Grrr.

Feb. 3rd, 2016 06:26 pm
gemsybobsy: (floyd)
[personal profile] gemsybobsy
I keep yelling about this stuff in snippets on Facebook but it feels pointless. It doesn't get me anywhere. But nothing's getting me anywhere anyway, I'm really just existing at the moment. I'm not living. I'm just working and stressing. For nothing. I spent the whole of January with butterflies in my stomach, and feel on the brink of tears AT ALL TIMES. I thought maybe typing it all out properly would sort it out in my head/get it all out...

I'm so sick of working as hard as I do and getting nowhere. No savings, not enough holiday, no sick pay... the only blip of calm I feel is when the rent has gone out of my account after two weeks of begging people to put the money in there, but then of course, hey, the account's back to £0, and next week the tax will go out, and so begins another month of scraping enough £s in just to make it through each direct debit in turn.

I'm angry that I have to pay out so many living expenses to live alone, yet wouldn't save any money even if I moved into a shared house. If I got a 'proper job' I'd have to get a degree first otherwise I can't afford to keep living alone. And I don't get any help from the government at all, not even tax credits are available to me anymore because I earn 'too much'. I'm constantly struggling and can't commit to anything - gigs are rare unless I'm playing them, holidays cause me real fear, I couldn't even buy myself anything with my Christmas money, just in case, and now that's been swallowed up.

I'm sick of seeing other dog walkers/petsitting people doing so much better than me when I was the first and nobody wanted to know back then. I see these new businesses popping up, shiny vans, loads of dogs, all accredited trainers, have a team of walkers, have paddocks and premises. When I told people in 2006 what I was offering I was repeatedly laughed at. 'Why would I get a dog and pay someone else to walk it?!' And I know I'm not entitled to success on a plate, but I never sat around and expected it to happen for me. I started this working my arse off for people who promised they'd pay for me to do training courses and who didn't do that, and they still took half my money, so I had to start doing the cleaning to make ends meet, and ten years later - the ends still don't fucking meet.

The stress makes me overeat, which makes me gain weight, and I get acid reflux/silent reflux (DIAGNOSED BY A CONSULTANT with a laryngoscope, TWICE, in 2008 and again in 2013) as a result. This is affecting my voice when speaking, and more annoyingly - seeing as I am that bird off of that synthpop band - when singing. I KNOW IT'S AS A RESULT OF WEIGHT GAIN, because in 2008 and in 2013, when a camera went down my effing nose and looked at my vocal folds and saw irritation from acid, I was the size I am now. When I was 30lbs lighter than this, when we started the band and recorded our first album, I didn't have the voice problem. My voice feels tight, tense, it's easily fatigued and I have to really work to control my pitching and avoid squeaking, and I can barely make it through a gig without it almost giving up completely and aching, hurting and feeling sore as hell. I find it really hard to even talk every single day. I'll be having a conversation and my voice will just go. I'll have to clear my throat to get a sound out. And 'ahemming' all the time makes it WORSE. I can never be arsed to explain all this so I just say, 'My voice still sucks because of the reflux.' Then everyone goes, 'But your voice is really good.' That's not what I meeean. I explain. They say, 'You're not fat though.' ARGH I know I might look okay or whatever but that's not the point. My extra weight makes my reflux worse, simple fact. They give me that look as if I'm talking bollocks. So I get wound up with that as well. I'M NOT THICK. I am talking complete sense. I didn't get this from Dr Google. So I feel the pressure to lose the weight, to prove it. So I feel stressed. So I overeat. And then I stress because I'm still not losing the weight. So I overeat. I'M SO SICK OF MYSELF.

And on top of all of that, all music now stresses me out. I can never get computers/recording equipment to work. EVER. I have written two songs, EVER. Neither of them are even half-finished. The very idea of sitting down and creating anything fills me with actual dread. So I don't bother. Might as well sell it all. And then spend the proceeds on sodding gas and electric. Every evening and weekend flies past in a blur of eating, refreshing Facebook, feeling like I'm missing out of everything cool that ever happens, and crying.

And then there's the fact that my dog won't hang out with me at home anymore, because the fridge, which is now unplugged, made a stupid cracking noise occasionally, and because he can only hear it when it's quiet, he thinks the noise happens BECAUSE I sit on the sofa or lie in bed. So he skulks downstairs unless I make him stay in here. And if I do he stares anxiously at me until I get annoyed and tell him to bugger off. And then I cry because I MISS MY CUDDLY DOODLE DOG. :'(

I know last time I felt this messed up, I changed my life and it was scary and awesome. But this time I have no idea what I want. I just feel trapped in this bumbling existence. Bit of money comes in, instantly gone. Cupboard full of groceries, instantly binged on. Bit of energy, instantly gone. I feel a tiny bit of positivity and it's instantly covered in a ton of negativity.

We're going on tour in a couple of weeks. WITH FADERHEAD. Like, it's a dream to be asked to do something like that. But all I can focus on is how exhausted I feel, how broke I am, how out of shape I am going to look on stage, and how my voice is NOT going to cope. I was supposed to be on top form for this. FFS. I feel so angry at myself. I can't look forward to anything, I feel like I can't go out and socialise because I always feel anxious or miserable. When I do see people I feel like I can't talk about any of this anymore because I feel like they're sick of hearing about it, nobody can suggest anything to me, and I want to keep this image that I'm in control, I got my life sorted, etc, etc... I think that's why I turn to food so often; it's something that gives me a little bit of luxury and relaxation in a world of stress, and it's letting that craving take control of me, instead of me having to control ALL THE THINGS all the time. Argh.

I spent the whole of the last decade sorting out my life, getting it how I wanted it. But it's not good enough. Spent the whole of last year sorting out my brain, and getting over depression and stress, but it's all right outside the door and I'm back wading through it, with concrete boots, just not wanting to get up and even bother.

I think this is why I don't write journal entries anymore. I'll just be saying the same stuff again and again.

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