me!), why I never fantasised about partners, people I knew or celebrities, and it explained why I couldn't have sex, to be quite honest. Believe me, I've tried!
Is there anything else you would like to add about your identity?
Nope, I think I've embarrassed myself enough, haha!
What does it mean for people to define as asexual?
To me, all it means is exactly what it says on AVEN - Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction.
Does asexuality mean different things for different people?
Of course. Some asexual people like to be in relationships, some don't, some like to partake in some aspects of sex while leaving out others (i.e. just kissing), some don't. Some people like the act, but they can't associate it with the person. Some love the person they're with but just don't like sex. It's different for everyone, like everything.
Is asexuality absolute? What would it mean for it to be so?
No. Definitely not. For it to be so... well, it'd be inhuman. Nothing's concrete, especially not human sexuality!
How do you feel about ideas of romance?
I find 'romance' in moments, the country I'm in, the food I'm eating, who I'm with... It's not anything to do with falling in love and sex and ideas of 'being together forever'. Which I am certainly cynical about when it comes to me, but I'm always happy for friends when they are in that situation, if it is what makes them happy.
Do you distinguish between sex drive and sexual attraction? If so, how do you understand the distinction?
Yes, I think I understand it - sex drive is the urge to have sex while sexual attraction is about picking the... correct target. Haha.
How do you understand the relationship between sexual drive, sexual attraction and sexual acts?
To me, it's simply about fulfilling a biological need with the best person available at the time.
Is there anything else you would like to add about asexuality?
Often, I've seen people joke that asexuals talk about sex a lot for people who don't care about it. That always makes me laugh, because it's difficult not to talk about sex in this world. It is natural after all, and I don't find it hard to understand that fact. I do find it hard to be open about my asexuality. It's a lot to go into, especially when you've just met a new person and don't want to be too intense. I want to help make us more visible and acceptable. AVEN and other online communities out there are doing great things for our cause, and I hope to contribute more to it by adding my own stories.
Has your life changed since you began to define as asexual? If so, how?
Yes. I've found that I can get more involved in the conversations about sexuality, rather than freaking out and running away! I feel like I have an orientation now, and am more settled in my own skin.
How have people understood your asexuality?
Friends have accepted it quite well! Heterosexual friends have compared my feelings for every person as they do for their same-sex friends. My friend explained it to her 96-year-old aunt as 'Gemsy doesn't like men, or women either!' and she understood it perfectly!
What problems have you faced?
Family members have found it difficult to understand, I think. Some are still insistant that I will meet the 'right person' and change my mind. People have laughed at me when I've tried to explain it, and asked personal questions that have offended me, but these are the type of people who will say other things that will offend me enough to walk away; no great loss!
How, if at all, has your understanding of asexuality changed over time?
I don't think it's changed as of yet, and it's not likely to change!
Have you been in relationships, with either sexual or asexual partners, since you began to identify as asexual? How were these?
I experimented a lot (a LOT!) when I was younger but nothing ever 'worked' for me. The only long-term sexual relationship I had was more recently, with somebody whom I thought could be the one who would 'switch me on', as we already had so much love between us. It ended badly and while I don't regret what we had during that time, I am still angry about the way it ended. In general, I am frustrated by the fact that it's absolutely impossible to make sexual people understand that just because you don't have the urge to get physical it doesn't mean you love them any less.
Are you out to your friends? Was this a difficult process? What helped it? What hindered it?
Most of them! It wasn't particularly difficult; I think they already know me quite well and they already suspected something was up. Before I'd heard of asexuality I used to describe myself as 'not very sexual' or I'd say things like, 'I can't be arsed with relationships', so they all pretty much were used to me saying things like this. I've become way more open and vocal about it lately, linking my blog up to Facebook and things like that. I think I'm getting braver as I'm getting older.
Do you feel your friends have understood or failed to understand your asexuality? Were they supportive of you and what form did this take? Were they unsupportive of you and what form did this take?
Nobody's been unsupportive in the slightest. A couple of people laughed it off and told me I just needed to meet someone who'll do it for me, but that's it.
How, if at all, have their attitudes and behaviours changed over time?
Not at all.
Is there anything else you would like to add about your friends?
I love their precious faces. Including the one I'm angry with.
Are you out to your family? Was this a difficult process? What helped it? What hindered it?
Most of them. As I mentioned before, I think some of them think I'm being silly. But aren't we all?
Do you feel your family have understood or failed to understand your asexuality? Were they supportive of you and what form did this take? Were they unsupportive of you and what form did this take?
The ones who understand it are completely nonchalant about it, which I think is the best. They don't see me as anything different to what I already was! It probably explained a lot of things about me to them, too.
How, if at all, have their attitudes and behaviours changed over time?
They haven't, really.
Is there anything else you would like to add about your experiences?
Ummm. Just that you are extremely nosy and I wasn't expecting open questions! I can't resist an open question, and this has taken me over an hour to complete! In all seriousness, I hope this helps with your research. :)
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I dunno, it's like a switch has been flicked in my brain recently and I feel no shame anymore. Haha.
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:D
I especially like your take on the whole support issues and finding the best thing if when people are nonchalant about it.
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Yeah it's weird how that helps a lot, it's like you feel sick and worried when you explain something and they're like, "Yeah whatever, I already knew that!" Haha!
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