Grrr.

Feb. 3rd, 2016 06:26 pm
gemsybobsy: (floyd)
I keep yelling about this stuff in snippets on Facebook but it feels pointless. It doesn't get me anywhere. But nothing's getting me anywhere anyway, I'm really just existing at the moment. I'm not living. I'm just working and stressing. For nothing. I spent the whole of January with butterflies in my stomach, and feel on the brink of tears AT ALL TIMES. I thought maybe typing it all out properly would sort it out in my head/get it all out...

I'm so sick of working as hard as I do and getting nowhere. No savings, not enough holiday, no sick pay... the only blip of calm I feel is when the rent has gone out of my account after two weeks of begging people to put the money in there, but then of course, hey, the account's back to £0, and next week the tax will go out, and so begins another month of scraping enough £s in just to make it through each direct debit in turn.

I'm angry that I have to pay out so many living expenses to live alone, yet wouldn't save any money even if I moved into a shared house. If I got a 'proper job' I'd have to get a degree first otherwise I can't afford to keep living alone. And I don't get any help from the government at all, not even tax credits are available to me anymore because I earn 'too much'. I'm constantly struggling and can't commit to anything - gigs are rare unless I'm playing them, holidays cause me real fear, I couldn't even buy myself anything with my Christmas money, just in case, and now that's been swallowed up.

I'm sick of seeing other dog walkers/petsitting people doing so much better than me when I was the first and nobody wanted to know back then. I see these new businesses popping up, shiny vans, loads of dogs, all accredited trainers, have a team of walkers, have paddocks and premises. When I told people in 2006 what I was offering I was repeatedly laughed at. 'Why would I get a dog and pay someone else to walk it?!' And I know I'm not entitled to success on a plate, but I never sat around and expected it to happen for me. I started this working my arse off for people who promised they'd pay for me to do training courses and who didn't do that, and they still took half my money, so I had to start doing the cleaning to make ends meet, and ten years later - the ends still don't fucking meet.

The stress makes me overeat, which makes me gain weight, and I get acid reflux/silent reflux (DIAGNOSED BY A CONSULTANT with a laryngoscope, TWICE, in 2008 and again in 2013) as a result. This is affecting my voice when speaking, and more annoyingly - seeing as I am that bird off of that synthpop band - when singing. I KNOW IT'S AS A RESULT OF WEIGHT GAIN, because in 2008 and in 2013, when a camera went down my effing nose and looked at my vocal folds and saw irritation from acid, I was the size I am now. When I was 30lbs lighter than this, when we started the band and recorded our first album, I didn't have the voice problem. My voice feels tight, tense, it's easily fatigued and I have to really work to control my pitching and avoid squeaking, and I can barely make it through a gig without it almost giving up completely and aching, hurting and feeling sore as hell. I find it really hard to even talk every single day. I'll be having a conversation and my voice will just go. I'll have to clear my throat to get a sound out. And 'ahemming' all the time makes it WORSE. I can never be arsed to explain all this so I just say, 'My voice still sucks because of the reflux.' Then everyone goes, 'But your voice is really good.' That's not what I meeean. I explain. They say, 'You're not fat though.' ARGH I know I might look okay or whatever but that's not the point. My extra weight makes my reflux worse, simple fact. They give me that look as if I'm talking bollocks. So I get wound up with that as well. I'M NOT THICK. I am talking complete sense. I didn't get this from Dr Google. So I feel the pressure to lose the weight, to prove it. So I feel stressed. So I overeat. And then I stress because I'm still not losing the weight. So I overeat. I'M SO SICK OF MYSELF.

And on top of all of that, all music now stresses me out. I can never get computers/recording equipment to work. EVER. I have written two songs, EVER. Neither of them are even half-finished. The very idea of sitting down and creating anything fills me with actual dread. So I don't bother. Might as well sell it all. And then spend the proceeds on sodding gas and electric. Every evening and weekend flies past in a blur of eating, refreshing Facebook, feeling like I'm missing out of everything cool that ever happens, and crying.

And then there's the fact that my dog won't hang out with me at home anymore, because the fridge, which is now unplugged, made a stupid cracking noise occasionally, and because he can only hear it when it's quiet, he thinks the noise happens BECAUSE I sit on the sofa or lie in bed. So he skulks downstairs unless I make him stay in here. And if I do he stares anxiously at me until I get annoyed and tell him to bugger off. And then I cry because I MISS MY CUDDLY DOODLE DOG. :'(

I know last time I felt this messed up, I changed my life and it was scary and awesome. But this time I have no idea what I want. I just feel trapped in this bumbling existence. Bit of money comes in, instantly gone. Cupboard full of groceries, instantly binged on. Bit of energy, instantly gone. I feel a tiny bit of positivity and it's instantly covered in a ton of negativity.

We're going on tour in a couple of weeks. WITH FADERHEAD. Like, it's a dream to be asked to do something like that. But all I can focus on is how exhausted I feel, how broke I am, how out of shape I am going to look on stage, and how my voice is NOT going to cope. I was supposed to be on top form for this. FFS. I feel so angry at myself. I can't look forward to anything, I feel like I can't go out and socialise because I always feel anxious or miserable. When I do see people I feel like I can't talk about any of this anymore because I feel like they're sick of hearing about it, nobody can suggest anything to me, and I want to keep this image that I'm in control, I got my life sorted, etc, etc... I think that's why I turn to food so often; it's something that gives me a little bit of luxury and relaxation in a world of stress, and it's letting that craving take control of me, instead of me having to control ALL THE THINGS all the time. Argh.

I spent the whole of the last decade sorting out my life, getting it how I wanted it. But it's not good enough. Spent the whole of last year sorting out my brain, and getting over depression and stress, but it's all right outside the door and I'm back wading through it, with concrete boots, just not wanting to get up and even bother.

I think this is why I don't write journal entries anymore. I'll just be saying the same stuff again and again.
gemsybobsy: (ana)
14. What your life was like ten years ago
Um... Ermergerd I was thinking I'd be writing about school and college here but I'd actually already left ten years ago! Okay, now I feel old. Right, exactly ten years ago I'd have been working at GSF for a few months, and enjoying having a full-time job and being a grown up... Looking at my diary entries from then haha - I still lived at home, didn't drive, smoked '68million' fags, driving around the Forest with Steve a lot, going to town to spend my wages, going to London for awesome gigs... I was obsessed with Tool, and metal, and Muse (that year they played Reading, I went with Timur and Kev, and it's always the first thing I think of when I think '2002'!)... I stayed up till the early hours on the internet, made websites, we still had our old band Symbiosis and we did some gigs, then we did Brother Earth later that year (our epic metal band in which I sang and played bass)... We went to the Dungeon, Nexus and the Bosun's Locker a lot and played pool and spent more money on the juke box than on booze... that was a great pub. We played a lot of war games in the Forest. That was hilarious.

15. How much alcohol you drink
I can definitely take it or leave it. I've never been one to say 'I fancy a beer' or have booze in the fridge at home... for me drinking is just part of going out and being sociable, but I can go out and be sociable without the booze. I'm one of those annoying people who stands at the front of the queue at the bar and goes, 'Oh yeah, booze. Now what shall I have...?' I can totally get going when the mood takes me though, haha. I do like being drunk. I don't seem to need to drink that much to get drunk these days... So... the question! I... probably have about 4-5 pints of beer in one binge. I've been having shots lately though because of The Diet. 6 rum & diet cokes should be enough.

16. Your worst illness
Ummm... Probably the asthma, I got hospitalised for it once when I was really young, and went to A&E with it a couple of times as a teenager and once or twice as a grown-up. I've always just had 'ailments' as opposed to serious illnesses. I've had the usual bugs and viruses, and could list a few occasions where I've felt like proper death, but nothing really bad.

17. What you do at work
Drive, mostly. Pick up dogs, clean houses, clean pubs, bash my elbows on sharp corners, stub my toes on Hoovers, hang out with dogs, take dogs home, queue up at the bank, panic about money, might go and help out with some ballet teaching... Tomorrow, though, I'm doing a day at GSF where I used to work. Haha. Oh and gigs with the band, that's kind of work. So yeah, all sorts o' stuff.

18. A question or comment people should never make to you
I'm not easily offended, but I will take it personally and get angry if anyone makes any comment slagging off someone for having wonky eyes. Calling someone ugly for any reason, really, can make me get a bit uppity. And they can't backtrack out of it by then saying, 'I'm allowed to slag her off because she's a bitch.' No. Carry on digging that hole. Actually, if I'm 'on one', any random comment that shows they don't think genders are equal, or that they believe you're more valuable than someone else because of their background, education or job or are a supporter of any form of discrimination at all really... I can get pissed off, but you know... I like to think people can talk freely to me... Haha. I've had debates with mates over things in the pub but I don't really get angry in real life. People I talk to on the internet probably know that I can get pretty angry from my occasional massive ranty essays!

19. The style of clothing you feel most comfortable in
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Nah, anything goes really, as long as I don't have my butt on display. Or the tops of the backs of my legs, so no short shorts or dresses with bare legs. I'd be thinking about it the whole time. Leggings have to have a dress over them. I used to have this thing where I've had to have something covering my arse if it was tightly clad in any way. Pencil skirts were out of the question - they had to be flowy/sticky-outy. In jeans or trousers I had to have a skirt on top or a jumper round my waist. And I could never wear tight tops. Couldn't show off my womanly shape, oh no! Now I'm perfectly comfortable in more figure-hugging things, but I'm favouring longer tops at the moment because I've got junk in the trunk. I don't suit girly clothes; dainty dresses and pretty sandals and stuff aren't really me. If I do buy something that's really pretty and girly, which I sometimes do if there's something I just like for no reason, I have to balance it with super UBERMETALHAMMERGEIL! Like, I'll wear a cutesy blouse with cats and flowers and candyfloss and rainbows on it, with massive baggy combats and army boots. I have quite broad shoulders and good legs (when I'm in shape), so I think my actual ideal 'style' is tight jeans, long boots and long floaty shirts. OH YEAH. Can't wait to shift this weight and go SHOPPING. Size 8 shopping... *daydreams*

Damnit, I've been asleep all evening and am now wide awake. Today I went on a boat! It was my auntie Trudie's boyfriend's birthday, and they're moving away for a while, so they had this big ol' boat trip that went from Ocean Village up the Beaulieu river and back. Quite nice, had a ploughman's and a cream tea, and it was 30 degrees out today, so. And it brought back a lot of memories of driving Dad's boat up the river and waving at the yachties while badmouthing them under our breath... Absolutely splendid day for it, old bean.

Leipzig!

May. 28th, 2012 10:25 pm
gemsybobsy: (dreams divide)
Just got back from playing the most amazing gig at the most amazing venue.. the Moritzbastei! We were brilliant if I do say so myself. It took us a long ol' time to get there; we stayed in Cologne for a night on the way, then went back for two more nights and travelled back today. Awesome banter, lots of sunshine, fantastic cities... Amazing. I came back to an oven house! It's so hot upstairs! And I left my compost bag in the kitchen... ew.

I seem to have forgotten how to write proper. Haha.

I'm busy as heck. Loads of work, but no money. I was panicking for the last month or so because I couldn't get any money together for the rent! I am looking at my diary now and it's giving me a sadface. I want to go on tooour for a looong time. Stupid day job. Damnit.
gemsybobsy: (dreams divide)
We played a fantastic gig at Electrowerkz (Islington) last night! Sang, danced, got drunk, ate our weight in junk food... Afterwards we came out of the front door into a shitload of snow; proper fat snow too. We were expecting it (at exactly 6pm according my phone) but didn't anticipate such a flurry! It was brilliant. Bit of a pain driving home though - slidey 'n' scary. They were gritting all the motorways when we were on our way but they hadn't done any of the roads actually in the city. Numpties. People were abandoning their cars and sliding on their coats down hills and that, haha.

I have a fish tank! Tam and Nidge gave it to me with some bits and bobs for it. I spent today nosing around in all the garden centres, of which there are many around here, stopping in all the cafés for drinks and making a fish wishlist. Fishlist! I also bought a light for my tank. I need a drill to fit it though, so that'll be my plan for tomorrow. I finally got round to cleaning all the bits today. I've set up the stand and found a space for it. I have some gravel (black), some pretty stones and a couple of cleaning gadgets coming in the post, hopefully tomorrow, and then I just need to blag/purchase a filtration system because the one I've got is well '80s and completely outdated. I joked that most of the stuff looks like it's from the '80s, then I uncovered a bottle of some sort of chemical with an expiration date - 1988. Haha. I think that was when I last had a tropical fish tank! Just hope this one holds up once it contains 100 litres of water...
gemsybobsy: (dreams divide)
We played Camden Underworld, and it was amazing. I think that was our best gig yet! There are some moar photos here. Thanks Sophie, you are an awesomeface! I've sorta turned my YouTube account into a shrine to Dreams Divide as well, haha, seeing as videos keep popping up on there from our wonderful supporters! :)

This moving malarkey is bit of a nuisance, to say the least. I've had to shell out about £200 on various new things, and that's after diligent (expert) research and buying the cheapest option every time, and even after blagging freebies from family and friends! I've got everything sorted now, pretty much... everything from dishes to doormats to doggy beds! But... then there's the utilities. Good God! I'm just going to type a list.

- Find and buy contents insurance;
- Set up an account with the best energy provider (I think I've decided I'm going to go with British Gash, I pity the fool);
- Set up water account (phone Wessex Water?);
- Set up gigantic rent direct debit;
- Set up council tax payments;
- Get a residents' parking permit;
- Renew car insurance (WHY does that have to come up for renewal now, darn it, and WHY OH WHY did the cheapest quote have to be from bloody Sheila's Wheels?);
- My best buddies HMRC (change address);
- Bank (change address);
- PayPal/Amazon/eBay (change address [when the bank has changed their records]);
- All the other internet accounts, domains and hosting and so on (change addresses and/or get rid of those that don't get used);
- Barclay card (change address);
- Pension (change address);
- Travel insurance (change address);
- NHS cards (change address);
- Register with new doctor;
- Write a card for Dr Gallagher and let the surgery know I'm moving (I will SO miss him!);
- Find new and not-at-all-scary dentist and conveniently neglect to tell the old one I'm moving (he's a tosser);
- Driving license (change address);
- DVLA/car log book (change address);

- Cancel benefits/council tax account with Southampton City Council;
- Cancel account with the meat man (because I found a butcher in Romsey who does 400g tubes of pet mince for 25p!);
- Cancel O2 broadband (if I ever manage to get through to the bastards on the sodding phone);
- Transfer BT line (to be activated 28th October);
- Set up new broadband (PlusNet) AND I FINK THAT'S IT. (I can't get decent unlimited broadband because none of them are available in the area. I got PlusNet in the end; it's unlimited between midnight and 8am which is prime internettin' time for me anyway. It'll be a total of £23 a month including line rental, which is great, and means no more lame chunky quarterly bills from BT. Annoyingly, though, it won't be active until after my phone line's activated, so it looks like I'll be relying on 3G for 5-7 days. Boo.)

So yeah, enough to be getting on with, and I'm doing so much extra work at the moment. I'm knackered! I went back to dancing yesterday too, so my legs are killing. Ouchies. I haven't been at all this term 'cause I've just been too busy cleaning, temping in the office (which brought back wicked memories), gigging, staying in someone's house to look after a lovely doggy, roadying for VNV Nation (wat) and all sorts of crazy balls. Everything's paid off now though - all the overdue rent I owed, money I owed to a few friends, the album production costs... all sorted. So I'm starting with the proverbial clean slate! I hope this house is worth it!
gemsybobsy: (dreams divide)
First gig was Saturday night! We kicked ARSE. I decided to rename and use my Tumblr to keep all the vids and reviews and photos and stuff together. So here you go!



Fuck Yeah Dreams Divide

Aren't chocolate digestives just SO NICE? It's not even funny anymore. I am so damn happy you guise.

Oh here's a meme.

A - Age: 29.
B - Bed size: Double.
C - Chore you hate: Getting pesky limescale off of shower doors.
D - Don't eat: Mean-ass cheap supermarket meat.
E - Essential start-your-day item: Facebook.
F - Favourite board game: Skull & Crossbones.
G - Gold or Silver: Silver.
H - Height: 5'6.5".
I - Instruments you play: Pianos and synfs. I played bass in one band, but I dunno how on earth I blagged that. I can also play a few awkward guitar chords, and I played the violin and recorder at school but I have no idea how much I remember of those. Mostly I just sing!
J - Job title: Mop Wielding Canine Fitness Consultant at Mutts & Mops.
K - Kid(s): In my life? My 'god'daughter Ellie and my nieces Dhana (I'm also her 'god'mother) and baby Stevie. <3
L - Love or lust: Love.
M - Mum's name: Karen.
N - Nicknames: Gemsy Gem Gem-Gems...
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Eyeball fail aged 4, asthma fail aged 5 or 6.
P - Pants or pantyhose: This means trousers or tights, right? Trousers.
Q - Favourite Movie Quote: "What, like the back of a Volkswagen?"
R - Right or left handed: Righty.
S - Siblings: Sister Nik, 16 months younger than me, bro Leeps, 6 years younger.
T - Time you wake up: When I feel like it. :D The beauty of being self-employed!
U - Underwear: Boring.
V - Vegetable favorite: BROCCOLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII FOREVER.
W - Ways you run late: What.
X - X-rays you've had: Teef & chest. And I had two ultrasounds. Funs.
Y - Yummy food you make: Potato and lentil curry, nom nom nom.
Z - Zoo favorite: I prefer theme parks tbh.

OH SHIT

Feb. 10th, 2011 11:25 pm
gemsybobsy: (dreams divide)
MY SONG IS DONE
DREAMS DIVIDE'S FIRST SONG
THE SONG I GAVE TO DAVE AND SAID, HERE YOU ARE DAVE LET US USE MY CHORDS
THE CHORDS I'VE BEEN PLAYING WITH FOR 10 YEARS
MY CHORDS
MY SONG
MY FIRST EVER COMPLETELY FINISHED SONG
I have been playing these chords FORFUCKINGEVER wanting to make them into a song. AND IT IS DONE AND IT SOUNDS AMAZING AND I WILL HAVE JOY FOREVER AND I WANT TO CRY BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE I'M ON STUPID SERTRALINE

Sorry, I'm being totally annoying.

Have some songs. :D

WHEN I SING 'FALLS' I SOUND LIKE A FUCKING SEXY BAMF EVEN IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF
gemsybobsy: (dreams divide)
MySpace.

YAY. (Song previews, heehee)
gemsybobsy: (ballet2)
Job:
I hate cleaning. I don't want to do it. I love doggies. I want to be Mutts and Mutts!

Hobby 1:
Dancing is awesome. We're doing a Christmas show; it's all so cute. Took all the classes by myself on Tuesday. I seem to get on with kids even though they terrify me. They like me 'cause I'm daft. Being slowly convinced that I should do my exams and be a teacher.

Hobby 2:
I just really want to be IN MY BAND, ON A STAGE, PLAYING GIGS IN BERLIN AND THINGS, BUT EVERYONE'S BEING TOO SLOW ABOUT IT. It's been two years in progress now, and I'm getting so impatient! Live mixes, now? WE HAVE TO HAVE SO MANY MIXES. I just want to GET ON THE DAMN STAAAGE.

Obligatory moans:
My mind is being all noisy and I'm not getting much sleep. I look disgusting. On Tuesday my nan said, "You look knackered, girl." Awesome. I feel it, tbh. And ill, again. I have felt sick for a whole week. I haven't [TMI]been to the loo[/TMI] since Monday night before I got on the scaryplane. IBS/anxiety/depression/etc is balls, I tell you. And I have this lumpy feeling under my right rib cage; it feels like there's something in there, and nobody will believe me. 'It's just cartilage.' 'It's just glands.' 'It's just your soft ribs.' It's not supposed to feel like that! It gets all tender and owies, and it feels like it pops when I cough and when I bend over quickly, or do anything, in fact. Doing my swede in. And my toof is broken AGAIN. That'll be another £200. I need a new body, plz.

Summary:
BOO YAY WHINGE DESPAIR THE END.
gemsybobsy: (floyd)
I might get some lentils. They're s'posed to be good for you aren't they? I need to eat a healthier diet. Well, I eat GOOD food but I don't not eat BAD food. Like packets of sweeties. Mentos. Yum. And I always eat loads of things. Like, loads of cereal. I need to stop staying up so late too. I was up till 5am this morning reading The Beach. It was good though. I read it in a day. I need to get the film now, even though it's obviously well different from the book. I watched a trailer today. Maybe I should go to local full-time university instead of the OU? I'm just writing down every thought. Why not eh? [livejournal.com profile] miezhka gave me five things to talk about. LET'S TALK ABOUT ME! :)

Muse Board
I have met so many brilliant people because of that place. And like, I tell it everything. Gone on and off the band over the years, but never gone off the board. Well, I have, but usually only for about a week or so and I'm back posting about the place again. It's not really an addiction, but it's definitely a habit. It's like I'm living with the people. M used to laugh at me and say I was always 'plugged in', and I'd lol because I AM top poster (and it's A LOT of posts) but it's not really like that. I don't cry if I can't get on the internet. If you were in a room with your housemate, watching telly or something, you'd make the occasional comment, you know. I use it like that. Like a notepad too, sometimes. Of course I have a job to do there, and that takes a bit of time, especially since the album came out. I talk to the board more than I talk to my journal. More than I talk to my friends face to face. It's just such a great variety of people, and subjects and that. Things get a bit personal sometimes, maybe a bit TMI, but I think nobody would really care. Unless they were really bored and stalkerish and maybe a bit weird in the head. If you were so inclined, you could search through all my posts and pretty much get my diary for the past... probably four or five years (depending on what threads have been purged or whateverz.) Um, and I like the skins! Muse White (Absolution) is my favourite. My favourite forum is Banter, obviously. I never use the Loveboat.

Singing
I dunno much about singing really. I had a few proper lessons at school but it was like a fun lunchtime club. Proper singing teacher, with about six of us. You had to audition for lessons, which was weird. I guess they wanted people who had some skillz to be going on with. I sang a song from Pirates of Penzance which we had done at school the previous year. I was in year 10 and the girl who had the main part had a really nice operatic voice, and I remember thinking I could probably do that. So I just did, like. Dunno where it came from. I got told off for hiding it (I didn't even know I could do it haha) and then I was picked to have the lessons. The singing teacher Anne kept telling me to go to her house for proper one-on-one lessons because she reckoned I had skills and could do exams. I didn't ever do that though, boo. Mrs Chamberlain the drama teacher always liked me too, she kept on about my singing for the next two years, was always thinking I was amazing at stuff but too shy. She was right though, I was always letting myself down with the shyness. Got a D in my AS level drama 'cause I didn't 'pull out ALL the stops' as she would say. When we rehearsed for the next play, Fiddler on the Roof, I sang Sunrise Sunset in front of the group and everyone shut up and they were all amazed, I was like, "What? I'm always singing, what's the deal?" but apparently it was particularly awesome that time. Even people who normally took the piss were giving me some big-ass respeck, so I started believing in my ability, as it were, and joined my old band, and still do singin' all the time. Not shy anymore. Everyone says it's weird how I can go on stage and sing and dance in front of people but can't have a normal conversation without being self-conscious. Singing is awesome though. I love music. No-one looks at your wonky eyes when you're making noise.

Driving
I love driving. The best thing I ever did, learning how to do it. I totally hated the actual lessons though. So horrible and long and boring and frustrating. So many things to remember at once, and I sucked. Took me two years of weekly lessons to get it. They were only ever one hour long - it was the instructor's policy. I wanted to get better quicker but he was one of those 'slowly but surely' types. Argh. I was so lame. It didn't make sense really 'cause in every other part of life I'm an excellent multi-tasker. I just couldn't get the hang of the complexities of driving. When I did it it was like autopilot of course, and still is. I passed on my fourth test, hardly getting any minors but always one big stupid mistake because I was so nervous. I did the same with my cycling proficiency as well. Four times. Such a numpty. But when I passed it was the best day ever. I had to go to work (boo) so I whipped my L plates off and hooned it up the bypass to the office, blasting Muse really loudly and everyone at work came outside and cheered. I still love driving, but only if I'm actually moving. It's ALL traffic around here and it actually makes me cry in the face. I can't wait to get my new car next week.

November
My bro's birthday is on the 8th so we always had the most fun fireworky birthday parties. Ellie was born on the same day five years ago. Dhana was born on the 7th last year. Haha. And it's Nan & Grandad's birthdays. So November starts with birthdays. I'm not a great winter fan, but November is nice. If it isn't wet (no November Rain plz!) The dry smell of bonfire smoke in the chill, frost, fireworks. Coming home to a warm house, dinner, collie cuddles, Floyd toasting his beard by the fire... lovely. And of course this November is going to be extra special. The height of gig season, and what a great year for gigs. :)

Treats
Aw. I treat myself far too often. In fact I only ever please myself. Haha. I think things like, "Right, that was a longer walk than normal, I'm going to have a bar of chocolate." My sweet tooth is my downfall. And I'm prone to craving stodgy carbs. Nightmare. I'm always excusing my bad habits, justifying them to myself. I do it every day though. Every five minutes. Excuses excuses. I buy CDs and things, and think, "Oh well, I don't go out drinking that often so it's alright." It got quite bad in the past. When I was with K9 and always unhappy. This is why I had an extra 3st around my booty and never had any money. Haha. My doggies like treats too. Well, they like 'munchies' and 'dinner' and 'apple'. Floyd gets excited every time you say, "D'you want..." Anything. If you say any of those things they leg it to the kitchen and sit perfectly still waiting for me to get the jar, and then they bark, lie down and sit all at the same time, just doing all their usual cues before I get a chance to say anything.
gemsybobsy: (eugene)
Last week - cleaning, walking with hounds, recording vocals, cleaning, walking with hounds, TV shoot, cleaning, walking with hounds, cleaning, ballet, recording more cover songs for lolz, cleaning, hung out with Steve, saw Jeannie a couple of times. Then it was the weekend. Skindred on Saturday night were blinding, as always. Incredible band. Their gigs (this was my fourth I think?) are always so hot and sweaty, dirty bass, partyful atmosphere, ragga metal, Welsh accents... just amazing. Support band Karnivool were awesome too, I really must check them out on the NETZ.

RECOMMENDED.

This week? We'll see. Not a good start. Lost another customer this morning, but gained two more. Not enough though. Need ££s! Lots of them, quick! Oooh, I found out that Soulsavers are supporting DM in December, which is awesome news. Our washing machine's all buggered up, not so awesome. I spent the whole day hanging with my bro at his house, waiting for laundry to... launder. I don't have a lot to do this week, really. Take more laundry to more people. Take my own dogs out for a change. Take a bit of time to chill out, and maybe be a bit creative.

Or just be ill, perhaps. *achoo*
gemsybobsy: (devy)
Lately, through listening to so much music, I've realised why I find it so difficult to write it. When I think, when I dream, and when I close my eyes and just imagine an original piece of music, it sounds abstract. It sounds fragmented and epic. It's rock, but it's orchestral, big, brave and pompous. Like (so you can try to imagine): Tool (chuggy riffs with mental time signatures) crossed with Devin Townsend (metal wall of sound), but less... together? It doesn't follow a pattern or a particular beat. It's like the sounds are making a picture, rather than a specific tune/song. The best thing I can use to sum up what I'm getting at when I say 'sounds that make a picture' is Dig Me, by King Crimson. It's a piece that uses guitars and drums to make noises that remind one of the sounds one would hear on some sort of an industrial scrapyard. Machines and mechanics. I don't know really. It's kind of eerie. I imagine a car crusher going about its business in a scrapyard, but it's still in a vaguely tuneful way, with a repeated little 'chorus' throughout. The spoken-word lyrics that describe an old car being left to rot add to the picture of course.

That's nothing like the music in my head, but the stuff I do have in there is awesome. I'd love to get it recorded, but it's obviously going to sound ridiculously pretentious and amateur. I've always stuck to trying to make 3-minute pop songs because that's what people want to hear and it's really what somebody with my limited technical ability 'should' be doing. I have trouble writing them, so that's where I'm going wrong. Dave says he has tons of songs in his mind and he has to write them down and make them happen or he'll explode. It's like a requirement, and he has the ability to grab a bit of paper and scribble ideas down and record them in five minutes and make a hit single out of nowhere. I sort of feel like it's a requirement for me to make music, but have no way of getting it out. I'm rubbish at playing instruments (apart from a bit of self-taught piano). I am certainly no wordsmith. I can't do poetic, I can't do messages, I can't do a catchy verse-bridge-chorus and when I try to it sounds contrived and horrible. I like to sing, and I hate singing other people's lyrics, so I used to write my own for Symbiosis. I did a couple of good lyrics, but I ditched words for oohs and aahs where possible and I'd talk about 'sections' instead of verses and choruses and I'd encourage the production of progressive rock beasts of songs. My songs begin somewhere and end up somewhere else completely. I have five or six songs at the moment but I can't tie things together. I gave up one particularly ambitious one for Body By Design, and even that one (which was written when I wasn't feeling particularly epic or ambitious) Dave had to rein in and make more rounded and catchy. Ugh. I'm an art-rock musician in a pop musician's body.

Golliwogg's Cakewalk by Claude Debussy. Tune. It's so nuts. I've been wanting to know the name of it for flippin' years, and now I know! Who'd have thunk it, Skins giving me a lesson on early 20th century music!
gemsybobsy: (Default)
13th April
I spent £499 on clothes with the money work gave me! I got 18 items – all smart stuff! I also bought some tights and slap as well. I got home after all that and I chatted in this dodgy metal chatroom all night long and a program about camp people was on.

14th April
Today me Steve and Lee went to Lymington and I bought a t-shirt and a little bug which is like clockwork, but when I got home it was broke so I took him back. We just hung out at mine for the rest of the day. Oops, work tomorrow, need to tidy up and stuff.

15th April
NO MORE SMOKING! Yeah right. My chest was really bad all weekend so I vowed never to smoke again - ever! But I smoked 3 today. Oh well. Work was all good as normal. I had to wait till tonight before I got my clothes. Rob from Wessex Industrial brought them round to me, which was nice. I’ve got so much stuff now! Me and Kate and Leepee went to McDonald’s for tea. I had some chicken thing and a McFlurry. Nice one. When I got home I went to Tescos and I bought the American Pie box set and we watched them and my new Friends one. Dave was here.

16th April
Me and Lee went skating round Steve’s and then Steve came round after we went to see Nan for a bit. She was looking through photos so we joined in for a bit. Me and Steve went for a drive and Dave came round later.

17th April
Who cares?

18th April
Wow. We kicked ass. We supported Adria at the Red Lion. I was so nervous I felt sick – It was like I didn’t feel scared but my body did. Horrible. But afterwards I felt fine so it must have been nerves. Somebody said, “your riffs are a bit samey, but the vocalist is amazing!” Why, thank you. ^_^ It’s so nice to get compliments for a change instead of being slagged off all the time. Wicked. Afterwards we watched Adria and then took Anna home with Steve. I was so tired, ‘cause I’d been up since 7am with no breaks. Goddamn. I had to go straight from work to the gig and I was too nervous to eat, so I was starving.

19th April
Tonight was a good laugh. Tamsin, Steve and Dave came round and we went to see the planetary alignment in the forest. The damn thing was hidden by the damn clouds. Sons of bitches. Still, it’s gonna be there for another 4 weeks or so, so we can see it later. I was supposed to babysit for Christine tonight but it was cancelled in the end, so I was hectically ringing everyone to get them to come out! I managed to catch them all anyway. We went to Tescos and got some Maltesers ice-lollies. Yum. So we munched and we all put our names on Friends Reunited. We nattered about school and boring shite like that. Excellent.
gemsybobsy: (Default)
Band went really well, we have a new song which kicks ass! I go on about being “born again” and I’ve called it Respawn. Been playing too much UT, I feel. Summink to do with karma and stuff, I guess. Been learning too much occult stuff, I feel. We now only play that one, Room to Grow, Compulsion, Theory, Sick and Symbiosis. At the mo I am smoking a fag and drinking a trendy FCUK drink (they were on offer at Tescos). Me and Timur went and got some fags and a lollipop for my Dad to say thanks for letting us use his office and work time for our band stuff. Bless. I must remember to phone the job centre ‘cause I wanna know where my frickin’ £66 is.

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June 2016

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