(NOTE: Facebook culture makes it look like I'm less better at writing things and grammar and that. I'm still quite clever though okay? I'm amazed I can still HTML)
"This week is tiles & grouting week at Mutts & Mops! So if you'd like sparkling tiles & bright white grout, tough balls - I can't fit you in"
"lovely day was lovely and productive and apparently I come 'highly recommended' and 'at least 3 or 4 people have said you're the best dog walker round here'"
"Didz is eating his birthday bone. This time last year I was assisting in the birth of the puppies that were the result of his last birthday bone"
"the beard is in my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's a twat though, for four reasons.
1. Schnauzers PACE if they're somewhere new and can't figure out the best place to lie so they can see all the doors (watchdogs, who'd 'ave 'em)
2. THE NOISE, OH THE NOISE. SHUT UP FLOYD. Those beards are too vocal.
3. The water. The drinking, and the beard drippings. Kitchen needs wet floor sign.
4. STUBBORN. 'No I'm not really up for getting in the car, haha, look at you getting pissed off, I'm just gonna stand in the road and dance around, lalala, hahaha up yours everyone, this beard do what he wants.'
"So many muse t-shirts on the tube. Can't stop lolling. WE HAVE ARRIVED AT PANIC STATION! — with Gemsy Davison."
"Well, my new library book appears to be about dogging. I picked it up after a quick glance told me it was set in modern England and it appeared to be a kind of shady, criminal-world kind of story. The tale is set up in the first chapter, with the guy describing his 'alternative lifestyle'... guy is then setting out to meet Gary and Sheena in the 'kennel' with his kit bag full of... "Oh," I think, "I wonder why he needs condoms?" I didn't even notice the fact that the book has a picture of a lady removing her bra as seen through a car window... had only vaguely registered that the book is called 'Isle of Dogs'... Conclusion: I am so very asexual."
"If there's one thing I know how to do well in my life, it's how to live successfully with packs of dogs:
- Always keep something going - music, a fan, the telly... so there's constant sound. If you sit in silence, a single external noise will set one of them off (most likely the SCHNAUZER) and you'll have a barkfest on your hands (hence the constant stream of Bowie videos shared on the pack manager's Facebook profile over the past week);
- When (not if) you find yourself in the midst of a barkfest, stay calm, breathe evenly, say 'thank you dogs, you are all just so fantastic at barking, well done' and usher them all back to where they were lying down. If this fails, shout 'FOR GOD SAKE SHADDUP, NOBODY CARES! and throw plates at them;
- If there's dissension in the ranks about who gets to sit next to you on the sofa, nobody's allowed. Boot them all off and stretch out, yo;
- Don't even bother with showing them attention unless you've got one on his own at a distance from all the others, unless you want more chaos;
- Air freshener."
"Berlin ist geil. — at Alexanderplatz am Fernsehturm, Berlin"
"welp. today was first day back to the day job and i am borked and fed up and waaah and tummy achey because it turns out dreams divide are collectively best powered by berlinese beer and ice cream.
can you believe, right, that the main reason I wanted to go to berlin all my life (well, since i was 16ish and going around wearing long black coats and reading books about "proper" music anyway) was pretty much because
- "i want to go to berlin because iggy pop and david bowie". i have now been to berlin eleventyseven times and still haven't made my rock pilgrimage to Hansa studios and drank from the goblet of rock at 'the hall by the wall'. next time damnit.
other reasons tho:
- "i want to go to berlin because night clubbin, real night clubbin" which i have done plenty of
- "i want to go to berlin because deutsch ist geil" which it is even though i still suck at it. mein Hund ist ein Mittelschnauzer and er hat ein Schnauzer
- "i want to go to berlin because ZOO" which we sort of visited this time but i was sad because no moar Knut
- "i want to go to berlin because everyone everywhere in germany loves depeche mode so no surprise coldplay/sc*uting for g*rls in any public space" which is true
i miss germany"
"A continuation of the weirdness that is my life - customer texts and says there's some chocolate on the table for me. I gets there expecting IDK a bar of dairy milk or something, it's a huge box of posh gourmet chocolates all done up in posh wrapping paper and a gigantic bow. Next to them a note saying, 'Wondered if you'd get any use out of these hair straighteners? If not pass them on to a friend!' They're fackin' GHDs, yo."
"Housesitting always remind me of so many things I'd forgotten existed. Dishwashers! Sky TV! Branston pickle with cold chicken! Dairylea triangles! Pringles! Nice fancy yoghurts! This time is awesome 'cause it's Mum's house so I can eat it all."
"oops Dreams Divide broke da amp at the The Winchester Gate"