Grrr.

Feb. 3rd, 2016 06:26 pm
gemsybobsy: (floyd)
I keep yelling about this stuff in snippets on Facebook but it feels pointless. It doesn't get me anywhere. But nothing's getting me anywhere anyway, I'm really just existing at the moment. I'm not living. I'm just working and stressing. For nothing. I spent the whole of January with butterflies in my stomach, and feel on the brink of tears AT ALL TIMES. I thought maybe typing it all out properly would sort it out in my head/get it all out...

I'm so sick of working as hard as I do and getting nowhere. No savings, not enough holiday, no sick pay... the only blip of calm I feel is when the rent has gone out of my account after two weeks of begging people to put the money in there, but then of course, hey, the account's back to £0, and next week the tax will go out, and so begins another month of scraping enough £s in just to make it through each direct debit in turn.

I'm angry that I have to pay out so many living expenses to live alone, yet wouldn't save any money even if I moved into a shared house. If I got a 'proper job' I'd have to get a degree first otherwise I can't afford to keep living alone. And I don't get any help from the government at all, not even tax credits are available to me anymore because I earn 'too much'. I'm constantly struggling and can't commit to anything - gigs are rare unless I'm playing them, holidays cause me real fear, I couldn't even buy myself anything with my Christmas money, just in case, and now that's been swallowed up.

I'm sick of seeing other dog walkers/petsitting people doing so much better than me when I was the first and nobody wanted to know back then. I see these new businesses popping up, shiny vans, loads of dogs, all accredited trainers, have a team of walkers, have paddocks and premises. When I told people in 2006 what I was offering I was repeatedly laughed at. 'Why would I get a dog and pay someone else to walk it?!' And I know I'm not entitled to success on a plate, but I never sat around and expected it to happen for me. I started this working my arse off for people who promised they'd pay for me to do training courses and who didn't do that, and they still took half my money, so I had to start doing the cleaning to make ends meet, and ten years later - the ends still don't fucking meet.

The stress makes me overeat, which makes me gain weight, and I get acid reflux/silent reflux (DIAGNOSED BY A CONSULTANT with a laryngoscope, TWICE, in 2008 and again in 2013) as a result. This is affecting my voice when speaking, and more annoyingly - seeing as I am that bird off of that synthpop band - when singing. I KNOW IT'S AS A RESULT OF WEIGHT GAIN, because in 2008 and in 2013, when a camera went down my effing nose and looked at my vocal folds and saw irritation from acid, I was the size I am now. When I was 30lbs lighter than this, when we started the band and recorded our first album, I didn't have the voice problem. My voice feels tight, tense, it's easily fatigued and I have to really work to control my pitching and avoid squeaking, and I can barely make it through a gig without it almost giving up completely and aching, hurting and feeling sore as hell. I find it really hard to even talk every single day. I'll be having a conversation and my voice will just go. I'll have to clear my throat to get a sound out. And 'ahemming' all the time makes it WORSE. I can never be arsed to explain all this so I just say, 'My voice still sucks because of the reflux.' Then everyone goes, 'But your voice is really good.' That's not what I meeean. I explain. They say, 'You're not fat though.' ARGH I know I might look okay or whatever but that's not the point. My extra weight makes my reflux worse, simple fact. They give me that look as if I'm talking bollocks. So I get wound up with that as well. I'M NOT THICK. I am talking complete sense. I didn't get this from Dr Google. So I feel the pressure to lose the weight, to prove it. So I feel stressed. So I overeat. And then I stress because I'm still not losing the weight. So I overeat. I'M SO SICK OF MYSELF.

And on top of all of that, all music now stresses me out. I can never get computers/recording equipment to work. EVER. I have written two songs, EVER. Neither of them are even half-finished. The very idea of sitting down and creating anything fills me with actual dread. So I don't bother. Might as well sell it all. And then spend the proceeds on sodding gas and electric. Every evening and weekend flies past in a blur of eating, refreshing Facebook, feeling like I'm missing out of everything cool that ever happens, and crying.

And then there's the fact that my dog won't hang out with me at home anymore, because the fridge, which is now unplugged, made a stupid cracking noise occasionally, and because he can only hear it when it's quiet, he thinks the noise happens BECAUSE I sit on the sofa or lie in bed. So he skulks downstairs unless I make him stay in here. And if I do he stares anxiously at me until I get annoyed and tell him to bugger off. And then I cry because I MISS MY CUDDLY DOODLE DOG. :'(

I know last time I felt this messed up, I changed my life and it was scary and awesome. But this time I have no idea what I want. I just feel trapped in this bumbling existence. Bit of money comes in, instantly gone. Cupboard full of groceries, instantly binged on. Bit of energy, instantly gone. I feel a tiny bit of positivity and it's instantly covered in a ton of negativity.

We're going on tour in a couple of weeks. WITH FADERHEAD. Like, it's a dream to be asked to do something like that. But all I can focus on is how exhausted I feel, how broke I am, how out of shape I am going to look on stage, and how my voice is NOT going to cope. I was supposed to be on top form for this. FFS. I feel so angry at myself. I can't look forward to anything, I feel like I can't go out and socialise because I always feel anxious or miserable. When I do see people I feel like I can't talk about any of this anymore because I feel like they're sick of hearing about it, nobody can suggest anything to me, and I want to keep this image that I'm in control, I got my life sorted, etc, etc... I think that's why I turn to food so often; it's something that gives me a little bit of luxury and relaxation in a world of stress, and it's letting that craving take control of me, instead of me having to control ALL THE THINGS all the time. Argh.

I spent the whole of the last decade sorting out my life, getting it how I wanted it. But it's not good enough. Spent the whole of last year sorting out my brain, and getting over depression and stress, but it's all right outside the door and I'm back wading through it, with concrete boots, just not wanting to get up and even bother.

I think this is why I don't write journal entries anymore. I'll just be saying the same stuff again and again.
gemsybobsy: (space)
Suddenly very cold; gas fire keeps going out so I've got the electric one on the go. Thanks to the energy meter in front of me I can see the bill going up.

I have had an incredible weekend (two fantastic gigs), but I feel so flat, and I felt flat the whole time. I hope it didn't come across on stage. I'm so frustrated with myself; I thought I was finally over this. I know I'm introverted and I need breaks from being sociable. But I know things are bad when it gets to feeling like that all the time. I think that at heart I'm a social animal who doesn't often want to be sociable, so I'm miserable because I'm not sociable. It's like I'm pissed off at myself because I'm not who I should be, but because I am what I am, which is not good enough. It's pure apathy; I want to make something of myself, be creative, but I don't have the energy or motivation, frustrated but wallowing in it and feeling sorry for myself and just can't get over it, bored but won't do anything, lonely but don't want company. I had a dream I was pulling a car up a steep cliff face and couldn't get over the top. I'm not normally one for dream analysis...

I get angry at people but I can never say so because I would upset everyone. I get snarky when people find joy in things I don't know about (yeah whatever, shut up), or vent frustrations at things I might think they should be grateful for... And I know that it's me that's the problem, not them, and by directing my anger and frustration at everybody else, I'm actually making it all about me... Because, damnit, it's never all about me, and sometimes it bloody should be, I'm only visible if I kick off or if I haven't removed your lime-scale, but I'm not the one that's the issue, everyone else is at fault and they should all recognise that they all suck and I'm angry and envious that none of them has my stupid, ridiculous, self-centred, angry angry angry mind.

Despair, despair.

I want to eat an awful lot of crisps right now.
gemsybobsy: (Default)
...if I'm doing the right thing. I went drinking on Friday at my local-pub-to-be, all unexpectedly like, and had a great time. I went to Fallout last night and sat on the sofa in the front bar for most of the night, panicking about money, and I'm sitting here now panicking about money... which is silly, because I'm well on my way to scoring a few more customers in the area and I've been offered bar work, and there is some interest from another cleaning company who want a part-time housekeeper, dear, and...

I don't know. I'm wondering if running away from Southampton is really the best thing to be doing considering I've only just managed to get my life and brain on the happy train. After so many years of struggling with the devil's own depression, anxiety, social problems and the lowest of low self-esteem, I've managed to strip all of that away and uncover my true self; I'm confident, strong, and happy to be myself wherever I go. So should I risk that by changing everything again? Why do I always get bored when things are going along nicely, and want to stir things up? And why move towns, when new people are all terrifying and/or a potential bell end? I'm confident now, but I'm still wary of people. 'Bring it on! Give those fuckers a (metaphorical) taste of Teh Gemseh,' says my confidence. My shy, self-deprecating side, on the other hand - which still occasionally lurks beneath the confidence - is going, 'Oh but everyone will think you're weeeird, you won't be accepted, you can't just expect to make more friends by moving to another town, you won't like it, you're going to have to put yourself out there to have a good time and you're too lame...'

Doubting doubts, plz to be off. I love my new house. I still can't bring myself to tell you guys about it though, or show anyone the pictures of it. But I will! My application's at the referencing stage, and should find out this week if it's successful. I was told that it should all be fine, and the estate agent asked me if I wanted to meet the landlady on Wednesday, which is awesome. So they obviously don't foresee a problem. Still pooing bricks though.

Ohhh.

Aug. 31st, 2011 10:40 pm
gemsybobsy: (amy)
During the 5–8-day period when sertraline was temporarily replaced by placebo, the most frequent symptoms (reported by more than a quarter of patients) were irritability, agitation, dizziness, headache, nervousness, crying, emotional lability, bad dreams and anger

or all of the above?



I can hear my eyes moving. :/

Grrr.

Aug. 29th, 2011 12:38 pm
gemsybobsy: (choccy)
Aaand I had a massive cryingfest over the stupid internet, and decided to take a break from the board. I came back over here to check my friends page... only to find another person has removed from their friends list. Brilliant. My poor ego. Trying not to take it personally. I'm going to read some stories. Yay, escapism.
gemsybobsy: (amy)
I am... a bit... fine, actually. Too fine. So much awfulness in my family, and everybody (especially my nan) is so upset about everything. But I don't care. Emotionally. I genuinely can't bring myself to give a rat's ass. Which I know is awful, but I don't feel awful about it either. I guess that's what a high daily dose of SSRI is for. I've never been on pills for this long before, and I always had this worry about losing my ability to feel, but... it's good. It's just taken the painful, negative feelings away. It never crossed my mind that this could be a good thing, and that if I didn't have any negative feelings anyway I wouldn't care. Haha.

Seriously though - I like this. I actually have no feelings apart from boredom and pleasure. Which is amazing. I can sympathise and empathise as normal, but it's all just from my head and what I've learned about life, and not from my heart/soul/entire being. And now I'm thinking, oh man - I've always been like that really. Like, have I always just got sad for myself? I've always been really, really self-centred. I know I've been sad for others in the past, but I got over it. I can't remember it. It's just for just a little while, then I shut the door. If that makes sense. I used to think people did that to me and it made me depressed and not willing to make friends with anybody because hey what's the point if they don't really feel for me... but really it was me doing that to everybody else. Me, me, me. If someone's upset, I'll get the wave of feeling that says, 'If that was me, how would I feel?' And the cheeky voice in my head goes, 'Pretty shit, but look the sun's out, you're fabulous, there's money in your wallet and it's not you, so go and be awesome somewhere.'

What a bitch.

I've only ever pleased myself, and I swan about living my own life in my own world every single day. I told my dad that people think I'm really kind and there for everyone and what-have-you but I'm actually a really selfish person. My nan always asks me if I get lonely spending so much time on my own but I really don't, I have Me and that's good enough. I have great friends all of whom I try to see once a week at the least, and that's also good enough. I don't do intimacy, I don't do problems, I don't want to deal with any of the harsh bollocks life throws at humans, I just want to be frivolous and shallow so fuck off with all your emo. I'll play along with being social and polite and considerate. I don't pretend exactly, I just go through the motions and behave like I should. What's expected of me. If I could behave exactly as I wanted right now, I would probably go about singing and dancing all the time, drawing attention to myself and have everybody only talk about me. The only thing stopping me from doing it is a little bit of cerebral concern for other people and their feelings. Its all hilariousness, because Dr G did tell me that pills won't make me jump out of bed in the morning singing 'the hills are alive with the sound of music'. (Mind you I often did that in my lowest moods anyway.) I'm naturally quite narcissistic; I get bored when people are around me and I'm not the topic of conversation. It's so childish. Maybe it's because I'm an eldest child! I think of stories that have happened to me so that I can entertain people by talking about myself. I've always been like that, but now... even more so. Lol.

I still talk to other people about themselves, even strangers - I go about and chat to people randomly in shops, ask them how they are and pay little attention to the reply because they inevitably say, 'Fine thanks!' and that's it... I know that's normal, I'm sure most people generally swan about and do what they want to do and don't spare another thought for small talk. I guess that's why small talk is small talk! Maybe it was just me that was wrong before - I used to emote and worry and obsess about everything, to the point of depression. Maybe it's good to have the ability to close the door on other people's feelings.

Now, depression - diligaf? Which is fantastic. But when a friend or someone close needs consoling I'm useless. I do the *hugs* and the xxx and that, and while I know in my brain that I DO CARE about those guys, and would probably fall apart if they weren't in my life (again, that's a selfish point of view right there, oh god this is lame I should stfu and stop analysing myself)... I can't actually feel anything. I know I probably shouldn't be so blasé about saying that pubicly because I probably won't have any friends left soon. But I don't know. I know I care about them. I know the feelings are still inside me somewhere. If something really bad has happened to someone, I'll be like, 'Oh shit, that sucks,' feel sad for about a second and then block it out and find something fun to do. I know I should feel guilty about that, but I just don't. When I think about what it feels like to be able to feel, I just think of misery. All I can feel now is boredom or HAPPYHAPPYJOYJOY. Is it really happiness, or did I just emote too much before? Is this how people feel all the time and is this just plain sailing, as it were? Who even knows. I ain't even bovvered. I'm stuck in the doldrums but it's party city and the weather's lovely, thank you very much. My brain tells me I should apologise for that but if I did there'd be no sentiment behind it.

Argh.

Feb. 6th, 2011 01:18 pm
gemsybobsy: (amy)
Yeah last night got a bit stupid. I cried and did stupid things. Stupid. Maybe skipping pills and then getting drunk is not a good idea.

I need to go out and speak to some humans, I think.

Snippets.

Feb. 5th, 2011 03:16 am
gemsybobsy: (amy)
Re: Things looking up.



Went to the doc's again today, had US scan of biliary tree two weeks ago and was all clear. Pain's been fine since then. Joked about how it must've all been in my head. Doc told me off. Got me thinking about my mentals, and how I really should work on sorting this out. Realised how frankly I was talking about my headbeef in conversation elsewhere and not in my own diary, what is with that? So I dun copypasta. It is... ridiculous. It's stream-of-consciousness-ish, this is a couple of months' worth of posts but I just put them altogetherwhateverforever. Sorry. If you'd rather I put this crap under a filter in future, please speak up, dear flist. <3

Under a cut, 'cause it is very long, and may be a bit much for a weekend. )
__________________

TL;DR:

gemsybobsy: (ana)
I lost one. It broke way too much and it had to go. Looking back through my 'teeth' tag, I reckon I've spent over £500 trying to save that bleedin' thing, over the last 3 years. I don't understand why they're all rotting so much! Cry. It didn't want to come out, and it hurt so, so much. So yeah, no more sugar, no more fizzy pop, no more... anything but celery and water, really. Brushing three times a day isn't enough it seems. Dentist was all, 'Don't eat little and often.' I don't. He was all, 'Just 4-5 times a day is enough.' I was like, 'Well, yeah?' I only eat like, twice a day. Sometimes once. I love my sugar but I keep things clean in there. So what is it? Inhalers maybe? I think it's just genetic. But I know I never want to go through this ever again, so I'm going to do my best to avoid all sugar. The socket tastes vile.

This January really has sucked the big one. Lolz. Oh, and I see a couple of people have defriended me, haha. I don't blame you. I haven't exactly been entertaining lately.

*skulks off*
*turns back*

Oh btw, Dreams Divide gig, Talking Heads Southampton, 5th March.

*skulks off moar*
gemsybobsy: (docbellz)
So much love. I am crying real loltears. Thank god for the internet, really. Hi LiveJournal. I cba still. Life's a bit awful.
gemsybobsy: (amy)
TMI )

ANYWAY.

A great Christmas was had by all of us! Busy, relaxing, tiring, no drama, no illness (apart from Nan's pleurisy, but she's alright now). Very happy. Lots of quality time with my growing family. Lots of bonding with my nieces - I kissed Stevie's soft, smiley little cheeks all weekend. I talked and talked with Dhana while she watched in awe as Chinese lanterns went 'up and up and up into the night-time' and got 'OH NO! STUCK IN THE TREES!' I love those little girls so much I am actually welling up, thinking about their faces. Also - Rattler cider? Recommended. :)
gemsybobsy: (travel)
It's like I have worked hard to change my life from a hectic dual carriageway, rush, rush, zoom, into a bendy New Forest road with a 40mph speed limit, on which one has plenty of time to slow down for ponies, to get out and go for a walk, or to stop occasionally just to admire the scenery. It is the best kind of road. But it feels like my mind is going along this road at dual carriageway speed, in second gear.

Bah.

Dec. 6th, 2010 09:47 pm
gemsybobsy: (devy)
Ugh, so much for keeping it away from IRL people. Accidentally told my nan everything on the phone, so now she's going to phone Mum and so now I'm waiting for the awkward 'what's all this about?' phone-call. Possible bipolaroid-ness (lol) aside, I'm mostly just upset that I'm back on sodding sertraline after two and a bit years of not having to take anything. Ugh. I want to PUNCH MY BRAIN IN THE NECK. AND I WILL.

Who's coming to my 30th birthday party? I want to swan about with my friends under a marquee in a beautiful grassy park or garden; I want to drink afternoon tea poured from dainty teapots, quaff fizzy pink wine, and nibble fairy cakes and cucumber fucking sandwiches to the sound of a string quartet. And then I want to throw on some heavy fucking metal and party till dawn.
gemsybobsy: (space)
I really didn't see this one coming. I have been saying for months now that even though I'm busy all the time I never feel like I've done anything worthwhile and that I'm always thinking too much and can't ... well, it's all here: there was the eels up inside me, thoughts aplenty but nothing useful, and this...

So this morning I went to see Dr G because the last lot of IBS tablets hadn't done a thing and I still have this damned feeling of 'fullness' in my right hypochondrium (for which I am going for an ultrasound, how exciting!) He asked me about my mood (he thinks my hypochondrium problem is hypochondria), and I explained the latest... dark-ass thoughts, not being able to shut my branes up, how I never feel like I can do enough and can't concentrate on one thing at once... I just thought it was anxiety. Dr G asked me, 'Do you feel like you could be Einstein if you could turn off the noise in your brain?' I said, 'Ha! Maybe not Einstein, I'm not down with da science and da logic. But I feel like I've got all these ideas and abilities inside me that I can't get out and put to any use.'

He said it sounds a bit like hypomania. I mean, I didn't even consider it, not for one tiny second. I've read about bipolar disorder of course, but I don't think that's me. I thought hypomania was meant to be like, productive? Like, getting loads of work and errands done (which I am, I guess?) Or just... I dunno, more physical; things like having excess energy and not being able to sit still and going jogging at 3am (I guess I do often dance at 3am...) I dunno. Preconceptions, I guess; everyone's different and there are levels? He asked me about my sleeping patterns, and made a tutting noise that told me that they don't sound normal or healthy at all. I thought that was just the way I am? Apparently it's not normal, either, to be at the computer having conversations in twelvety different windows while reading a book and listening to a song and watching the TV on all at the same time. Lol. When Multi-Tasking Becomes Mania...

We then talked about my general outlook and lifstyle and I think we determined that I had a full, enjoyable, busy life and that my circumstances were not the issue. Which makes me feel really bad because it's the old feeling of, 'I have nothing to complain about so why...' It's aaall in my head. Of course he then had to bring up the one thing that is (supposedly) missing from my life - and tried, once again, to persuade me go go on dates with 'nice lads'. He told me to have hope and said, 'I know, I know,' when I gave him my usual cynical reply.

Anyway, I feel awful. A little bit stunned. And a bit sick 'cause I just ate a fucktonne of Pringles. I just had to get some sense out of this so sorry if it's written all shitly. Argh I really don't want IRL people to know about this... for some reason. I dunno what to do.
gemsybobsy: (amy)
It's a bit of bitter jealousy on my part as well, I don't have any problem admitting that. It's clear that there is great importance placed on finding a partner. It's hard knowing I'm never going to have somebody who cares about me that much. When I loved somebody enough to compromise... I tried to change myself and my orientation for them, which was a mistake, but I'm still bitter that it wasn't enough. And it's rubbed in my face every day, zillions of times, that I failed at showing my love for that person. I KNOW people don't list relationships in order of value, but it certainly bloody feels like that when you can't give people what they need, so they choose someone else. If you COULD place a trillion quid price tag on a friendship, I would place one of all of mine. But when they opt to spend time in a relationship they obviously would place a higher price tag on... well, ouch, tbh.

I tried to explain this to my mum who, when I told her I wanted to move back over to her side of the Water because I got lonely, she said that, 'You think we're all over here getting together without you every night, and we're not. I never see your brother either and he's only up the road.' I tried to tell her that that isn't my point, I don't just feel left out of extended-family stuff... I feel left out of household stuff... my point is that they all HAVE somebody, someone to come home to, eat with; just to be with all the time. While I know that being in such close proximity to somebody all the time would drive me bonkers, sometimes I can't help that loneliness. Nothing can fill the void, because by the time I'm already down about it, I'm already bitter at everybody and don't want to see them. I feel like it's always up to me to go to them when I'm down, and, irrationally and selfishly, I kind of want somebody to care enough to come to me first and catch me before I get down about it. I get upset, I tell Facebook I'm fed up, people offer me tea and cake and cuddles. Then they forget about me again, because their own lives take over, of course, which is fine, really. I'm not saying I want to be centre of everyone's attention... but I kind of am saying that I want to be the centre of somebody's? But only sometimes? That's what romantic relationships are all about, right, sharing your whole world with somebody and making them the centre of yours? See what I'm saying? Of course people crave that. Of course I'm going to, sometimes.

I love my own company, and have always wanted to live on my own, and being around too many people does my head in. But sometimes it's bloody hard being alone. Especially this time of year. If I'm even slightly missing human company, I never feel like I can talk about it with anyone, because every time I bring this up someone'll say, 'You'll find somebody', or they'll tell me I am 'so important' to them, they love me, etc... then in the same breath they'll say, 'You''ll find somebody of your own some day'... as if that's any comfort whatsoever... It sounds bitter, but they might as well say, 'You're great and all, but I have this other relationship, and that's better. You'll have to get one of these too.' It's all just so... harsh. And there's nothing I can do about it except a) stay busy, gratefully accept the attention I do get from the people I love, and confidently go about being cheerful, doing what I feel like doing and pleasing myself, or b) be bitter that they don't think about me enough, hide from everybody in my room and be angry at them all and rant about them on the internet.

Sometimes it just has to be b).
gemsybobsy: (ballet2)
Job:
I hate cleaning. I don't want to do it. I love doggies. I want to be Mutts and Mutts!

Hobby 1:
Dancing is awesome. We're doing a Christmas show; it's all so cute. Took all the classes by myself on Tuesday. I seem to get on with kids even though they terrify me. They like me 'cause I'm daft. Being slowly convinced that I should do my exams and be a teacher.

Hobby 2:
I just really want to be IN MY BAND, ON A STAGE, PLAYING GIGS IN BERLIN AND THINGS, BUT EVERYONE'S BEING TOO SLOW ABOUT IT. It's been two years in progress now, and I'm getting so impatient! Live mixes, now? WE HAVE TO HAVE SO MANY MIXES. I just want to GET ON THE DAMN STAAAGE.

Obligatory moans:
My mind is being all noisy and I'm not getting much sleep. I look disgusting. On Tuesday my nan said, "You look knackered, girl." Awesome. I feel it, tbh. And ill, again. I have felt sick for a whole week. I haven't [TMI]been to the loo[/TMI] since Monday night before I got on the scaryplane. IBS/anxiety/depression/etc is balls, I tell you. And I have this lumpy feeling under my right rib cage; it feels like there's something in there, and nobody will believe me. 'It's just cartilage.' 'It's just glands.' 'It's just your soft ribs.' It's not supposed to feel like that! It gets all tender and owies, and it feels like it pops when I cough and when I bend over quickly, or do anything, in fact. Doing my swede in. And my toof is broken AGAIN. That'll be another £200. I need a new body, plz.

Summary:
BOO YAY WHINGE DESPAIR THE END.
gemsybobsy: (devy)
I woke up (too late) to find the spots on my cheek had 'filled up' again. The tummy ache I've had for 3 days was still nagging away. Didz had pooed in the lounge again. Someone in a Micra bumped me at the roundabout. I got stuck in traffic everywhere and was late for everything. The car reeks of petrol and needs to go to car hospital again. I need a new one but the money I had saved all went on car insurance and our silly pop music. I managed to cover the spots and to arrange my stupid mop of hair into something that resembles the hairstyle of a human, but then I looked up in the mirror and caught my reflection with herp-derp eyes looking in different directions, and I just started sobbing. I'm ugly, nearly thirty and I have no money; my stuff is all breaking, I've filled my life up with all sorts of meaningless stuff but I'm still just so BORED of EVERYTHING... I don't do anything worthwhile with my life/ability/creativity, I just bumble around being a cleaner and then I come home and eat, and I'll probably no friends left soon either because I've just publicly spat the dummy over the fact that I've just come home and looked at Facebook to find that my friend has royally stepped on my toes by announcing a party on the day she knew I wanted to get everyone together for a meal... and the banana and yoghurt loaf I'm baking won't cook in the sodding middle.

Not impressed. It's all hormonal of course; I do wish my body would stop being all female about the place.

Still, today when I was in the park with Max and Holly and Lucy, I noticed that the autumn leaves are really pretty. Then Jeremy Vine had a feature about them. A lady e-mailed to say that she was walking in the park and the colours made her cry, which made me cry, because things like that make me cry too. I often feel like I don't love or care about anything, but then I cry over the colour of leaves. What.

Yay, trees. )


Oh, and I'm doing NaNoWriMo. I think. I've always wanted to. I'll probably give up by tomorrow. Oh, and my friend and I just worked things out by text. Oh, and



the loaf came out alright in the end. That bit sliced off there? See it? Just there, steaming away? IN MY BELLY. :D
gemsybobsy: (barrowmaaan)
-
My mind feels like a, I dunno... a giant orgy of jellied eels. Yup. I haven't stopped DOING THINGS throughout this whole month but my brain is still nagging me to do mooooar. Well, the eels are. They're all nagging me to do different things and my brain's just all *queue page of

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!*

I dunno. Life is all crazy and things are happening but I just feel like I'm not doing enough creatively or whatever, if that makes sense. No attention span. I'm also rather mood-swingy. I was all pro-active and upbeat and enthusiastic and GO TEAM MUTTS AND MOPS! this morning, and now I'm... not.

+
I saw the Trocks yesterday! Love love love love LOVE.



I was with my ballet ladies. We laughed so much, and we hovered outside the stage door afterwards to ask nosy questions about pointe shoes. We then wandered along the Strand and back across the South Bank, enjoyed some delicious cheesy tortelloni, then took the longest train home. I think I'm going to do my intermediate ballet exam. Hahaha. I just want to be able to fouetté like those wonderful Trocks. Amazing!
gemsybobsy: (torchwood)
I visited Dr Gallagher again today. He nagged me about 'having it off' with 'a nice lad' again. Dr G quote of the day: 'It's inevitable that young lads will want to get their end away at some point.' Indeed. Everyone else has orgasms, I has trifluoperazine and an appointment for a chest x-ray. Shrug.

I watched United 93 tonight, and every time I think about it I cry. No other words, really.

FUN MEME! I'm just going to finish it tonight because I'm dead sick of it now. My favourite place is Moo Moo (it really is nothing to do with the band) and something that I miss? Ianto Fucking Jones. Some aspirations - writing, make goffband work and bring in monehs so I don't have to scrub as many gaffs, buy camper van or rent flat by myself, whatever, I just really want to buy some kitchen utensils. Another moment... um. Bringing Floyd home for the first time, starting my business. I got a puppy, an awesome new van and a new business in one week. This was four years ago next week. That time has gone terrifyingly quickly. I remember taking Floyd everywhere, sitting on the sofa stamping leaflets, driving around advertising and visiting vets and just enjoying not being in the office any more... it was blissful. Until the money woes and panic kicked in.

moar meame lawl )

Branefale.

Sep. 8th, 2010 06:11 pm
gemsybobsy: (ballet)
When I was 14, if you'd have asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I'd have probably said something like, 'Something I can just get on with and forget about when I'm at home and doing more fun things.' That is, if you had managed to get me to think about my life beyond that day, and past getting out of school and getting involved in a book, album or an episode of The X Files. Which would have been clever of you. And so it goes, that after years of hard work and dragging myself through shite (to be frank), I am finally there. I'm living my dream life. I have ADVENTURES. WITH DOGS. I pootle around the streets and potter around people's houses and my brain gets to do its daydreamy, thinky thing with nobody interfering or demanding anything of me. I (finally) earn good money doing all this pootling and pottering, and I can live very comfortably, fridgehouse issues aside. I have so much free time and can have more whenever I like; I can ask people if they'd mind swapping days because I want to swan off into London or nip to Germany. I can fit in lots of ballet. I'll be able to fit in gigs when we has them. The uni course is challenging me just enough. I'm the right amount of busy; not bored, not stressed. Perfect life. I am happy.

So why doesn't my brain realise I'm happy?

My favourite birthday was probably my 18th (awesome party) and something I regret... Hmmm. Two things: All those years spent trying to be something I'm not, and leaving Live8 before Pink Floyd. Palm, face, have you met?

moar meame lawl )

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gemsybobsy

June 2016

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